[Vol.38] I sent it. But it hasn't even been read. — When you can't stop the cycle of regret over being 'left on unread' [Reading Love Psychology through Gestures]

I sent it without thinking...

I didn't get a reply, I couldn't wait, I felt miserable, and I sent another one saying, "Are you okay?"

But.

It hasn't been read...

"............"

Not even a single character came back.

"Why did I send that?"
"Did they think I was being clingy?"
"Is it already over?"
"No, but... maybe something happened to them."
"But still, I wish I hadn't sent it."
"They must have seen it on their notification screen."

These voices won't stop in my head. They just keep spinning around.

"Left on unread" is scarier than "left on read" — Here is why

Being left on read means "they saw it but didn't reply."
Being left on unread means "they haven't even opened it (or they opened it without marking it as read)."

Why does being left on unread sting so much more?

The reason lies in the uncertainty of "not being able to confirm."

In psychology, there is a concept called "Intolerance of Uncertainty."
Humans sometimes feel stronger stress from "a state where they don't know what will happen" than from having a bad outcome confirmed.

Being left on read is a fact that they "saw it." At the very least, it was delivered.
Being left on unread is "Did they see it? Was it delivered? Did I annoy them? Or did something happen?"
—I don't know anything.

The brain hates "not knowing" the most.
That is why being left on unread won't leave your mind.

"I wish I hadn't sent it" — Dissecting the loop of regret

The regret after sending a second message has a structure like this.

1. Fear of "being thought of as clingy"
This is mixed with the shame of "having exposed my own desires."

2. Anticipatory anxiety that "a reply might never come"
Even though nothing is certain yet, you preemptively imagine the worst possible outcome.

3. Anger at yourself for "why you sent it"
You keep blaming your past choices, thinking "I should have held back" or "I should have waited."

It's painful because these three things are looping at the same time.

But—there is something I want you to stop and think about for a moment.

The reason you sent that second message is simply because you care that much about that person.

The words 'Are you okay?' are not a sign of weakness.
They are an expression of your honest feelings: 'I'm worried about you' and 'I still want to be connected.'

Why do we 'end up sending' messages?—The relationship between attachment style and behavior

Takashi Okada states the following in 'Attachment Disorder'.

'People with an anxious attachment style tend to increase their approach behavior toward the other person as the relationship becomes more unstable.'

This is not about being 'clingy,' but rather an attachment mechanism where 'when anxiety rises, one tries to gain security through approach.'

People who approached their parents to gain security when they were anxious as children,
are prone to triggering the 'anxiety → approach' pattern even as adults.

You got anxious because you were left on unread → you sent a second message.
This behavior is neither 'weakness' nor 'clinginess,' but rather
an automatic reaction to anxiety.

There is nothing wrong with you.
Your anxiety just came out honestly.

'But, the fact is I sent it'—Escaping the sunk cost of regret

The fact that you 'sent it' cannot be changed now.

In behavioral economics, there is a concept called the 'sunk cost effect.'
It is a state where you become unable to make rational decisions because you are fixated on costs (time, money, emotions) that have already been spent.

Holding onto the 'regret of having sent it' forever,
is like constantly calculating these sunk costs over and over in your head.

But—lamenting past costs will not bring anything back to you now.

'I sent it' is a fact that cannot be moved.
The only thing you can move is 'what you do from now on.'

Dan Ariely writes the following in 'Predictably Irrational'.

People are too caught up in their past choices. But what you should really be asking is, what will you choose from now on?

Use regret as a 'signal for learning.'
If you can turn it into the realization that 'maybe I can wait a little longer next time,' that is enough.

'It hasn't even been read' — What you can do now, and what you must not do

I'll be honest.

Please wait before sending a third message right now.

Sending more while you're still on 'unread'
only accelerates the situation where the other person finds it hard to reply.
When people feel 'I have to apologize, but I'm scared,'
they tend to pull away even further.

What you can do now:

• Close the LINE chat screen

• Turn off notifications

• Focus your attention on something else

• Make the choice to 'wait for now'

What you must not do:

• Send a third message (especially anything like 'Why aren't you replying?')

• Check the other person's activity on social media

• Try to fish for information through mutual friends

If the other person is truly interested in you,
the best strategy is to 'wait quietly' until a reply comes.

'What should I do?' — 3 steps to manage your anxiety

Step 1: Give your emotions a name

'I'm scared,' 'I regret it,' 'I'm sad because I feel like they already hate me'
— Verbalize your current emotions using the most specific words possible.

Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of NVC (Nonviolent Communication), says that
verbalizing emotions is the starting point for self-understanding.

Behind the emotion of 'fear' lies the need to 'connect.'
Looking honestly at your own needs will calm your next actions.

Step 2: Properly consider the 'worst-case scenario' once

'If I really don't get a reply—will my life continue after that?'

The answer is, yes, it will.
Even if your relationship with that person ends, your life will not.
Being able to imagine the worst makes the contours of your anxiety clearer and a little easier to bear.

Step 3: Make the active choice to 'wait'

Instead of just waiting, be conscious that 'I have chosen to wait quietly for now.'
Your mind will be calmer if you view 'waiting' as an active choice rather than passive waiting.

