Why do people suffer more the more they want to be understood?

For a long time,
I felt a little envious when I saw people who were "understood."

At school.
In society.

"That person is understood."

There were people I felt that way about.

They are good at studying.
They are good at sports.
They are cheerful.
They are interesting.
They can read the room.

Those kinds of people
tend to mesh well with the atmosphere around them.

They are easily understood.

They are also easily supported.

That understanding
becomes, in a way, a "force to move forward."

In terms of sensation,
it is close to a car's accelerator.

By being understood by those around you,
your actions and existence are affirmed.

Then,
it becomes easier to move.

It becomes easier to take on challenges.

It also becomes easier to breathe.

That is perhaps why people
seek understanding.

Because when you are understood,
you can feel at ease.

Because you become less likely to feel lonely.

Because you feel like it is okay for you to be in this world.

But recently,
there is one thing I find strange.

The more a person has a strong desire to be "understood,"
the more they can end up suffering.

This was
a rather quiet contradiction.

I think my past self
also wanted to be understood somewhere deep down.

But,
the parts I really wanted people to understand
never came across quite right.

In fact,
the more I tried to explain, the more I felt like I was drifting away from the truth.

"That's not really what I meant."

It's that kind of feeling.

For example,
even though I really want to move more freely,

I am understood as
a "capable person."

In reality,
even though I am still in the middle of being lost,

I am treated as
a "reliable person."

Then,
I start to conform to that understanding.

The self that others see.
The self that is expected.
The self that is easy to understand.

I start to adapt to that.

This
is also a form of comfort.

But at the same time,
it gradually becomes painful.

Because,
you end up having to maintain that "understood role."

For example,

a kind person.
A calm person.
A funny person.
A thoughtful person.
A reliable person.

Once a person is understood that way,
they start trying not to break those expectations.

Then,
little by little,

more than "how I actually feel,"
it becomes about...

The question of "how am I being perceived"
starts to come first.

I feel that this point
is quite significant.

Originally, understanding
should have meant "accepting that person as they are."

But in modern times, it easily becomes
"organizing them into an easy-to-understand form."

In other words,
rather than understanding, it is

categorization.
labeling.
fixation.

This person is this kind of person.
This person is someone who reacts this way.
This person is someone with these values.

Of course,
that makes relationships smoother.

It also creates a sense of security.

But at the same time,
it also begins to close off possibilities.

I feel that this was also the reason
I felt uncomfortable with the atmosphere at school
back in the day.

In a way,
people were being "defined."

That person is an extrovert.
That person is a quiet person.
That person is a good student.
That person is an oddball.

And,
the person themselves also starts to conform
to that atmosphere to some extent.

It might have been different at first.

But,
as the understanding of those around them piles up,
"it becomes easier to exist as that person."

Then,
it becomes harder to break out of that mold.

Understanding
can sometimes become a cage.

And,
what is truly painful is

not "not being understood," but

“It might be that you become unable to step down from the role you were understood to have.”

That is why people suffer even though they want to be understood.

The more you are understood, the more you begin to conform to that understanding.

Of course, being understood is not inherently bad.

There are moments when people are saved by being accepted by someone else.

“I understand.”

Sometimes, that one phrase is enough to bring someone to tears.

But if it ends there,

only the “version of yourself that was conveyed” begins to remain.

What you were truly feeling. What has not yet become words. The discomfort you cannot explain. The sensation of changing.

Those things start to be left behind.

That is why some people suffer the more they try to explain.

Because the more you explain, the more you are absorbed into the other person's understanding.

In reality, it was more ambiguous. It was more of a work in progress. It was more wavering.

But the moment you are understood, the shape becomes fixed.

And then, you become unable to deviate from that.

That is why, lately, I have started to look at things a little differently.

What people are truly seeking might not be “understanding” itself,

but rather “the feeling that one can exist even without being understood.”

I sometimes feel that way. It is okay if not everything is conveyed. It is okay if you cannot explain it fully. It is okay if you are still in the middle of things. It is okay if you are changing. It is okay if you are contradictory.

Even in that state,
the relationship does not break.

Your existence is not rushed.
You are not fixed into a role.

In truth,
there may be many people seeking such a space.

In the modern age,
the speed of understanding is fast.

Even on social media,
people are quickly categorized.

A single word.
A single scene.
A single part.

With just that,
you are treated as 'this kind of person'.

That is precisely why,
people begin to create,

a 'version of themselves that gets across'.

A self that is easy to understand.
A self that is hard to misunderstand.
A self that is easy to like.

But,
the stronger that becomes,
the further your true feelings retreat.

In truth,
it wasn't that you wanted to be understood.

Perhaps,
you just wanted to feel,
'it is okay to just be as I am'.

If that is the case.

What is needed from now on,
is not just explaining things better.

It may be,
'a relationship where you can remain while leaving things unknown'.

Even if you are not fully understood,
you can exist.

Even if you are not fixed into a role,
you can breathe.

Even if you are changing,
your place does not disappear.

Try returning to that feeling.

That may be what is truly being sought
deep within the "pain of wanting to be understood."
It might be what is truly needed.

Do you ever feel this sense of discomfort?

Even though you should be tired, for some reason you cannot rest.

Even though you should be recognized, you do not feel fulfilled.

Even though you don't intend to be overly considerate, you find yourself prioritizing others before you know it.

Even though you are engaging properly, you feel somewhat alone.

Even though you want to stop, for some reason you keep repeating the same thing.

If you have such a sense of discomfort,
perhaps these are not separate problems.

The articles here are
not meant to provide answers, but

are meant to help you look at that discomfort from a slightly different angle.

If there is a feeling that resonates with you,
please try reading the article closest to that discomfort.

Why you don't feel fulfilled even when recognized

Why do I end up being so overly considerate?

When you are engaging properly but still feel somewhat alone

If you have

"I understand it in my head, but I can't change"
"I thought I realized it, but I've gone back to how I was"

If you have such a feeling,
please try reading these articles as well.

When you want to stop, but cannot

The reason why you don't change even though you understand

When you don't change even after asking yourself questions

When you realize it, but fall back into old patterns

The reason why you fall back even after realizing

What if the misalignment cannot be fixed?

For those who want to look deeper

Here, I mainly write about the discomfort and physical sensations felt in daily life.
The underlying structure is touched upon little by little in the paid articles.

The underlying structure is touched upon little by little in the paid articles.
If, after reading the free articles,

If, after reading the free articles,

"Why do I keep repeating the same things?"
"Why do I fall back even after realizing?"

When such questions remain,
please take a look at the paid articles as well.

What was peace of mind, anyway?

When you want to change, but end up doing the same thing again