Three Patterns of Sexless Marriages and How to Deal with Them
"Why is it not working even though I'm using the same approach?"
The reason for this is often that you don't understand your own pattern.
Even when it comes to sexless marriages, the causes differ from couple to couple.
If the causes are different, the countermeasures to take will also change.
No matter how much you continue with the wrong pattern's countermeasures, the relationship will not move forward.
In fact, it may even get worse.
Knowing which pattern you fall into is the first turning point.
Today, I will talk about three patterns of sexless marriages and their respective countermeasures.
Pattern 1: Refusal has become a habit
This is the most common and most troublesome pattern.
A state where refusing has become "normal."
Often, the wife herself cannot explain well why she wants to refuse.
Being invited has become a source of stress in itself, and she is refusing as a conditioned reflex.
For this pattern, changing how you invite her will not work.
Start by creating a 'no-invitation period'.
Stop inviting her completely for two to four weeks.
During that time, focus only on physical affection and conversation.
Only after her guard has come down should you move on to the next step.
Pattern 2: The daily relationship is broken
This is a pattern where conversation has decreased, there is no gratitude, and you have become 'roommates' rather than a 'married couple'.
The characteristic of this pattern is that the sexual relationship is not the only problem.
The entire daily relationship has gone cold.
Before changing how you invite her, you need to rebuild your daily relationship.
One conversation a day, and specific words of gratitude.
Continue these two things for at least one month.
If you rush back to sexual approaches, you will end up back where you started.
Pattern 3: The wife's frustrations have piled up
This is a pattern where the cause lies in issues outside of the sexual relationship, such as the division of housework and childcare, or a lack of communication.
The most troublesome aspect of this pattern is that in many cases, the wife does not directly say she has any complaints.
It manifests as a vague feeling of not being in the mood.
For this pattern, ask this on a calm day.
Is there anything you're unhappy about lately? Regarding me?
When you get an answer, just listen without making excuses.
Even if you want to argue back, do not do so in that moment.
There is no improvement in the sexual relationship without resolving these frustrations.
Three questions to identify your pattern
Q1. When did the sexless period begin?
Triggered by childbirth or child-rearing → Pattern 1 or 2
Decreased naturally without a specific trigger → Pattern 1
After a specific trouble or argument → Pattern 3
Q2. How is your daily conversation with your wife?
Almost none or only about necessary things → Pattern 2
We talk normally → Pattern 1 or 3
Q3. Are there times or situations when your wife is in a bad mood?
Her reaction changes when discussing housework or child-rearing → Pattern 3
There is no specific situation, but there is distance overall → Pattern 1 or 2
There are many cases where multiple patterns overlap.
In such cases, start by addressing the pattern that fits best.
In the next article, I will discuss the most common mistakes when inviting your wife and the words that were actually effective.
Once you have addressed the pattern, the next step is about "words."
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Click here if you want to know the words I actually used and the five steps I took during three years of being rejected.