How to invite your wife: The most common mistake and the right words to use
“I just need to change how I ask.”
Many men think this.
But there is something you should know before changing how you ask.
It is not a problem of how you ask, but a problem of word choice.
The way I kept asking for three years was entirely in “sexual context language.”
I realized later that this was my biggest mistake.
The words that make a wife feel “here we go again” and the words that make her feel “I want to talk” are completely different.
The most common mistake
“Hey, how about tonight?”
“How about it, it’s been a while?”
“We haven’t done it in a while, have we?”
These are typical mistakes.
The moment she hears these words, a switch flips in your wife's mind that says, 'Here we go again.'
The guilt of refusing clashes with the feeling of not being in the mood, and the result is, 'I'm tired.'
It's not that your wife is cold. It's a matter of words.
Why those words don't work
The phrase 'How about tonight?' is perceived as a sexual demand.
When perceived as a demand, your wife is forced to make a decision: 'to comply or to refuse.'
A wife who is used to refusing will do so reflexively.
When this is repeated, being invited itself becomes a source of stress.
The goal of changing your words is not to 'make the invitation succeed.'
It is to 'create a situation where there is no need to refuse.'
7 correct phrases
I will introduce phrases that have actually been effective when used.
What they all have in common is that they are "words that do not make demands."
"You look beautiful today."
Just say it at a random moment after dinner.
Don't ask for anything afterwards. End with just these words.
"We haven't really talked lately, have we?"
On a weekend night, after the kids are asleep.
Just create an opening for conversation. No demands.
"Is there anything you're tired from?"
On a day when your wife seems a little down.
Show concern before asking for anything. This order is important.
"Just being with you is enough."
When you have a desire to ask for something.
Communicate first that you aren't asking for anything.
"Can I hug you?"
Once the relationship has warmed up a little.
Ask for small permissions. Do not ask for kisses or sexual acts.
I feel like we haven't really felt like a married couple lately.
During a calm conversation.
Express only your own feelings without blaming her.
I want us to have some time together for the first time in a while.
When you feel that the relationship has recovered a little.
Use this expression instead of saying 'I want to have sex'.
What changes just by changing your words?
The first change is that the atmosphere after being rejected will change.
Previously, a heavy atmosphere of 'I've been rejected again' would remain.
When you change your words, the atmosphere of the night doesn't change even if you are rejected.
As that accumulates, your wife's wariness will gradually decrease.
It's not that something changes the day after you change your words.
After continuing for one or two months, the atmosphere of your relationship will change.
Continuing without rushing is the only shortcut.
In these five articles so far, I have discussed the reasons for a sexless marriage, inappropriate behaviors, the first step, patterns, and the words to use.
If you would like to know more, including 20 templates I have actually used and a 5-step method, click here.
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