Are you really leaving 100% of parental care to your daughter-in-law?

Who should take care of the parents?
Is the daughter-in-law the key person in caring for in-laws?

Is caregiving the daughter-in-law's job?
Whose parent is that person, anyway?

A story about a generation gap that doesn't exist in my way of thinking.

Welcome home, Grandma!

A grandmother nearing 100. After a certain illness stabilized, she returned to the facility.
Her vitality is incredible.
She was discharged safely, and everyone applauded and said, 'Welcome back!'
The entrance was filled with warm feelings.

A while later, I went to Grandma's room to check her overall condition.
Her son and his wife were there too.

Here, it's more of a 'daughter-in-law couple' than a 'son and his wife'.
At first glance, I thought the grandmother's daughter had brought her husband
to visit. The son's presence is very faint. It even looks like he's intentionally keeping it faint.

I ask Grandma if she has any pain or discomfort.
All the while, it's the daughter-in-law who stays close to Grandma.

I ask the daughter-in-law about how things were during the hospitalization.
Whether she was eating, whether she was able to sit in a wheelchair, and so on.
She answers properly.
I can tell she must have visited often.

Meanwhile, the son stands against the wall of the room, smiling occasionally.
He nods occasionally.
He was blending into the background as much as the wallpaper.

What is the position of a daughter-in-law?

She is your own mother, right?

Even though it's his own mother, it's clear at first glance that he leaves the caregiving
entirely to his wife.

Is he forcing it on her?

No, but the daughter-in-law's feelings don't seem superficial, as conveyed by
the nuances of her words.

Maybe this is normal for this generation.
Or is it just this family?
I've always found it strange, but because it's more efficient, I only talk
to the daughter-in-law.

Honestly, I thought to myself,
'Wouldn't it be better if just the daughter-in-law came?'

I'm cold-hearted, aren't I? I'm aware of it.
Because I am also in the same 'position of a daughter-in-law'.

If my husband were to leave the care of his parents to me,
I would say, 'You do it yourself.'

Secret inquiry

After the two of them left, I said to Grandma in secret,
'Your daughter-in-law understands you so well,
she's like a real daughter to you.'

Grandma replies with her usual smile.
'That's right. She really does so much for me. It's a big help.'

I wonder if she has been interacting with her daughter-in-law with these feelings even when she was healthy.
If so, the daughter-in-law might also feel like she wants to take care of this mother-in-law.

This grandmother doesn't complain or grumble.
In the end, she always says 'Thank you'.
People like this are common in the generation that lived through the war.
They are quiet, but have a very strong core.

The caregiver and the one being cared for.
Actually, I think the accumulation of their relationship up to that point
shows clearly in the person providing the care.

Refusal of care, family members who don't visit, family members who leave after a few minutes every time...
That's probably what it's about.

I'm a daughter-in-law myself, you know.

...I'd like to wrap it up nicely like that, but as someone who has a mother-in-law, I have my own thoughts.

I don't feel like 'taking the initiative to care for her' at all.
I think my husband should do it, or his siblings should.
After all, they are his parents. I have my own parents, too.
I'll be looking after my own parents.

She's a good mother-in-law, though.
I'm not a fan of the atmosphere that suggests 'it's only natural for the daughter-in-law to work hard.'

Don't let anyone say, 'I'm a man, so I can't do caregiving.'
In the world of caregiving, there are many male staff members.
We don't divide work by gender.

On the way home, I touched upon her true feelings.

Wool items can shrink if sent to the facility's contracted laundry service.
That day, I asked the daughter-in-law to wash them at home.

Then the daughter-in-law said,
'It's a sweater that won't be needed anyway. If it comes back shrunk, please just throw it away. The contractor is fine.'

(Huh? Is that so? That's cold...) I thought, but then I realized,
perhaps it's precisely because the end is near and there's a time limit that one can be so devoted,
and I was strangely convinced.

But, at the very least, I don't want the 'burden on the daughter-in-law' to be taken for granted.
Right, son?

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