What lies behind 'I don't want to be seen as pushy'

The fear of 'not wanting to be seen as pushy' is,
in reality, the flip side of a deeper fear of 'not wanting to be hated' or 'not wanting to be abandoned.'

Yayoi Watanabe points this out in 'The True Nature of Emotion'.

'At the root of anxiety, in many cases, lies the question: "Might I not be accepted?"'

The regret over having sent a second message
is because the fear that 'I might not be accepted again' is being triggered.

That fear is not directed only at this person,
but may be the 'fear of being abandoned' that has always been inside you surfacing.

Conclusion—4F Story

Back when I lost everything at 42,
I was trying to confirm my own existence by getting replies from someone.

'Getting a reply = I am still needed'
'Not getting a reply = I have no value'

I had been thinking that unconsciously.

I understand the feeling of sending a second message.
I also understand the feeling of not being able to wait.

But now, I think.

More than whether a reply comes,
“how you face yourself while waiting for a reply” was far more importantthan that.

The fact that you sent a second message is not a weakness.
You wanted a reply. You wanted to connect.
That feeling is real.

For now, you should just wait quietly.
During that time, you don't need to blame yourself.

Books introduced in this article

📘 Attachment Disorder (Takashi Okada)

📘 Predictably Irrational (Dan Ariely)

📘 Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (Marshall B. Rosenberg)
Hardcover / Kindle

Hardcover👇

Kindle👇

📘 The True Nature of Emotions: Managing Feelings with Developmental Psychology (Yayoi Watanabe)

Series "Reading Love Psychology Through Gestures" Back Issues

• Vol. 1 Five things his gestures teach you that are important in love

• Vol. 2 How to detect signs of a breakup early

• Vol. 3 "I'm silent because I like you" — Reading unspoken emotions through gestures

• Vol. 4 "Look only at me" — When jealousy and possessiveness appear in gestures

• Vol.5 'I kind of felt it' — Signs of love revealed by atmosphere, premonitions, and intuition

• Vol.6 How to deal with jealousy — The psychology of honestly facing your most troublesome emotions

• Vol.7 Love improves 'work performance' — The scientific reason why love boosts vitality, purpose, and career advancement

• Vol.8 It says 'Read'. But there's no reply.

• Vol.9 A woman's 'something feels off' is usually right — The surprising connection between intuition and brain science

• Vol.10 I remembered them again — The real reason you can't get someone you can't forget out of your head

• Vol.11 Is that smile real? — Facial psychology for distinguishing 'fake smiles' from 'true feelings'

• Vol.12 The more you like someone, the more anxious you get — The deep connection between self-esteem and love

• Vol.13 When you're too close, it's suffocating — When 'distance' destroys love, and when it saves it

• Vol.14 Why do people cheat even when they are in love? — Decoding the psychological structure of infidelity and affairs

• Vol.15 Why does it feel like 'the fortune-telling came true'? — The psychology of intuition, premonitions, and the subconscious

• Vol.16 'Is this the right person?' — The psychology of deciding to get married

• Vol.17 When your body is in balance, your love life changes — The psychology of diet, sleep, exercise, and self-esteem

• Vol.18 Why are we drawn to those who like the same things? — The psychology of common ground and shared values in love

• Vol.19 'I never thought loving someone would be this difficult' — Love in your 30s and the psychology of mature love

• Vol.20 The psychology of love regarding misunderstandings and 'forgiveness'

• Vol.21 Why 'financial anxiety' keeps love at a distance

• Vol.22 Why men cannot say they are 'weak'

• Vol.23 When you can read emotions, your love life changes — EQ (Emotional Intelligence) and the psychology of love

• Vol.24 Why do I keep falling for the same type of person? — The psychology of relationship patterns and self-sabotage

• Vol.25 Why can't I take the first step even though I want to start marriage hunting? — The true nature of psychological biases that hinder action

• Vol.26 Why do we have the worst fights with the people we love? — Signs of relationship breakdown taught by the 'Four Horsemen Model'

• Vol.27 Why does their warmth come back to me when I try to forget? — The psychology of love regarding loss and memory

• Vol.28 I have a new boyfriend, but I still think about the last one. Is this a sin?

• Vol.29 I see my current boyfriend's gestures and remember my ex. Is there something wrong with me?

• Vol.30 I started dating him to forget my ex, but our values don't match at all. Will time solve this pain?

• Vol.31 I found out about the cheating — The shock of betrayal and the psychology of love to protect yourself

• Vol.32 'I'll pretend I didn't see it' — That choice is what hurts you the most.

• Vol.33 I looked again — On nights spent waiting for a reply, what is your heart afraid of?

• Vol.34 I can't talk properly only in front of him — Why do the words disappear when it's someone you like?

• Vol.35 Every time I see a couple in town, I feel envious. Is this feeling strange?

• Vol.36 I know it will hurt, but I look anyway. The psychology of an ex's social media and an 'unresolved heart'

• Vol.37 I'm afraid of being left on read. It's a sign that your 'fear of rejection' is speaking honestly to you

• Vol.38 I sent it. But it hasn't even been read. — When you can't stop the cycle of 'unread' and regret (This article)