Why do I want to connect with people even though it drains me? #86
Even though connecting with people drains me,
why do I want to connect with them?
This is a question
I have always held for myself.
I am not good at interacting with others,
I am not good at starting conversations myself,
and I cannot come up with clever responses.
On such days, when I get home, a self-reflection session begins,
and I feel so exhausted that I cannot get anything done.
Then, should I just live alone?
I have thought about that too.
But that is the one thing I absolutely did not want.
Then why, even though it is so draining,
do I want to connect with people?
Thinking about it, I realized
that I have always had a desire to "connect with people" in the first place.
Because I want to connect,
I want to do it well.
Reading the other person's expressions,
thinking about their feelings,
and choosing my words.
I am draining myself by being too attentive in that way.
It is not that I want to connect despite being drained, but rather,
it is because my desire to connect is so strong
that I end up drained.
Then,
why do I want to connect with people so much?
Thinking about it, I realized that
I think I just really like people.
When my interactions with people do not go well,
I feel deeply depressed.
A casual, stinging remark
can sometimes pierce my heart deeply.
But at the same time,
when I encounter someone's kindness,
or notice a sudden act of thoughtfulness,
I feel truly warm inside.
I can think that the world is not such a bad place after all,
or feel that I am living in such a kind world.
Just that alone makes the world look a little brighter.
Even though connecting with people drains me,
the fact that I want to connect
might seem contradictory at first glance.
But that is surely something that arises precisely because I like people
and hold them dear.
So, if you ever feel drained,
instead of thinking, "I am no good for letting things get to me like this,"
I wish I could think,
that I am someone who can cherish others enough to notice even the smallest things,
and I want to keep thinking that way.
If I could live while holding such a heart of my own
close to me.
Perhaps the world will continue to look kind
and bright.
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