I Slowly Fell Apart | All I Wanted Was to Be Loved, But I Lost Myself | Growing Up with Toxic Parents: My Journey to Finding a 'Peaceful Love' #6

Have you ever
felt this way?

Even so—
I find myself thinking, “I just need to try harder.”

If any of this rings true for you...

This story is surely yours.

This is a record of how I slowly lost myself
within a relationship I thought was ideal.

1. He was the “perfect person”

He (S) was, on the surface, a very charming person.

• A gentle tone of voice

• Refined looks

• The way he carried himself as a club leader

He had good grades and got along with everyone.
Everyone around us agreed that he was an “amazing person.”

That is why I
was convinced from the start.

And so—
I felt strongly that “to be loved, I must make an effort.”

2. Back when trying hard to be loved was the norm

I accommodated him in every way.

He was someone who didn't want his daily rhythm disrupted,
so I tried to keep contact from my end to a minimum.

Even so,
I tried to think, “I’m happy just to see him.”

I was the one who planned all of our dates.

I would look for restaurants,
make reservations,
and think through the flow of the day...

To ensure it wouldn't be a burden on him since he wasn't working a part-time job,
I would give him extra money in advance.

And then
I would ask him to handle the payment.

—all to save his face.

3. Little by little, bit by bit, being whittled away...

Whenever we were alone,
he would often say things like this.

—as if that were an obvious fact.

Every time I heard those words,
I would think, 'Ah, I guess that's true.'

And feeling ashamed,
I could only apologize with a nervous, sheepish smile.

4. The deepening belief that 'I am the one at fault'

There was a time when I said,
"I want to see you more."

It was just a tiny bit of selfishness.

But in that moment,
his expression shifted instantly, and he said quietly:

With that one sentence, I understood immediately.

"I was wrong."

The 'me' who wants to see him is bad,
and the 'me' who makes demands is immature.

That is how I started turning all the blame toward myself.

5. Even So, I Believed I Was 'Happy'

Before long, we began a physical relationship, and
our dates became even more monotonous.

He would never reach out to me.

I was the one who suggested every date.

Even so, I...

“He’s popular and busy,”
“I’m just not trying hard enough,”

I convinced myself of these things and continued to serve him without saying a word.

6. A Small, Sudden 'Sense of Unease'

Even then, I always thought,
“I have a boyfriend, so I’m happy.”

—But,
every time I saw couples laughing happily in the street,
a sudden restlessness would stir deep in my chest...

Those feelings, little by little,
began to pile up inside my heart.

7. Days of Constantly Blaming Myself

But every time those feelings surfaced,
I would immediately blame myself.

“I have such a wonderful boyfriend,”
“I’m just not satisfied, so I really am no good.”

At those times, the thing that always came to mind
was that phrase of his.

That phrase was repeated over and over...

Before I knew it, I
had started to believe his words more than my own feelings.

In truth, all I wanted was for someone to cherish me...

I even came to believe that that wish was
a mistake.

8. I slowly fall apart

As I spent my days like that,
my heart slowly began to lose its balance.

I don't really know why.
But—

• I feel vaguely distressed

• I can't smile properly

• I get anxious over the smallest things

• My heart never feels fulfilled

Even so, I
told myself, 'I'm just not trying hard enough.'

9. Next Chapter Preview | Even so, I couldn't let go of this relationship

No matter how painful it was,
no matter how much I was hurt...

That feeling alone never faded away.

And after this,
my heart would break even more deeply.

In the next chapter,
I intend to write about the events where everything fell apart.

<Notice of Serial Series>

Until I, raised by toxic parents, found a 'peaceful relationship'
~A record of escaping from emotional abuse and love addiction~

In this series, while looking back on my past...

I plan to write about this.

If you are interested in the continuation,
I would be happy if you could follow me🌱

Torori

P.S.

Perhaps...

• You find yourself adjusting too much to your partner

• You lose track of your own feelings

• You think, "It's my fault"

You may have experienced these feelings somewhere, too.

—Even if that is the case, it is never your fault.
Please do not blame yourself too much.

Please do not be too hard on yourself.

My introduction article is here↓

. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁

Introduction of accounts I recommend

📌softly.beyond 〜Softly... Beyond〜

They are a noter who grew up in a dysfunctional family and writes records of their self-regeneration✨️
Their delicate psychological descriptions are beautiful, and despite the dark themes, they have a charm that draws people in. Their works are full of the struggles unique to those raised by toxic parents, and they serve as a catalyst for adult children to reflect on themselves🔽

Also, they use a sub-account to share their daily life and introduce followers. Their warm writing is charming, so please take a look✨️

Thank you for adding to your magazine

I will randomly introduce three people from those who have recently added my articles to their magazines.

📌sakita

This is a noter whose overwhelming analytical skills catch the eye.✨️
Although she comes from a dysfunctional family, she often explains 'poison' from a perspective different from others, and I am overwhelmed by her worldview every time I read her work. This article is especially recommended. It is truly interesting.＾＾🔽

📌Compass Miki-san

This is a noter who writes about learning and realizations that serve as a guide for others.✨️
I am healed by her soft and warm worldview. The following article is recommended as it was also selected by Ken Honda.🔽

📌SANACO | Nurse and Self-Care Coach who balances mind and body

This is a noter who writes about her real-life experience of recovering from self-denial.✨
As she is a nurse, she writes not only about the mind but also about the body, and her work is full of information useful for daily life.🔽

📌Others who have added me (please excuse the use of abbreviations)

Thank you all for introducing me.🙇‍♀️✨️
I am sincerely grateful for your support.🌱

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