Why am I not satisfied even when I am recognized?

When I was in elementary school, I got a perfect score on a math test just once.

I don't remember if I studied for that test or not.
In fact, I was not good at schoolwork.

I didn't like sitting at my desk, and I remember struggling to fill out the test answer sheets.

That's why that perfect score was a little special.

The teacher praised me.
People around me were a little surprised too.
I feel like it even became a topic of conversation at home.
I myself was happy about it in some way.

Maybe I'm smarter than I think.
I remember thinking that just a little bit.

But that feeling didn't last long.

The perfect score was only that one time.
After that, it was business as usual.

My grades weren't good.
In fact, I think I was often closer to the bottom than the top.

And strangely enough, that perfect score, which had made me so happy, left nothing behind as time passed.

It didn't change my life.
It didn't make me like studying.
It didn't give me confidence.
There was certainly a moment when I was recognized.

But I wasn't satisfied.

Looking back now, that feeling is a bit strange.

I didn't realize it at the time, but people might unexpectedly think,
"If I am recognized, I will feel at ease."
or something like that.

If I am recognized, I can feel secure.
If I am recognized, I can have confidence.
If I am recognized, I will be satisfied.

We hold such expectations somewhere inside us.

That's why we work hard at our studies.
We work hard at our jobs.
We try to produce results.
We try to gain recognition.

Of course, that in itself is not a bad thing.

In fact, there are paths that open up by being recognized.
Sometimes things become easier to do.

I think it is also an important thing in society.

However, being recognized and being fulfilled are not quite the same thing.
In fact, from the moment you are recognized, something else often begins.

You are expected to do it again.
You must produce results again.
You must be recognized again.

You have to maintain it.

And so, even though you were recognized, it gradually becomes painful.

This is not just about studying.

It is the same in work.
It is the same in human relationships.
It is the same on social media.

You were evaluated.
You were praised.
You were recognized.
You are happy.

But after that, a certain tension arises.

Expectations are born, and roles are created.

And before you know it, you try to maintain
the 'recognized version of yourself'.

A kind person.
A hard worker.
A reliable person.
An interesting person.
A dependable person.
A profound person.

People take on various roles.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with those roles.

However, if it continues, the self that is recognized and the self that you truly feel can gradually drift apart.

That is why it is painful even when you are recognized.
It is painful even when you are needed.
It is painful even when you are evaluated.

Such things happen.

I used to find it strange.

I thought I wanted to be recognized, but why can't I feel at ease even when I am?

Why am I not fulfilled?
Why do I keep seeking the next thing?

But lately, I have a slightly different perspective.

Perhaps what people truly wanted
was not recognition.

Or evaluation.
Or understanding.
Or praise.
Or results.

It might have been something else entirely.

For example,

The feeling that it is okay even if you haven't achieved results.
A relationship that doesn't disappear even if you can't meet expectations.
The feeling that it is okay to exist without becoming someone special.

It might have been something like that.

Being recognized is a happy thing.

That is a fact.
But that alone is not enough to feel fulfilled.

Because being recognized is,
in many cases, conditional.

Because you have good grades.
Because you produced results.
Because you were useful.
Because you met expectations.

There are conditions.

Therefore, when those conditions are lost, you become anxious.

You try to maintain them.
You try to protect them.
And you become exhausted.

That is why people,
rather than feeling fulfilled by being recognized,
sometimes even feel more burdened by it.

There is a slightly ironic structure here.

I wanted to be recognized.
But what I really wanted was not recognition.

It might have been peace of mind.
It might have been the ability to be one's natural self.
It might have been the ability to remain creative.

It might have been the feeling of circulating within the meaning of life.

If that is the case,
what is truly important in life

might not be to look only at what has been recognized.

Things that were not recognized.
Things that were not valued.
Things that were not understood.

Even within those things,
there are times when something important to you remains.

In fact,

Things that did not disappear even when they were not recognized.
Things that continued even without results.
Things that remained even without meeting expectations.

It is precisely there,
that there might be something that tells you the direction of your life.

More than the moment you were recognized,
it is about what remained even when you were not.

If you have a feeling of being unfulfilled right now,

that sense of discomfort,
is not seeking something that has yet to be recognized.

It might be trying to remember something important,
that exists in a place separate from being recognized.

Do you have any of these feelings of discomfort?

Even though I should be tired, for some reason I cannot rest.

Even though I should be recognized, I am not fulfilled.

I don't intend to be considerate, but before I know it, I am prioritizing others.

Even though I am properly involved, I feel like I am alone somewhere.

Even though I want to stop, for some reason I keep repeating the same thing.

If you have such discomfort,
perhaps they are not separate worries.

The articles here,
are not meant to teach you the answers,

but are meant to help you look at that discomfort from a slightly different angle.

If there is a feeling that catches your attention,
please try reading the article closest to that discomfort.

Why am I not fulfilled even when I am recognized?

Why do I worry so much about others?

When you are properly engaged with others, but still feel like you are alone somewhere

If,

“I understand it in my head, but I can't change”
“I thought I realized it, but I keep going back”

If you have that feeling,
please read this article as well.

When you want to stop, but you can't

The reason why you understand, but cannot change

When you have a question, but nothing changes

When you notice it, but go back to how you were

The reason why you go back even after you've noticed

If the gap cannot be corrected

For those who want to look deeper

Here, I mainly write about the discomfort and physical sensations felt in daily life.

The underlying structure is touched upon little by little in the paid articles.

If, after reading the free articles,

“Why do I keep repeating the same things?”
“Why do I go back even after I've noticed?”

When such questions remain,
please take a look at the paid articles as well.

What was peace of mind, anyway?

When you want to change, but end up doing the same thing again