The voice that kept blaming me was trying to protect me

This is a story from my childhood.
I would follow the steps and complete it properly.
Yet, the moment it was finished, a feeling would well up: "Is this really okay? The things I make feel somehow wrong."

I also hated the things I made in nursery school and elementary school. Drawings, crafts, essays, anything. While I was making them, I would choose my favorite colors and words, and work on them with all my might. And yet, when they were finished, for some reason, a sense of disgust would arise.

Do you have this feeling too?

This phenomenon continued even after I became an adult.
A voice in my head was always blaming me and doubting my choices. Even though I was trying desperately to respond to that voice, I could never be satisfied.

I had felt suffocated for a long time.

Now, I have become much kinder to myself. It's not that I have a feeling of "I love myself!", but I have a sense of satisfaction and peace of mind that "this is okay."

■ The voice in my head that never goes quiet

Because I was in a state where there was [another version of myself in my head that blamed and doubted me], I was a perfectionist for a long time, trying to respond to that voice.

However, even if I did things perfectly, the voice in my head was never satisfied. It would immediately find faults and blame me again.

I reached my limit in responding to that voice.
It was after I gave birth.

It was my first time raising a child in an unfamiliar place. Before giving birth, I had read many books on how to change diapers, how to put a baby to sleep, and so on, and I had studied diligently.

But almost everything about raising a child was unexpected.
Even though I was doing my best to deal with things despite not knowing what I was doing, the voice in my head kept blaming me.

My body was exhausted from the daily lack of sleep.
I had no one to rely on during the day, and I was doing almost everything on my own.
I was broken by this voice and fell into depression.
Thinking about it now, I feel so sorry for the version of me that was trying so hard. *cries*

■ I don't know how to "take it easy"

Around that time, an event happened that shocked me.

When I met friends with my child or participated in gatherings at the local community center, mothers who seemed to be trying less hard than me were spending time with their babies looking very happy.

"It's okay to cut corners more, you know."
"Just take it easy~"

Even if I was told that, I had no idea how to cut corners, or how to take it easy.
I simply didn't know.
I had no clue at all.

This was time with my precious child, whom I had wanted and been blessed with from the bottom of my heart. I should have been looking forward to it all along, yet I wasn't enjoying it at all. Despairing over that fact, a sense of rebellion was born for the first time against the voice in my head.

But.
Even if I thought that, the voice wouldn't disappear.
It kept blaming me just as before.

What is different between me and those happy-looking moms?

Wanting to solve that question, I threw myself into reading. Since a large library had just opened in my neighborhood, I read through at least ten books each on every field I was curious about.

■ Everything applied

The first thing I read was a book on self-esteem.
I realized that my self-esteem was remarkably low (practically negative).

Next was attachment disorder.It applied to me so much that I wondered if someone who knew me had written it.

After that was personality disorder.
Several types of this also applied to me.

Following that was adult children.It applied perfectly.HSP, highly sensitive people also applied, as expected.

I was truly surprised.

And when I had read this far,
I began to think like this.

Being blamed this much,
was something I couldn't help.

■ Each of these is like this

Self-esteem
The feeling that you have value. When it is low, characteristics such as being unable to acknowledge your own success, excessively blaming yourself for failures, and being strongly influenced by the evaluations of others tend to appear. I, who thought I had to work harder than anyone else precisely because I had no value, was in exactly this state.

Attachment disorder
A state where a sense of security in relationships with others does not develop well due to the influence of parent-child relationships in childhood. There is an anxious-dependent type with strong anxiety about being abandoned, and an avoidant type who is not good at relying on others and keeps their distance when they become close.
I had a mix of both; I was dependent regarding health and family, and avoidant in other human relationships. This made my human relationships even more complicated.

Personality Disorder
A condition where patterns of thinking and emotion become extreme, causing difficulties in daily life and relationships. There are 10 types. Based on self-assessment, I identified with three.

Adult Children (AC)
A state where the effects of growing up in a dysfunctional family persist into adulthood. Characteristics include a tendency to blame oneself, trying too hard to meet others' expectations, and becoming perfectionistic.People who were unable to be children when they were children.

HSP
A temperament with very high sensitivity. Sensitive to stimuli, thinks deeply, strongly perceives others' feelings, and tires easily. I felt that this sensitivity exacerbated the other characteristics.

