[Vol.36] Knowing it will hurt, yet looking again. The psychology of an ex's social media and the 'unresolved heart' [Reading love psychology through gestures]

I opened it again.

I didn't intend to open it.
I had sworn I would never look again.
But my fingers were searching for the app on their own.

His account.
The smile of a woman I don't know.
Heart emojis. Photos from a trip.
A happy-looking story of the two of them.

The moment I closed the screen, I couldn't breathe.

"I am the worst for doing this."

Thinking that, I open it again.
Knowing it will hurt, I look again.

This is not weakness.
This is proof that a heart that hasn't ended is still alive.

Why do we 'end up looking'?—The 'unresolved attraction' created by the brain

In psychology, there is a concept called the Zeigarnik effect.

The human brain is strongly drawn to 'things that are incomplete.'
Things left unfinished are easier to remember than things that have been completed.

Breakups, in many cases, end while remaining 'unresolved.'

• Words that couldn't be said

• Apologies that weren't received

• The 'why we broke up' that remains unknown

That sense of being unresolved keeps sending a command to the brain to 'find the continuation.'
That is why I open social media.
Even knowing it will hurt, the brain seeks an 'answer.'

This is not a lack of willpower.
It is the very mechanism of the brain.

What you feel when seeing photos of his new girlfriend is not 'jealousy'

You might think, 'I am jealous.'
But that is not all there is to it.

The true nature of the pain felt when seeing the new girlfriend's smile is,
not just jealousy, but—

a feeling of having been 'replaced.'

Everyone instinctively fears the feeling that their existence has 'disappeared'.
The time spent with you appears on his social media as if it never existed.
What those photos convey is not just that 'he has a new girlfriend,' but
a message that 'you are no longer there.'

That pain is valid.
The feeling of being replaced is a natural human reaction.

Psychologist Yuki Takeda states the following in her book, 'The Illustrated Book of the Highly Sensitive Person'.

'Highly sensitive people tend to feel the emotions and situations of others as their own. This is not a flaw, but a rich capacity for empathy.'

You are hurt because you have rich emotions.
You don't have to pretend to be insensitive.

'I can't stop looking'—this is not an addiction, but a form of grief.

To you, who blames yourself by asking, 'Why can't I stop?'

There is a term called 'digital grief'.

In the modern age where social media is developed, the daily life of an ex-partner continues to flow in as visual information even after a breakup.
In the past, once you broke up, they became physically 'invisible'.
But now, if you open your smartphone, 'his present' is updated immediately.

This is a state of repeatedly reopening the wound before the sadness can heal.

Hideki Wada points this out in 'The Art of Organizing Feelings Without Getting Emotional'.

'Emotional wounds will not heal as long as the stimulation continues. First, cutting off the stimulation is the first step toward recovery.'

The fact that you keep looking is proof that you are in the middle of grief.
It is neither an addiction nor a weakness.
It just means you are still in the process of dealing with the 'ending'.

Why do you repeat it while hurting yourself?

'I know. It's just painful to look.'
'But I can't stop.'

This repetition is discussed in psychology as a kind of self-harming pattern.

Mama Hori (Nami Horikawa) asks this in her book, 'Living While Hurting Yourself, Just How Much of a Masochist Are You?'

"Why do you return to that place even though you know it will hurt?"
"It might be a habit of self-punishment, or perhaps a state where you can only feel your existence through suffering."

This is neither laziness nor self-indulgence.
It is a pattern unconsciously repeated by those who have lived for a long time with 'being hurt' as the norm.

To you, who suffers while looking at your ex's social media, yet still looks.
Perhaps you need to gradually regain the sense of 'cherishing yourself'.

Should you block? Is muting enough?

There is a consultation I often receive.
"Should I block my ex? Or should I stay following them and endure not looking?"

I will be honest.

If you find yourself looking, blocking or muting is the best option.

The phrase 'you're an adult, so you should be able to exercise that much self-control' is
a mental theory that ignores how the brain works.

Willpower has its limits.
Changing your environment is the fastest way to change your behavior.

Blocking is not 'rejecting him'.
It is 'a choice to prioritize your own recovery'.

And that is—
not a weakness, but the strength to protect yourself.

'Not looking' is not the only answer—3 ways to let your emotions flow

Even if you block, your emotions will not disappear.
Even if they become invisible, they will be replayed in your mind.

That is precisely why you need to practice 'letting' your emotions flow.

1. Put your emotions into words

"Sad," "frustrated," "I feel like I've been replaced," "I thought I had no value"
—You can write it on paper. A memo app is fine too.
Research has shown that simply putting emotions into words suppresses the activity of the brain's amygdala.

2. Bring your consciousness back to the 'here and now'

When your heart flies to the past (your ex) or the future (what will happen from now on),
use your five senses to return to the 'now'.
The scent of coffee, the scenery visible from the window, the sensation of the soles of your feet.
Just doing that will calm the whirlpool of emotions a little.

3. Acknowledge that 'the pain is real'

Don't think, 'I'm pathetic for getting hurt by something like this.'
The more you deny the pain, the more the emotion goes underground and runs wild.
First, tell yourself, 'I am hurt. That is real.'

