Family Travelogue | Epilogue: My Challenge for Freedom and Autonomy Has Just Begun

▼ Click here for previous travelogues

Family Travelogue | Signs of Graduating from Being the One Who Ruins the Fun Atmosphere

Family Travelogue | A Healthy Mind Means Having a Few Screws Loose. Plans Overturned the Day Before

Family Travelogue | Kurama-dera Temple: My Knees Scream, the Universe Smiles

Family Travelogue | Kibune Shrine: "Getting Along" Means "Forgiveness," Haha

Family Travelogue | Nishiki Market: When I Found the Courage to Leave the Table, I Reached My True Feelings and Happiness

Family Travelogue | Tipsy Panna Cotta: Wanting to Rejoice in Unexpected "Miracles"

Family Travelogue | Is Kakkonto Love or Calculation? Don't Push Yourself, Don't Rush, Ensuring Health is the Top Priority

Family Travelogue | Zuigudo Hall's Womb Pilgrimage: Untying the "Curse of Marriage" in Pitch Black Darkness

Family Travelogue | Kiyomizu-dera Temple: I Wanted to Protect My Daughter's HP, But She Exploded with Vitality Herself

Family Travelogue | Tower of the Sun: Each Person is Their Own Universe, So No Need for Logic Wars ♡

Family Travelogue | The Miracle of Minpaku: Beyond My Darkness and Memories of Past Lives, I Saw the Radiance of My Daughter's Soul

On the way home from the trip, I probably made a slip of the tongue and put my husband in a bad mood.

It was two weeks ago, and honestly, I can't remember exactly what I said.
I think we were both probably tired.

Even after we got home, things were tense, so I tried to stay out of his way.

The next day.
Both the kids and I were off. Only my husband had work.
The tense atmosphere and the volume of his daily movements spoke volumes about his turbulent emotions.

The old me would have been desperate to calm the storm.
I would have woken up early to serve tea, apologized for the driving, and taken the full brunt of his anger. By doing that, I wore myself down to keep the peace and make the house a place where he could feel at ease.
And then, when I couldn't take it anymore, I would snap to try and protect myself.

But things are different now.

There was no need to go out of my way to step into the storm, fight it, and get hurt.
That is what I want to tell my past self.

(Oh, I haven't been subjected to physical violence or anything. The hurt is emotional.)

As I began to gain mental freedom, I pretended to be asleep in my futon and waited for the storm to pass.

(Thank you. Thank you so much for going to work! I am able to live because of you. Good night.)

I'm glad I found a way to get through it.
He came home normally and peacefully at night.

If I don't start a strange 'war of logic,' only gratitude for our roles remains.

I think I have taken my roles as a mother and a wife too seriously until now.
'I'm doing so much for you, so why are you blaming me? You, too...'

I want to graduate from this way of being where I exhaust myself trying to prove my own correctness and seeking approval.


Honestly, I didn't think this travelogue would become so long.

The fact that I have so much I want to write makes me feel that my consciousness toward 'freedom' is truly opening up within me.

I feel like I've been binding myself and staying tense, thinking that I wouldn't be loved unless I worked hard at something in a conventional way.

That's exactly why I thought I wanted to be whispered love unconditionally around the clock, haha.

However, I actually know the truth.

Even if I am not loved by someone else, I can forgive, accept, and love myself. That is where it all begins.

After this trip, my heart became so free that I couldn't bring myself to work hard at anything other than writing this travelogue, haha.

My room is a mess. My wake-up time, bedtime, and meal times have all shifted backward. I even forgot to take out the trash once, haha.

In real life, there were events where I felt like I was being blamed by conventional people.

But I realized something.
I wasn't being blamed. I just couldn't forgive myself for 'being free,' and I was blaming myself. I'm grateful for the realization.

From now on, I will ignore with all my might any voices that cloud my free heart, haha.

If I am to rebuild my life, I want to act not to be recognized or loved by someone else, but purely for my own 'comfort.'

Yesterday, I think I spent about 15 minutes alone under the cherry blossoms, but it seems it was quite refreshing.

After I got home, I opened all the windows and doors to let the air circulate, and I cleaned up at incredible speed.

I felt like my 'beliefs' and 'actions' had finally aligned.

I feel like I have been conditioned since childhood to be 'heteronomous,' always anticipating things so that no one would get angry.

I feel like I have been fiercely scolded whenever I deviated from adult standards and made a mistake.

That is why, when I got tired of acting in a way to avoid being scolded, I would dare to deviate from common sense. But isn't that still a state where my consciousness is being hijacked by something other than myself?

I prayed to the stone in the Zuigudo Hall of Kiyomizu-dera Temple to live by expressing the joy of my soul.

I want to start living a life where I listen to and act upon the pure voice from the depths of my soul, transcending common sense thought up in my head, other people's opinions, and calculations about not being disliked or trying to be liked.

A "curse" is making endurance a virtue.

"Liberation" is making yourself the subject.

I choose liberation.

I drank some doburoku, but I have written everything I could possibly write!