💗 A story about confusing kindness with control

It was night.

I had just gotten out of the bath.

My hair was still a little damp.

I was looking at my phone.

I had a message from him.

💬

"I'm only saying this because I'm worried about you."

That was the message.

Back then, I...

thought it was a kind thing to say.

He was thinking of me.

He was cherishing me.

I was being loved.

That's what I thought.

🌙 But now, I understand a little better.

I...

had confused kindness with control.

I had misunderstood it.

💗 The old me...

was starving to be loved.

I wanted to be acknowledged.

I wanted to feel secure.

I didn't want to be left behind.

That's why.

Having someone need me intensely.

I thought it was love.

💬 At first, I was happy.

Where are you?

What are you doing?

Did you get home safely?

Who are you with?

I'm worried about you.

Every time I was told that.

I felt like I was being cherished.

🌙 Back when no one cared about me.

Those words made me happy.

I felt like I was needed.

I felt like I wasn't alone.

I felt like I had found a place where I belonged.

💗 But little by little.

The sense of discomfort kept growing.

Going out with friends.

Who are you with?

What time will you be home?

Send me a photo.

Can you talk on the phone?

💬 At first, I answered.

I thought it was normal.

I thought they were just worried about me.

But.

There were days when they would get moody if I didn't answer.

There were days when they would get angry if my reply was slow.

Telling them my plans became a matter of course.

🌙 Even so, I...

Thought it was because they were kind.

Thought they were just the worrying type.

Thought it was their way of showing affection.

In reality.

Even though it was a little painful.

💗 It was on the way home from work.

It was on the train platform.

My phone vibrated.

"Aren't you home yet?"

That was the single sentence.

I.

Replied in a hurry.

I didn't want to make him angry.

I didn't want to make him anxious.

💬 But now I think.

Back then.

What I was trying to protect was.

His peace of mind.

Not my own.

🌙 Since when.

Did I.

Prioritize his mood.

Over my own plans?

Even when meeting friends.

I check my phone.

Even when I'm with family.

I look at my phone.

I worry about it even while at work.

I worry about it even on my days off.

💗 The time that used to be free.

Was slowly being locked away.

But I.

Thought of that lock.

As affection.

💬 In truth.

I felt something was wrong.

But I didn't want to admit it.

If I admitted it.

I would have to admit that this relationship was painful.

If I admitted it.

The option to leave would arise.

If I admitted it.

I might end up alone.

🌙 So.

I silenced my own feelings.

Over and over again.

You're overthinking it.

You're thinking too much.

It's my fault.

I just need to endure it.

That's what I told myself.

💗 I thought they were a kind person.

But.

Whenever I said I didn't like something.

They would get moody.

Whenever I refused.

The atmosphere would become heavy.

Whenever I put myself first.

I felt like I was being blamed.

💬 Back then.

I still wanted to believe they were a kind person.

Because I loved them.

Because I wanted to believe in them.

Because I didn't want to lose them.

🌙 But now I understand a little.

Kindness is.

Do not take away freedom.

That is kindness.

Do not make others afraid.

That is kindness.

Do not control others with your mood.

That is kindness.

Do not make the other person's life smaller.

💗 Truly kind people...

Even if I am laughing with friends,

Even if I am enjoying time alone,

Even if I prioritize myself,

They do not get angry.

💬 Truly kind people...

Do not manage me.

Do not monitor me.

Do not bind me with anxiety.

They cherish the fact that...

I can be myself.

🌙 Back then, I...

Did not understand that.

Being loved.

The difference between being tied down.

I didn't understand.

💗 When I dug into my true feelings.

It was like this.

I want to be loved.

↓

I want to feel secure.

↓

I don't want to be alone.

↓

I don't want to be abandoned.

↓

So I endure it.

↓

So I obey.

↓

So I end up suffering.

💬 I.

Didn't want to be controlled.

I just.

Wanted to feel safe.

Wanted to be loved.

Wanted to be needed.

🌙 That is exactly why.

Control approached me wearing the face of kindness.

