💗 Why it was painful, even though it was love

It was night.

I had just gotten out of the bath.

My hair was still a little damp.

Sitting on the bed.

I was holding my smartphone.

I had LINE open.

Waiting for a reply from him.

I kept reading it over and over again.

💬 I have someone I like.

If things were normal.

I should have been happy.

Looking forward to the day we could meet.

Feeling happy when I got a message.

Even the nights I spent alone.

Should have felt a little warmer.

🌙 But the old me.

Even though I was in love.

For some reason, it was painful.

Even though I liked him.

It was painful.

Even though they are precious.

I feel exhausted.

Even though I don't want to be apart.

When we are together.

I feel small.

That was the kind of relationship I was in.

💗 Back then.

I didn't understand the reason why.

Is love.

Supposed to be like this?

If you love someone.

Are you supposed to feel anxious?

If they are precious.

Are you supposed to endure it?

If you want to be loved.

Even if it's a little painful.

Is it unavoidable?

That's what I thought.

💬 But now I understand a little.

The reason it was painful, even though it was love, was because...

It wasn't just because there was no love.

It wasn't just because I liked him, either.

It was because I.

My own heart.

Had been putting it on the back burner all along.

🌙 He replies.

I feel relieved.

He is slow to reply.

I feel anxious.

He is kind.

I feel happy.

He is cold.

I blame myself.

It was a cycle of that.

💗 Because of his reaction.

My day was determined.

Because of his mood.

My feelings would change.

Because of his words.

Even my own self-worth.

I was wavering.

💬 And yet, I...

I thought that was love.

It can't be helped because I love him.

I'm anxious because I'm serious.

I'm enduring it because it's important.

Getting hurt is...

Because I am weak.

That's what I thought.

🌙 Waking up in the morning.

The first thing I looked at was my phone.

If I saw a message from him,

I felt a little relieved.

If there wasn't one,

While still in bed,

I opened LINE again.

I pulled down the notification bar.

Nothing had changed.

💗 Even while at work,

he was somewhere in the back of my mind.

I sat at my desk.

I was looking at my computer.

I was talking to people.

But.

I was worried about my phone.

I checked it during my break.

I checked it in the restroom, too.

I checked it on the train ride home.

💬 Just because the reply was short.

My whole day sank.

"Yeah"

"Got it"

"See you"

Those few words.

I read them over and over again.

Are they angry?

Have they lost interest?

Did I do something?

That's what I was thinking.

🌙 In truth.

Maybe I was just tired.

Maybe I was just busy.

Maybe they just sent it without thinking.

But I.

Took that one word.

And used it to judge myself.

💗 The reason why it was painful, even though it was love.

It was because.

I used his words.

Not just to confirm his love.

But to confirm my own worth.

If he was kind to me.

I was okay.

If he was cold to me.

I was no good.

That is how.

I defined myself.

💬 Even when I was with him.

My heart could not rest.

I watched his expression.

I watched the tone of your voice.

I watched the length of the silence.

I watched how often you looked at your phone.

Every time I heard you sigh.

My heart felt uneasy.

🌙 Rather than enjoying myself.

I was thinking about not making you angry.

Rather than talking.

I was thinking about not making a mistake.

Rather than being together.

I was thinking about not being disliked.

Even though I was in front of the person I loved.

I was nervous the whole time.

💗 In truth.

I was lonely.

But I couldn't say it.

In truth.

I wanted to see you.

But I held it in.

In truth.

That way of speaking hurts.

That's what I thought.

But I laughed it off.

💬 "I'm fine."

I said it many times.

Even though I wasn't actually fine.

"Don't push yourself."

I sent that many times.

In truth.

The one who was pushing themselves.

Was me.

🌙 There were nights I drafted messages.

"I'm a little lonely."

I typed that.

But I deleted it.

I felt like it was too heavy.

I typed it again.

I made it sound a bit more cheerful.

But it wasn't how I really felt.

I deleted it again.

💗 In the end, what I sent was.

"It's okay if you're busy."

That was it.

It was a kind word.

It wasn't wrong.

But.

Within those words.

My true feelings.

Were nowhere to be found.

💬 The reason it was painful, even though it was love, was not because I had someone I liked.

It was because in front of the person I liked.

I kept erasing my own heart.

Every time I cherished him.

I put myself on the back burner.

Every time I protected his mood.

I silenced my own emotions.

🌙 It was a day off.

It was past noon.

The curtains were half-closed.

The room was quiet.

The room was a little dark.

On the table.

A half-drunk plastic bottle.

On the chair.

Unfolded clothes.

Beside the bed.

A smartphone connected to a charger.

💗 In truth.

I wanted to clean up.

I wanted to do the laundry, too.

I could have gone out for a bit.

I wanted to reply to the LINE message from my friend.

But.

He might contact me.

He might suddenly say he can meet me.

Thinking that.

I couldn't decide on anything.

💬 It became evening.

There was no word from him.

It became night.

It still hadn't come.

Only the battery on my phone was draining.

The room had grown darker than it was in the morning.

That day.

My day.

Had barely moved forward at all.

🌙 Even so, I thought.