■ It wasn't my fault

What I learned from reading these books.

It was that I was not at fault.

Babies do not know from birth whether they have value.
In the relationship with the adults around them, especially their parents, they gradually learn whether they are a person to be cherished and whether they can exist with peace of mind.

If, in that process, they were always rejected, excessively expected of, or had their emotions ignored.
When such experiences continue, a child naturally begins to think like this.

Children do not have the power to change their environment.
Therefore, they try to change themselves.

If I become a better child, it will be fine.
If I become more perfect, it will be fine.
That is how they try to be loved.

In other words, the voice that kept ringing in my head was not trying to make me suffer.

It was a voice that was desperately trying to protect me.

Its true nature was a feeling of worry,
a desire to be loved, and the anxiety and fear of being abandoned.
By knowing that, I was able to gradually see the voice in my head from a different perspective.

■ My childhood

I am the eldest of two sisters. My parents both worked full-time, so I always spent my time at home with my grandmother.

My grandmother had a traumatic childhood. She was very strict, and I have no memories of having fun conversations with her. Even when I showed her the pictures I drew, she would look at them with a blank expression and no reaction. I was never praised, not even once.

When my father came home from work, he would have a drink and sometimes play with me, but he was generally quiet. He would suddenly get into a bad mood, so I was careful not to upset him. My mother was always walking on eggshells around her mother-in-law, who lived with us, and she didn't seem very interested in me.

When my younger sister was born when I was four, the family focused entirely on her. My mother, in particular, favored my sister. When she called my sister, she used a gentle voice, saying 'So-and-so-chan.' When she called me, she would look at me as if I were something filthy and call me by my name without any honorifics.

Seeing her offer the kind words and smiles to my sister that were never directed at me—even now, remembering it makes my chest ache.

Even when I told them about something unpleasant that happened at school, I have no memory of them ever empathizing with me by saying, 'That must have been hard.' The adults were all too busy with their own lives every day.

Home was not a place where I could feel safe.
It was always somewhat uncomfortable, and I felt like I didn't belong. I lived with the anxiety of wondering if I was even allowed to be there.

This experience created the
fundamental value within me that I wouldn't be accepted unless I worked hard.
This is what formed my core values.

■ This is a free essay I wrote about this experience ↓

■ Parenting helped me raise myself again

With that background, I have approached parenting with a sense ofreliving my own childhoodI give to my children the things I wanted my parents to do for me but never did. By doing so, I felt my emotional wounds beginning to heal.

And I realized something.

The more I try to cherish my children,
the more I realize that I need to show that same kindness to myself.

You cannot give others what you crave but have not been given yourself.

For example, if you struggle with the conflict of 'wanting to rely on others but being unable to,' you cannot honestly accept it when your child tries to rely on you.

I never got to rely on anyone. It even stirs up anger, thinking, 'Why do you get to be so lucky!'

So, I started by practicing relying on my husband and the people around me, and letting myself be taken care of.

■ What it means to accept and love yourself

To accept and love yourself means to acknowledge that you are a person of value even with your flaws and to accept them.

I used to think that I had no value if I had flaws. That is why I worked harder than anyone else and tried to be perfect. But in reality, it was the opposite. It is okay to exist just as you are, even with flaws. Once I understood that, my self-esteem began to grow.

To heal an unfulfilled heart, I recommend talking through your experiences and feelings completely. You can talk to someone you trust, or you can write them down. This was also recommended in a book on attachment disorders.

What were you feeling? What was painful for you? What did you really want to happen? As you put these into words, the emotions you have suppressed will begin to be organized.

I, too, had almost never written down and organized the voices in my head. When I wrote them down for the first time, I was very surprised by how aggressive the words were.

I shudder just thinking about what it would be like if my husband said these things to me every day. I was saying things to myself around the clock that would be deeply hurtful if someone else said them to me.

But that, too, was a defensive reaction to survive.
It could not be helped.

In closing

To you who have read this far,
I want to tell you this.

The reason you were suffering is not because you are bad. By knowing the reasons and putting them into words, you can change the voices in your head.

You are enough just as you are!
You have worked so hard!

I have summarized the process until my asthma stopped occurring below

Thank you very much.
Your 'likes' are my encouragement✨