I'm worried about you.

Because you're important to me.

Because I love you.

Because it's for your own good.

When I hid inside those words.

I couldn't see through it.

💗 There were nights I saw a friend's marriage announcement.

It was on social media.

They were smiling.

It was a family photo.

I.

Thought, congratulations.

I truly meant it.

But.

A slight ache formed deep in my chest.

💬 For me.

I felt like I didn't have a relationship where I could feel at ease.

Even though I was in love.

I couldn't feel secure.

I was in pain even though I loved them.

I felt lonely even when we were together.

That was the state I was in.

🌙 At that moment.

I realized just a little bit.

I wasn't.

In love.

I was searching for security.

💗 But.

Security.

Is not born from being controlled by someone else.

Security.

Is not born from losing yourself.

Security.

Is not born from continuing to endure.

💬 Peace of mind is.

Something that grows little by little in a place where you feel it's okay to just be yourself.

It was something that grew little by little.

🌙 Therefore.

Kindness and control are different.

Kindness is.

What sets you free.

Control is.

What makes you feel small.

💗 Kindness is.

What deepens your breathing.

Control is.

What makes your breathing shallow.

Kindness is.

What increases your sense of security.

Control is.

What exploits your anxiety.

💬 Kindness is.

What allows you to remain yourself.

Control is.

I will erase you little by little.

🌙 The me from back then.

Did not know that.

That is why.

It was painful.

That is why.

I endured it.

That is why.

I blamed myself.

💗 But now I think.

I don't have to blame.

The me who couldn't realize it.

At that time.

I wanted to be loved.

I wanted to feel safe.

I wanted to be happy.

That was all it was.

💬 You don't have to deny.

Even those feelings.

You don't have to blame yourself for being deceived.

You don't have to blame yourself for being weak.

You don't have to blame yourself for having poor judgment.

🌙 Just.

From now on.

I want you to remember just one thing.

It hurts even though you love them.

You feel exhausted after meeting them.

You can't speak your true feelings.

You are always worrying about their mood.

You are free, yet you don't feel free.

At times like that.

Your heart might be trying to tell you something.

💗 Even if you love someone.

You don't have to lose yourself.

Even if you cherish someone.

You don't have to put yourself last.

Even if you are with someone.

You don't have to hand over your own life.

💬 A truly kind relationship.

Does not make you feel small.

I will not scare you.

I will not erase you.

🌙 What a truly kind relationship is like.

Feeling relieved on the way home.

Feeling at ease even after putting your phone away.

Not being afraid of nights alone.

Being able to breathe as your true self.

💗 The old me.

Did not know that.

But now I understand a little.

Before being loved.

What was important.

That was.

Not losing myself.

💬 Before being chosen by someone.

Not abandoning myself.

🌙 If tonight.

You are in a relationship that is painful even though you are in love.

You don't have to come up with a big answer.

Just.

I want you to listen to just one thing.

💗 Lately, I have been wondering.

Am I breathing properly?

The answer to that.

might be a hint to protect your heart.

🌙 A story about confusing kindness with control.

The things I finally realized.

That is.

Truly kind people.

Before loving me.

were people who did not take away my freedom.

And.

What is truly important.

more than being loved by someone.

is not losing yourself.

💗 Tonight.

put your phone down for a moment.

drink something warm.

take a deep breath.

and head toward where your heart feels at peace.

I just want you to come back for a little while.

That's all.

Just for today.

Maybe I'll be able to sleep.

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🌙 Mika Mikami
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Love.

Relationships.

Anxiety about the future.

“I wonder if it’s okay to stay like this”

To the women who have kept trying hard

while carrying those feelings. 🌙

You don’t need to rush.

You don’t need to push yourself.

Little by little.

While choosing a life where you can feel at ease,

you can just live as yourself. 💗

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🌙 Click here for X
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On days when you feel a little tired.

On days when you are worried about love.

A day when I felt anxious about the future.

I share words you can read on nights like that.

https://x.com/mika_yorunote

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