It can't be helped because I'm in love.

It can't be helped because I like him.

It can't be helped because I want to cherish him.

That's what I thought.

But in reality.

To just brush it off as something that can't be helped.

My heart was too exhausted.

💗 There were nights I looked at his social media.

I wish I hadn't looked.

A story had been posted.

He looked like he was having fun.

A reply to me.

Still hadn't come.

But.

The social media feed had been updated.

💬 I closed my phone.

But.

I opened it again.

I looked one more time.

Who are they with?

Where are they?

What time was it posted?

Even though I don't know anything.

I was looking for something.

🌙 Deep in my chest.

It got a little cold.

What am I?

That's what I thought.

But I couldn't ask.

I felt like I would be seen as clingy.

I felt like I would be seen as a burden.

I felt like I would be hated.

💗 That's why.

I pretended not to know anything.

I pretended not to be hurt at all.

"If you're busy, don't push yourself."

That's what I sent.

In truth.

The one who was pushing themselves.

Was me.

💬 After I sent it.

I turned my phone face down.

But I looked at it right away.

I reread the message I sent.

Did it look sarcastic?

Was it cold?

Was it too heavy?

Once again.

I was blaming my own words.

🌙 Nights like that.

I thought that was love.

Even the nights I couldn't sleep from anxiety.

Even the walk home holding back tears.

Smiling even when I wasn't okay.

Blaming myself for his mood.

All of it.

I thought it couldn't be helped because I loved him.

💗 But now I understand a little.

A relationship where you have someone you love,

and a relationship where you lose yourself,

were not the same.

Cherishing your partner,

and making yourself small,

were not the same.

Love,

and continuing to endure,

were not the same.

💬 When I dig into my true feelings,

it was like this.

I want to be loved.

↓

I want to feel secure.

↓

I don't want to be disliked.

↓

I don't want to be abandoned.

↓

I don't want to be alone.

↓

I want to believe that I have value.

↓

I don't want to think of this relationship as a failure.

↓

I don't want to abandon myself.

🌙 When you dig this deep.

Why it was painful even though it was love.

It starts to become a little clearer.

I.

Loved him.

That was true.

But in reality.

In this relationship.

I was trying to fill all of my need for security.

💗 If I were loved by someone.

I would be okay.

If I were chosen by someone.

I would have value.

If I were still with someone.

My life would be moving forward a little.

That is how I thought.

In love.

I was even entrusting the security of my own life.

💬 That is why it was painful.

It was heavy for him, too.

It was heavy for me, too.

On the reaction of one person.

Security.

Value.

Loneliness.

And the future.

I had placed it all on them.

🌙 There were nights I saw a friend's marriage announcement.

It was on social media.

A white dress.

A ring.

A smile.

Congratulatory comments.

I.

Thought congratulations.

I truly thought so.

But.

After that.

My chest ached a little deep inside.

💗 For some people.

It looked like they had a relationship they could feel secure in.

For some people.

It looked like they had proof of being cherished.

For some people.

It looked like they had a love where they could smile naturally.

Compared to that, I.

Even though I was in love.

It was painful the whole time.

💬 What am I doing?

Waiting for his reply.

Canceling my own plans.

Unable to speak my true feelings.

My room becoming a mess.

Deciding my own worth.

Based on whether I was loved.

That version of myself.

Suddenly looked so small.

🌙 But now I understand a little.

Someone else's happiness.

Was not proof of my failure.

Someone else being cherished.

Was not proof that I wouldn't be.

Someone else's peace of mind.

Was not a reason for me to endure.

💗 One day.

On my way home from work.

I looked in the mirror in the station restroom.

My makeup was a little smudged.

My hair was a little messy.

There was fatigue around my eyes.

From looking at my smartphone too much.

My eyes felt a little heavy, too.

💬 Looking at that face.

The me from back then thought.

I'm not cute today either.

I don't have any composure today either.

I don't have the confidence to be loved today either.

But in reality.

That face.

Amidst a painful relationship.

Was the face of someone who did their best for the day.

🌙 It wasn't a face to blame.

It was a face that needed rest.

Hiding the anxiety.

Pretending to be okay.

Swallowing the loneliness.

Still going to work.

It was the face of someone who had returned home.

💗 There was a day I returned to my parents' home for the first time in a while.

It was evening.

My mother was standing in the kitchen.

In her hair.

There were a few more white strands.

My father was sitting in the living room.

His movement to stand up.

Was slower than before.

💬 When I saw that sight.

A tightness formed deep in my chest.

Time is moving forward.

My parents are getting older too.

My friends are also living their own lives.

I am also getting older.

And yet, I.

Was still on my smartphone.

Trying to protect a painful relationship.

🌙 At that moment.

I thought for just a second.

I'm not just suffering because of love.

I'm suffering from the anxiety of not knowing if my life is okay the way it is.

In this relationship.

I think I put everything into it.

That's why.

I couldn't easily admit that it was painful even though I loved them.

I couldn't easily admit it.

💗 And.

Last year, too.

There was a similar night.

I was looking at my phone in the same way.

I was swallowing my true feelings in the same way.

I was in the same kind of painful relationship.