I don't mean to say, 'Become insensitive.'

Junichi Watanabe wrote this in 'The Power of Insensitivity'.

'People who are easily hurt are people with rich sensitivity. The goal is not to become insensitive. It is important to cultivate the strength not to drag the hurt along.'

I don't want you to become insensitive.
The power to feel is your asset.

However—
I want you to use that sensitivity not to hurt yourself, but
to love yourself.

Conclusion—4F Story

I once had my company go bankrupt at age 42.

Zero assets. My relationships were also broken.
I would go back through past social media alone in the middle of the night,
looking at it and thinking, 'I was doing well back then.'

I felt miserable as I was, and
there was a time when I could only confirm my existence by repeatedly looking at memories of the past.

I cannot think of your feelings of looking at your ex's social media
as someone else's problem.

You look at the past because you are anxious about the present.
Because you are lonely now.
Because you cannot be confident in who you are now.

That is not weakness.
It means your heart is still 'seeking something'.

You are not finished yet.
That also means you can still start.

Books introduced in this article

📘 Illustrated Book for 'Sensitive People' (Yuki Takeda)

Hardcover 👇

Kindle version👇

📘 Techniques for Organizing Your Feelings to Avoid Becoming Emotional (Hideki Wada)
Kindle version👇

Audible version👇

📘 Why are you living while hurting yourself, are you a masochist? (Mama Hori)
Kindle version👇

Audible version👇

📘 The Power of Insensitivity (Junichi Watanabe)
Kindle version👇

Audible version👇

Series 'Reading Love Psychology Through Gestures' Back Issues

• Vol. 1 Five things his gestures teach you that are important in love

• Vol. 2 How to detect signs of a breakup early

• Vol. 3 'I'm silent because I love you'—Reading unspoken emotions through gestures

• Vol. 4 'Look only at me'—When jealousy and possessiveness appear in gestures

• Vol. 5 'I sort of felt it'—Love signs taught by atmosphere, premonition, and sense of smell

• Vol. 6 How to deal with jealousy—Psychology for honestly facing the most troublesome emotion

• Vol. 7 Love improves 'work performance'—The scientific reason why love is effective for vitality, purpose in life, and promotion

• Vol. 8 It's marked as 'read.' But, no reply comes.

• Vol.9 A woman's 'something feels off' is correct—The surprising relationship between intuition and brain science

• Vol.10 I remembered again—The real reason you can't get someone you can't forget out of your head

• Vol.11 Is that smile real?—Facial psychology for distinguishing 'fake smiles' from 'true feelings'

• Vol.12 The more you like someone, the more anxious you become—The deep relationship between self-esteem and love

• Vol.13 When you're too close, it's suffocating—When 'distance' destroys love, and when it saves it

• Vol.14 Why do people cheat even when they are in love?—Decoding the psychological structure of infidelity and affairs

• Vol.15 Why does it happen that 'the fortune-telling was right'—The psychology of intuition, premonition, and the subconscious

• Vol.16 'Is this the right person?'—The psychology of deciding to marry

• Vol.17 When your body is in balance, your love life changes—The psychology of diet, sleep, exercise, and self-esteem

• Vol.18 Why are we attracted to people who like the same things—The love psychology of commonalities and shared values

• Vol.19 'I never thought loving someone would be this difficult'—Love from your 30s and the psychology of mature love

• Vol.20 The love psychology of misunderstandings and 'forgiveness'

• Vol. 21 'Financial anxiety' is keeping love at a distance

• Vol. 22 Why men cannot say they are 'weak'

• Vol. 23 When you can read emotions, love changes—EQ (Emotional Intelligence) and the psychology of love

• Vol. 24 Why do I fall for the same type of person again?—The psychology of relationship patterns and self-sabotage

• Vol. 25 Why do I want to start marriage hunting but can't take the step?—The true nature of psychological biases that hinder action

• Vol. 26 Why do I have the worst fights with the person I love?—Signs of relationship collapse taught by the 'Four Horsemen Model'

• Vol. 27 Why does their warmth come back to me when I try to forget?—The psychology of love regarding loss and memory

• Vol. 28 I have a new boyfriend, but I still think about the previous one. Is this a sin?

• Vol. 29 I see my current boyfriend's gestures and remember my ex. Is there something wrong with me?

• Vol. 30 I started dating someone to forget my ex, but our values don't match at all. Will time solve this pain?

• Vol. 31 I found out about the cheating—The shock of betrayal and the psychology of love to protect yourself

• Vol. 32 'Let's pretend I didn't see it'—That choice is what hurts you the most.

• Vol.33 I looked again—on nights spent waiting for a reply, what is your heart afraid of?

• Vol.34 I can't speak well only in front of him—why do words fail you the most with the person you like?

• Vol.35 Every time I see a couple in town, I feel envious. Is this feeling strange?

• Vol.36 Knowing it will hurt, you look again. The psychology of an ex's social media and the 'unresolved heart' (This article)