To You Who Can't Stop Wanting to Be Liked by Everyone: You Don't Have to Throw Away Your Need for Approval

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Prologue—After I post, I find myself checking my phone over and over

I post a short message on Threads.

After that, I open my phone again and again. Did I get any likes? Did I get any comments? Have the insight numbers gone up?

Usually, they haven't. It's common to have days where the insights are like 10. There's almost no reaction. When days like that continue, my spirits wither.

Eventually, even before I post, a voice starts crossing my mind.

"No one is going to look at this anyway, even if I post it."

Thinking that, my fingers stop. I hesitate a little to press the post button.

It's the same with note. The Adler series I put effort into writing didn't get as many 'likes' as I thought it would. I feel, 'It could have gotten a few more.' I'm not depressed about it. But when the things I worked hard on don't take a visible form, it still bothers me. When I released a paid article, I checked the management screen many times, wondering, 'Has it sold?'

—This is, without a doubt, a need for approval.

I am an occupational therapist in my 16th year, an HSP and ISFJ working at a special nursing home. I have been present at the end of life for nearly 100 people. I have been practicing Adlerian psychology for 13 years, and I have continued to use it in the field, both at work and at home.

This Adler series has also been going on for quite a while. Teleology, separation of tasks, the purpose of anger... Today, following that flow, I want to write about the theme that the most people struggle with and that is the most misunderstood.

"The need for approval."

Adler is famous for denying the need for approval. He says, "The desire to be recognized by others leads to living someone else's life."

But, I will write the conclusion first. This is what I think.

You don't have to throw away your need for approval.

Even now, after 13 years of practice, I haven't been able to throw it away myself. A person who hasn't been able to throw it away has no right to tell others to "throw it away." Instead, there is just one thing that you can change. I will write about that today.

Chapter 1—Why did Adler deny the need for approval?

First, I want to accurately grasp Adler's argument.

In Adlerian psychology, the need for approval is denied with quite strong language. It even goes so far as to say, "Deny the need for approval."

The reason is simple.

When people live seeking approval from others, they end up living 'someone else's life'.

You do things to be praised. If you aren't praised, you don't do them. You act so as not to be scolded. You bend yourself so as not to be disliked.

When you make the evaluation of others the standard for your actions in this way, you hand over the steering wheel of your own life to someone else. 'What will that person think of me' becomes the deciding factor for all your choices.

This connects directly to the teleology and separation of tasks that I have written about many times in this series.

'Evaluation by others' is the task of others. What I can control is only acting with integrity myself. How to evaluate that action is the other person's domain.

Therefore, being happy or sad seeking evaluation means you are stepping into someone else's task and exhausting yourself—I think that is what Adler wanted to say.

As a theory, I understand it well. I also think it is correct.

But.

Here is my honest opinion, which I don't want to sugarcoat, after 13 years of practice.

Chapter 2—I haven't been able to discard it enough to tell you to 'discard it'

I will write honestly.

Even now, I have not been able to completely discard my need for approval.

As I mentioned at the beginning, I care about likes on Threads. I count the 'likes' on note. I check the sales of my paid articles over and over again. After 13 years of practicing Adlerian psychology and writing articles as arrogantly as this, I still haven't been able to discard it.

If that is the case, I have no right to tell anyone to 'discard your need for approval'.

For someone who hasn't been able to discard it to preach 'discard it' is just empty platitudes.

And, I have realized one more thing.

The need for approval is not a villain.

If you use it as fuel to increase your motivation, it is actually a plus.

For example, just the other day. I took my daughter to the pool. My daughter swam a 400-meter medley for the first time.

In that moment, I felt as happy as if it were my own achievement, and I praised her profusely. I said, "That's amazing," and "You did a great job swimming all the way."

Then, my daughter's motivation for swimming skyrocketed. She currently goes three times a week, but she started saying, "I want to increase it to four times" and "I want to work even harder." Since we already have six extracurricular activities a week, I'm not sure if we'll increase it, but she's so enthusiastic that we might reduce gymnastics and increase swimming starting next month.

This was the moment when approval ignited my daughter's motivation.

If one were to strictly follow Adler's teachings, saying "That's amazing" is considered an evaluation that creates a vertical relationship, and thus should be avoided. It is said that the true form of encouragement is to empathize by saying, "You must be able to tell that yourself."

But I wanted to share in my daughter's joy at that moment. And that approval became the strength that propelled her forward.

I wonder, what is wrong with this?

The need for approval can bind people, but it can also help them grow. The problem is not the desire itself, but "how you deal with it."

Chapter 3—The Source of My Need for Approval Was Not "Wanting to Be Liked"

Here, I would like to talk a little about the past.

