#WhatAreYouTalkingAbout [Full-length Novel] Episode 1 (The Mushroom Child)

Episode 1: The Mushroom Child

　This morning was supposed to be just like any other—.
　An unchanging morning. I headed to the washroom with sleepy eyes as usual, drowsily put toothpaste on my toothbrush, and brushed my teeth with my eyes closed. Then I turned on the hot water and washed my face. Finally, I finished wiping with a towel, and I finally woke up.
　My vision cleared. And then, facing the mirror, I lost my words.
“Huh, what is this...”
　On the upper right side of my head, just a bit before the crown, 'it' was there. I fearfully touched the tip with my finger.
　It was probably a little shorter than my pinky finger. It had a bit of elasticity and felt moist and smooth. A red cap with a white marble pattern. 'It' looked like something that could be used as a game item, peeking out from between my hair.
“A mushroom...?”
　With both hands on the washbasin, I stared intently at the thing on my head. Sure enough, 'it' was unmistakably a 'mushroom'.
“No way, a mushroom is seriously growing on me...”
　Is this a dream or reality? I tried pinching my cheek, but it hurt like normal. In other words, this is reality—but it’s too far-fetched for that.
　I tried pulling the mushroom hard, just in case. A strong electric current ran through my scalp for an instant. The sheer pain made my body twitch, and I twisted my face.
“Ouch!”
　I almost screamed at the top of my lungs. Tears welled up in the corners of my eyes. I got what was coming to me for trying that.
“What is this mushroom, anyway...”
　The only thing I could think of when I heard 'mushroom' was that conversation with Matsudaira the other day.

　That was last weekend.
　As usual, I was staring at the white screen and the blinking cursor in front of me, sighing over my stalled novel writing. Even when I closed my eyes and looked up at the heavens, the view in front of me just changed from white to black, and still, nothing came to mind. I groaned, "Nnnngh," furrowed my brows, and held my head.
　The door to my room opened with a click, without a knock.
“Tokio. Apparently, there’s a mushroom festival in the back alley today, so let’s go together.”
　Matsudaira said that in his usual cheerful tone, not even caring about my state.
　Matsudaira Utanokami, my roommate. At the same time, he’s an honest, goofy, and naturally cheerful person. No, he’s beyond natural; he might even be a natural treasure.
　The voice Matsudaira let out was dazzling. Shielding my eyes from that light with my right hand, I turned toward him awkwardly, my face still scrunched up from the glare.
“Sorry, I can’t. I have to think about the content of my novel.”
　Matsudaira leaned against the door, furrowing his brows as if a bit exasperated.
“Geez, Tokio, you’re trying too hard. Let’s take a break. If you keep cooping yourself up like that, a mushroom is going to grow out of your head.”
　No way, as if a mushroom would grow out of my head just from being a shut-in. I thought, mentally retorting to Matsudaira’s joke, and thought about the last six months.
　Six months ago, a novel I submitted to a creative contest was rejected. Driven by that frustration, this shut-in life began. Since then, for six months, I’ve been facing the screen like this, repeating the cycle of writing and deleting. I didn’t even know what the right answer was anymore.
“Even so, I have to write right now. Well, I’ll take a break eventually.”
　I was stubborn. I lifted my right hand, which I had been using as a visor, slightly, turned my chair around, and faced the computer screen again.
“You’re stingy, Tokio. Don’t come crying to me when a mushroom grows on you.”
　Matsudaira left my room after saying just that.


