Nice to meet you. | The story of how I, who used to support patients, became a patient with depression and took a leave of absence.

I have spent 14 years working in a job that supports the lives of patients.

Standing up.
Walking.
Getting dressed.
Eating.
Returning to work or life at home.

As an occupational therapist, I have faced the "things that patients could no longer do" with many of them.

And yet, now, I am unable to rebuild my own life successfully.

An occupational therapist in my 15th year at the hospital.
In my 40s, single.

Currently, I am on leave due to depression.

I, who used to be on the side of supporting patients, have become a patient myself.

"Being able to do something" and "being well" were not the same thing.

Since taking leave, there are many things I can no longer do.

Just going to the convenience store to shop makes me tired.

When I drive a car, I feel unwell, and it becomes difficult to put strength into my hands and feet.

When I think about work, I get palpitations, and my mind becomes a mess.

There are days when even just opening my MacBook to do a little work leaves me with intense fatigue.

There are days when I have been able to go for a walk.
There are days when I have been able to write a note.

However, just because I was able to do something does not mean I have become well.

Even if I can move on that day, there are times when I end up bedridden a few hours later.
There are also times when the fatigue lingers until the next day.

When I was looking at patients as an occupational therapist, I thought I understood.

But it was only after I became a patient myself that I realized.

How much did they push themselves?
How tired were they after they finished?
How many hours did it take to return to their original state?

Unless you look that far, you cannot truly evaluate something as "done."

I am learning that fact with my own body right now.

I also had depression when I was 25.

This is not my first time having depression.

After graduating from university, I worked in the retail industry.

Work that lasted from early morning until late at night.
A workplace with a sports-club-like culture.
Power harassment, which was not as much of an issue back then as it is now.

As a result of continuing to work, I developed meningitis and was hospitalized.

At the company I moved to, I was also subjected to power harassment and became caught up in workplace interpersonal relationships and factional strife.

I became unable to sleep, unable to eat, and lost over 10kg in one month.

When I was 25, I was diagnosed with "depression" for the first time.

After that, I retrained to obtain a medical qualification and became an occupational therapist.

After getting a job at a hospital, I was blessed with good colleagues.

Even so, the burdens of family illness and death, my own hospitalization, household matters, community affairs, and work piled up.

In the workplace stress check, I was in a high-stress state almost every year.

Even so, I...

"I can still work."
"This much is fine."
"I have to do my best."

Thinking that way, I continued to work without stopping.

And then, I became unable to move again.

Trying to make myself a "patient"

Right now, I am an occupational therapist and also a person living with depression.

So, in this note, I decided to look at myself as a patient.

For example, taking a walk.

I won't just end it with 'I was able to walk 3,000 steps today'.

• Physical condition before walking

• Symptoms while walking

• Fatigue after walking

• Time until recovery

• Impact on the next day

I will record that much to think about the appropriate amount of activity for myself.

Shopping, cleaning, driving, computer work, going out.

I will evaluate, one by one, the daily life activities I used to be able to do naturally.

This is not a treatment method I am recommending to anyone else.

It is an ongoing experiment that an occupational therapist is conducting to regain his own life.

What I am writing in this note

In this note, I mainly write about the following things.

The reality of being on leave

Phone calls from work.
Social insurance premium bills.
Injury and sickness allowance.
Medical certificates.
Anxiety about returning to work.

I will record the reality of money and systems that I didn't know until I took a leave of absence.

Occupational therapy for myself

I will evaluate walking, shopping, driving, computer work, etc., from the perspective of an occupational therapist.

I will consider not just whether something was "achieved," but also the subsequent fatigue and the impact on daily life.

Rebuilding life from my 40s

Depression, weight gain, sleep, exercise, and human relationships.

How do I piece back together a life that has fallen apart?

I will write not only about successes, but also about failures and the days I couldn't move, just as they were.

Creative work and monetization during leave

Note, AI, illustrations, and animation production.

Can I turn my experiences and creative work into income while staying at home?

This, too, is not a polished success story; I will record it including the numbers and the failures.

This is not a textbook for recovery

Although I am a medical professional, what I am writing in this note is strictly the record of one individual patient.

Even with the same diagnosis, symptoms and living environments differ from person to person.

There is no single correct answer here that applies to everyone.

I cannot say, "Do this and you will be cured."

In fact, I don't even know what will happen to me from here on out.

Will I be able to return to work?
Will I be able to work like I used to?
Will I choose a different way of life?

Nothing has been decided yet.

That is precisely why I want to leave a record of this journey.

When an occupational therapist who has supported patients can no longer support themselves, what do they think, what do they try, and how do they reclaim their life?

Here, I will write about the reality of recovery that is not found in textbooks.

To those who are also standing still

I used to be able to work, drive, and go shopping as a matter of course.

Now, those ordinary things are difficult.

Honestly, there are days when I feel pathetic.

There are days when I feel impatient. There are days when I get scared that I might never be able to go back to how I was.

I have no intention of forcing myself to be positive.

I also don't think that "everything will work out if I just rest."

Even so, while confirming what I can do today, I am slowly rebuilding my life.

To those who are on leave just like me. To those who feel anxious about returning to work. To those who blame themselves for not being able to move as they used to.

I would be happy if this record reaches such people.

An occupational therapist in his 14th year of hospital work tries making himself a patient.

I don't know what will happen from here on out either.

So, I will write the continuation here.

If you would like to read the reality of recovery that isn't in textbooks, I would be happy if you could follow me and see how it goes🐤

For first-time readers

I have selected four articles that are central to this note.

Money and reality while on leave

I am writing about the day I suddenly received a bill for three months of social insurance premiums from my workplace.

An occupational therapist evaluates himself

I evaluate things like walks and shopping not just by whether I 'could or could not' do them, but also by including factors like fatigue and recovery time.

Until I developed depression

This is the story of how I, who worked as a medical professional, became a patient.

The reason why thinking about returning to work makes me feel distressed

I want to work. But when I think about returning to my former workplace, my body stops moving. I wrote about that contradiction.

Diet methods utilizing my knowledge as an occupational therapist

For those struggling with human relationships