Thirteen years ago, before I encountered Adler, my need for approval was a little different from what it is now.

In my case, it wasn't "I want to be liked by everyone."

It was "I don't want to be disliked by anyone."

These two things may seem similar, but they are completely different.

"Wanting to be liked" is a desire to pursue a positive. "Not wanting to be disliked" is a defense to avoid a negative.

At the time, I was trying to please everyone at work. I would erase myself and act in a way that wouldn't upset anyone or cause any waves.

Why? Because if I wasn't disliked, the risk of being talked about behind my back would decrease. If I wasn't talked about behind my back, I thought I could work with a peaceful mind. That's what I believed.

In other words, my need for approval was not a positive desire to be recognized, but something closer to fear—a desire not to be attacked.

This is truly exhausting.

If you want to be liked, you feel satisfied once you are liked. But "not wanting to be disliked" never ends. If you please one person, you start worrying about someone else. To avoid being disliked by everyone, you have to keep watching everyone's reactions forever.

It's like being forced to run a marathon that has no finish line.

For someone with an HSP temperament like me, this was pure exhaustion.

That feeling of hesitation on Threads right now, thinking 'no one is going to look at this anyway,' might have the same root. My nervous system automatically interprets 'no reaction' as 'being rejected.' This is not a weakness, but a specification of a brain with antennas that are too sharp.

Chapter 4: 'People don't care as much as you think they do'

Here, I want to write about my wife.

My wife says, 'I actually care quite a bit.' She thinks of herself as the type who worries about things like her clothes, her appearance, and how she is perceived by others.

But watching from the side, she doesn't actually care that much. At the very least, she doesn't let it hold back her actions.

It seems it all started with a single remark from my mother-in-law.

'People don't care about you as much as you think they do.'

It seems this phrase made things much easier for my wife.

This overlaps with a phenomenon in psychology called the 'spotlight effect.' People feel the spotlight shining on them is much brighter than it actually is. They become convinced that 'everyone is watching me.' But in reality, others aren't looking at them that much, nor do they remember.

If you think about it calmly, it's obvious.

Even I forget other people's clothes, other people's mistakes, and other people's posts by the next day. Everyone is busy with their own lives.

When I was terrified of being disliked, I couldn't realize this. I was convinced that a giant spotlight was shining only on me.

Days on Threads when I don't get any likes. Days when my insights are at 10. That is probably the same thing. I feel discouraged thinking 'no one is looking,' but in the first place, others aren't evaluating my posts that seriously. They see them, scroll past, and forget. That's all there is to it.

Thinking that way, I feel a little less tense.

Not being approved is not the same as being rejected. It's just that the other person is busy with their own affairs.

Chapter 5: The employee who 'gets fired up when relied upon' and how to use approval

The need for approval is not just a problem within yourself. It can also be a powerful tool when interacting with others.

There is an employee like this at my workplace.

They can't really take initiative on their own. But when I ask them to do something, they get incredibly motivated and work very hard at it. When they finish, they even come to report back to me properly.

To be honest, I also know that they secretly cut corners when no one is looking (laughs). But even with that, I think they are a good employee.

This is because when I say, 'Thank you, that was a big help,' I can tell that they are likely very happy deep down.

This employee is someone who can turn approval into energy.

That is why, for this person, I intentionally make an effort to provide careful guidance and increase the number of times I ask them for favors. That is the best way to maintain this person's motivation.

What I want to say here is not a scary story about how 'the need for approval can be used for manipulation if abused.'

It is the opposite.

It is that humans are creatures who move by using approval as energy.

My daughter, this employee, and I myself as well. By being recognized and needed by someone, the strength to move forward wells up.

I understand that when Adler said, 'Deny the need for approval,' he probably meant 'Do not be swayed by approval,' not 'Do not feel the joy of approval.'

It is nice to be approved of. That is a natural human emotion. There is no need to erase it.

The only problem is that if you rely solely on 'receiving that joy from others,' you will easily break on the days you don't receive it.

Chapter 6—Therefore, change the 'direction' you point it toward

Having written this far, my own answer has become clear.

You don't have to discard your need for approval.

However, it is good to change the 'direction' you point it toward just a little bit.

Until now, the arrow of the need for approval was pointing outward.

'How others evaluate me.' The number of likes, the number of hearts, sales figures, the look on a boss's face. Everything is outside of myself. They are all things I cannot control.

Therefore, there are days when you receive it and days when you don't. On the days you don't, your heart gets worn down.

Redirect this arrow inward.

Instead of 'how I was evaluated by others,' focus on 'whether I have the feeling that I was useful to someone.'

Adler called this "contribution to others." It is the core feeling of social interest.

To be specific, it means this.