　A few days have passed since then, and now, a mushroom is truly growing on my head. It’s hard to believe, but what Matsudaira said has become reality.
　Remembering that day, I left the washroom. Then, I knocked on the door of Matsudaira’s room across the hall.
“Matsudaira~. I need to talk to you for a second.”
　There was no reply from Matsudaira. Knowing him, he was probably still asleep.
“I’m coming in~.”
　I slowly opened the door. In the dimly lit room, several guitars that Matsudaira loves were leaning against a dedicated stand against the wall. Unfinished manga books were scattered on the low table.
　Thinking about how it was still messy as ever, I looked toward the back of the room. As expected, Matsudaira was curled up in his futon, sleeping soundly. I sat by the bed and poked his forehead with my fingertip, saying his name in a monotone, "Ma~tsu~dai~ra~."
　Matsudaira scrunched his face and opened his sleepy eyes slightly, saying, "Nnn..."
“Hey, a mushroom seriously grew on my head.”
　I showed the mushroom on my head to Matsudaira.
　Matsudaira sat up a bit and, while squinting suspiciously, looked at the mushroom and said,
“Eh, what...? A d*ck?”
“No, it’s not!! It’s a mushroom!”
　If something like that grew on my head, it would be a major incident. It’s bad enough that it’s a mushroom, but if a lewd mushroom like that grew there—just thinking about it makes my skin crawl.
　Matsudaira picked up his glasses and his prosthetic eye case from the shelf by his pillow, sat cross-legged on the bed, and began putting them on with practiced hands.
　That’s right. Matsudaira was extremely nearsighted, and he couldn’t see out of his left eye.
“Oh, you’re right. It is a mushroom. What happened? Is it edible?”
“What are you talking about? If it were edible, it would already be in my stomach by now.”
　Or rather, first of all, I don’t even want to eat a mushroom like this. And above all, it would definitely hurt if I cut it. It’s torture. Just imagining it makes my balls shrink in fear.
“Ah, true. Then, what is it for?”
“No, I don’t know. That’s not it, what you said last week about a 'mushroom growing from your head,' that thing. You didn’t actually know when you said it, right?”
　Hearing those words, Matsudaira’s eyes sparkled.
“Eh, if I knew, wouldn’t I be amazing? I said it as a joke back then, but I felt like I saw a mushroom on your head... maybe this prosthetic eye has some kind of precognitive ability.”
　Matsudaira said that, closed his right eye, and grinned as if looking through the distance with his left prosthetic eye, which was indistinguishable from a real one.
　I gently placed my hand on his shoulder. I tried to speak as calmly as possible.
“There’s no way you have precognitive abilities, Matsudaira.”
“Ehh~,” Matsudaira said, his shoulders slumping, and I asked him next.
“More importantly, what should I do about this mushroom?”
　Matsudaira’s face brightened up instantly from his depressed state.
“How about putting it on that long-running show, 'Strange Sights'?”
　That’s a no-go!! Hearing that answer, I almost fainted.
　This mushroom on national television... that’s definitely a no-go. It’s an immediate out.
“That would just guarantee I’d be a shut-in! I’d never be able to enter society for the rest of my life!”
“Huh? Is it really no good? I thought it was interesting. It’s definitely a strange sight, and when you think of mushrooms, you think of d*cks. When you think of d*cks, you think of strange...”
　At that moment, I instantly grabbed Matsudaira’s cheeks with my right hand and squashed them. Along with his mouth, his eyes were squeezed toward the center of his face, creating a charming, funny face.
　This guy, he definitely prioritizes fun over my social standing. As I thought, asking Matsudaira was a mistake. Thinking that, I let go of the noisy, funny-faced guy.
“Well, it might be some kind of disease or parasite, so I should go to the hospital for now.”
“Ooh. Is it a urologist, then?”
　Matsudaira, with only his mouth still in that funny shape, raised his eyebrows and looked at me with glee.
　I thought he would say that.
“What I want checked isn’t down there, it’s up here. And it’s a mushroom, not my son.”
　Although I said that, I couldn’t help but sigh, wondering if there was even a doctor who could examine a mushroom.
“Hmm, in that case, why don’t you have Dr. Pon examine it?”
“Dr. Pon...?”
“Yeah, he’s the doctor at the clinic I go to. His name is 'Pon-kotsu' (clumsy), so Dr. Pon. He’s clumsy, but apparently, he can even examine aliens.”
　Pon-kotsu... he sounded like a shady doctor just from the name. I can’t believe in aliens, but considering the mushroom on my head, something unrealistic might be just right. No, but, that recommendation from Matsudaira...
　As I was hesitating, Matsudaira added,
“Oh, and the nurse, Eri-san, is a beauty.”
　Matsudaira gave a thumbs-up with his left hand and struck a pose with a sharp expression.
　A beautiful nurse... I decided immediately. But, I had to consider Matsudaira.
“Is that so. Well, for now, I’ll try trusting that doctor’s skills.”
　At those words, Matsudaira’s face smirked.
“You’re not being honest. Actually, Tokio, you’re aiming for Eri-san, aren’t you?”
　I said, trying to stop Matsudaira.
“Shut up, don’t lump me in with you. I want to do something about this mushroom.”
　Saying that, I touched the mushroom on my head. And I realized.
“Hey, Matsudaira, my mushroom... it’s grown a size bigger than this morning...”
“Eh, really? Oh, as I thought, Tokio, you were thinking about Eri-san, weren’t you~”
　Matsudaira laughed innocently, as if teasing me.
“No, no way, there’s no way I’d think about something like that.”
　I, who had been completely hit on the mark, smiled awkwardly.
　And I thought. Wait, if that’s the case, this mushroom... eventually it will be bigger than my son—I absolutely cannot let that happen. No matter what, I have to part ways with this mushroom. I firmly swore in my heart that I would definitely remove the mushroom.
　However, I had no way of knowing at that time that because of this determination, I would end up carrying the fate of the world on my shoulders and getting involved with such chaotic people.

Episode 2: The Abruptness of Pon-kotsu

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#WhatAreYouTalkingAbout

#WhatAreYouTalkingAbout
Episode 1: The Mushroom Child
Episode 2: The Abruptness of Pon-kotsu
Episode 3: Mission Impossible
Episode 4: What Are You Talking About Department
Episode 5: The Man Named Konishi Mushroom
Episode 6: Nice to Meet You is the Beginning of Chaos
Episode 7: Lake Mill and the Lost Child
Episode 8: Deceived by Longing
Episode 9: The Hidden Truth
Episode 10: The End is the Beginning

《Characters》
　With permission, I have borrowed names and settings from noters. The character portrayals in the novel are the author’s imagination, so they may differ from the actual personalities of the noters whose names were borrowed.
　Also, considering spoilers, introductions of the noters and the original articles may be done after the serialization of the full-length novel is finished.
Thank you for your understanding.

Tokio (Original Character)
Matsudaira Utanokami

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