I thought it couldn't be helped because it was love.

The partner was different.

But.

The habit of putting myself last.

Hadn't changed much.

💬 When I realized that.

I got a little scared.

Even if the relationship changes.

I am returning to the same place.

Every time I fall for someone.

I make my own heart smaller.

Even if the person is different.

I am putting myself on the back burner.

That was.

The most painful part.

🌙 I understand a little better now.

When it's painful, even though it's love.

What I should have been looking at.

Wasn't just his feelings.

And it wasn't just his words either.

It was the fact that my heart.

Was telling me it was in pain over and over again.

💗 The signs of losing myself.

Were clearly there.

I stop eating properly.

I don't dry my hair.

My room gets messy.

I can't reply to friends.

I can't speak my true feelings.

Even though I wasn't okay.

I said I was okay.

💬 I was only worried about his words.

I wasn't looking at my own heart.

I was only waiting for his schedule.

I had no plans of my own.

I was only thinking about not being disliked by him.

I was starting to dislike myself.

Right there.

The signs were already appearing.

🌙 But I.

Wasn't looking.

I thought I was protecting this relationship.

I thought I was cherishing him.

But in reality.

My own heart.

Was being left behind.

💗 The reason why it was painful, even though it was love.

It is.

Not just because there wasn't enough love.

It wasn't just because I was weak.

In the midst of love.

My own voice.

I had stopped listening to it.

💬 Cherishing him and.

Erasing myself are different things.

Adapting to him and.

Putting my own life on hold are different things.

Loving him and.

Losing sight of myself are different things.

That.

I wish I had known sooner.

🌙 What was needed was.

Not to start hating him.

Not to give up on love either.

Not to come up with an answer right away either.

First.

That my heart feels painful.

I needed to believe in that.

💗 One night.

He didn't reply again.

In the past.

I would have opened LINE over and over.

I would have checked social media too.

I would have looked back at our past conversations.

I would have held a self-reflection meeting all by myself.

But that day.

I only looked once.

I put it down.

💬 I took a bath.

I dried my hair.

I drank something warm.

I brushed my teeth.

I laid out my clothes for tomorrow.

I dimmed the lights in my room a little.

A reply from him.

Still hadn't come.

🌙 But.

That night.

I kept my heart.

I protected myself a little.

Before looking for proof that he loved me.

That I was in pain.

I acknowledged it a little.

Even if I didn't know his reaction.

I saved a little bit of myself for tomorrow.

💗 That was all it was.

It really was just that.

But.

For me, who was in pain despite being in love.

It was quite significant.

In the time I spent constantly adjusting to his reactions.

Just a little bit.

I came back.

💬 From there.

I didn't change right away.

I checked my phone again.

I felt anxious again.

I almost swallowed my true feelings again.

I pretended to be okay again.

Even though it's painful again.

I almost thought it couldn't be helped because it was love.

🌙 But.

I tried to return to myself little by little.

Today, I will close LINE just once.

Today, I will not look at social media.

Today, I will not doubt my own heart too much.

Today, I will eat a meal.

Today, I will dry my hair.

Today, I will go to sleep.

Today, I will not blame only my own weakness.

For the fact that love is painful.

💗 It was plain and simple.

It's not that love changed suddenly.

It's not that he suddenly became kind.

It's not that I suddenly became strong.

But.

Those plain and simple things.

Brought me back to myself little by little.

💬 When love was painful.

Maybe I was weak.

But.

I was just that serious.

I wanted to be loved.

I wanted to feel secure.

I didn't want to be alone.

This relationship.

I didn't want to make it a mistake.

🌙 Even those feelings.

I didn't have to blame myself for them.

The me who couldn't let go of a painful relationship.

I didn't have to blame myself and call myself a fool.

The me who was in pain even though I was in love.

I didn't have to decide that I was a difficult person.

💗 Just.

From now on.

Just because it's a relationship.

You don't have to.

Pretend your pain doesn't exist.

Just because you love someone.

You don't have to erase yourself.

Just because they are precious.

You don't have to give away.

Your own heart.

💬 Even if you love someone.

You don't have to abandon yourself.

Even if you cherish someone.

You don't have to throw away your today.

Before protecting your relationship with someone.

Your own pain.

It's okay to look at it a little.

🌙 First, for today.

Put down your phone.

Drink something warm.

Dry your hair.

Eat a meal.

Go to sleep.

Save yourself for tomorrow.

💗 Even in a painful relationship.

Protect yourself a little.

Before you believe in someone else's love.

Believe in the voice of your own heart.

Just a little bit.

That alone.

Today, just a little.

You might be able to breathe.

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🌙 Mika Bishin
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Love.

Relationships.

Anxiety about the future.

“Is it okay to keep going like this?”

To the women who have kept trying

while carrying those feelings.🌙

You don't need to rush.

You don't need to push yourself.

Little by little.

By choosing a life where you can feel at ease,

you can live life as your true self.💗

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🌙 Click here for X
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A day when you feel a little tired.

A day when you are troubled by love.

A day when you feel anxious about the future.

I share words you can read on nights like those.

https://x.com/mika_yorunote

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