Even if you only get 10 likes on Threads, if one of those 10 people feels, "These words saved me," then that is enough. Instead of focusing on the numbers, use the internal feeling that "I might have been useful to someone" as your source of energy.

Even if you get few likes on note, make the conviction in your own actions—that "I was able to write what I wanted to write sincerely today"—your axis.

Evaluation is the other person's task. You cannot control it. But the fact that "I tried to be useful to someone and acted sincerely" is something no one can take away from you. It is in your own hands.

Shift the arrow of your need for approval from "receiving" to "giving and being useful."

With just this, approval changes from something unstable held by others into something stable that you can verify within yourself.

You don't have to discard it. You just need to change its direction.

Chapter 7: You don't have to belong to just one place

There is one more important thing to do in order to get along well with your need for approval.

It is to have multiple places where you belong.

The need for approval becomes painful when you bet everything on the evaluation of "a single place."

If your workplace is everything, you feel your existence has zero value if you aren't recognized there. If note is everything, you feel your entire self is denied if you don't get likes.

However, if you have multiple places to belong, even if you are exhausted in one place, you can breathe in another.

I currently have several places where I belong.

First, my family. A place where I can share the joy of the moment my daughter finishes swimming a medley. A place where I can talk about trivial things with my wife before falling asleep.

My workplace. A place where I am needed by the people I serve and relied upon by my colleagues.

Tennis. A place with friends I've been moving my body with since junior high school.

And, note. For me, this is a place where I can feel "fun."

Here, I would like to mention one person's name.

I am a member of Nariko-san's community, where she hosts "Sales Writing in the Age of Community" on note.

Nariko-san reads my clumsy notes every time and gives them a 'like.' She also buys my Kindle books every time.

That alone truly saves me.

Even on days when I feel discouraged on Threads thinking, "No one is watching anyway," I can think, "No, there is someone who is reading it properly." The existence of that one person makes the drop in numbers feel lighter.

That is precisely why I want to cooperate with Nariko-san in any way I can. We are important companions who can sharpen each other's skills in what we want to do on note. Thank you so much, always.

The need for approval becomes painful when directed toward the "evaluation of an unspecified number of people."

However, when exchanged between "someone certain whose face you can see," it turns into something warm.

More than the total number of likes, one person saying, "I'm reading it."

More than the number of 'skis,' one person saying, "I was saved."

Having multiple affiliations and having "someone whose face you can see" within them. That is the best foundation for not being swallowed by the need for approval.

Chapter 8—My daughter comes to report

Finally, I would like to conclude with a story about my family.

My daughter has a personality similar to mine.

That's why she comes to report things she's done or things she wants to be praised for, one by one (laughs).

"Hey, I did this," "Look, look," she says, running over to report.

My 7-year-old daughter doesn't hide her need for approval at all. She wants to be acknowledged, she wants to be seen, she wants to be praised. She expresses those feelings straight out.

Watching that, I think.

The need for approval is a very natural, healthy part of being human.

When we become adults, we start to hide this. We think, "Wanting to be acknowledged is childish," or "Caring about likes is embarrassing." We hide it, pretend it doesn't exist, but it doesn't disappear, and we secretly check our smartphones over and over again.

If so, wouldn't it be better not to hide it?

Just as my daughter comes to me saying 'Look, look,' I should be able to offer my work saying, 'I worked hard on this.' If I get a like, I'm happy. If I don't, I'm still satisfied with myself for having written it. If it reaches even one person, that is enough.

When my daughter finished swimming her medley, I praised her from the bottom of my heart. That boosted her motivation. Approval truly helps people grow.

I do not want to deny that kind of approval.

You don't have to discard your need for approval.

However, change the direction of the arrow from 'how I am seen by others' to 'whether I have been useful to someone.' And, have multiple communities, and within them, have 'someone whose face you can see.'

With just that, the need for approval will change from a chain that causes you suffering into fuel that moves you forward.

Today, I will probably post something on Threads and check my phone a few times, I think.

But even if I only get 10 likes, I won't feel as discouraged as I used to.

Because there is someone whose face I can see who is actually reading it.

Where is your need for approval pointing?

If you can redirect that arrow just a little bit inward—today might feel a little lighter.

Profile

Occupational Therapist in my 16th year | Working in special nursing homes/unit care | Former Dementia Care Instructor | HSP/ISFJ | Playing tennis since junior high | Orix fan | Father of a 7-year-old daughter | 13 years of practicing Adlerian psychology | Lost weight from 106kg to 77kg | After experiencing depression and social anxiety, I continue to share insights based on my field experience, having learned to live without medication.

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#AdlerianPsychology #NeedForApproval #CommunityFeeling #TheCourageToBeDisliked #OccupationalTherapist #HSP #WayOfLife #Essay

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