A story of how a 40-something's note, struggling with the thought that 'I'm not young anymore, but it's still too early to give up,' spanned across the seasons

Hello everyone, this is Ponzu.

In 5 days, I will reach my 100th consecutive day of posting on note.

Looking back, I started in early February. It was a time when you still couldn't go outside without a coat. Back then, my mind was filled with a mix of, 'I'm not young anymore. But it's still too early to give up.'

This is a story of how my 96th-day self spoke a little condescendingly to my 0th-day self.

The phrase 'it's too late' always follows challenges in your 40s

In my 20s, whatever I started, I could get away with it by saying, 'I'm still young.' Whether I changed jobs, failed a certification exam, or stumbled in a side hustle, there was an atmosphere around me that said, 'You can still start over.'

But... it's different in your 40s. When you try to challenge yourself with something new, you are the first one to deny it. You think, 'Wait, isn't it too late?' So, before anyone else can say it, you put the brakes on yourself.

In my case, I've changed jobs six times, have been a 'know-how collector' for over 10 years, did a PowerPoint side hustle, started posting on X... I've repeated 'this time for sure' over and over. Each time, a part of my heart carried the thought, 'Maybe this won't work either.'

This is quietly exhausting. You're taking on a challenge, but you don't fully believe in yourself. But I think everyone who starts something in their 40s probably carries this feeling.

In the freezing cold, I started note while holding onto both 'this time for sure' and 'maybe this won't work either'

On the night of February 7th, I wrote a note with Kuro. Honestly, I wasn't thinking about posting every day. It was just a feeling of, 'Let's try writing one for now.' In fact, I didn't write anything for a few days after that.

What changed was February 10th. It was when I spoke at an AI seminar. I just talked about what I usually do, but the people who listened were happier than I imagined. They told me, 'I want you to share more of that.'

...Wait, maybe my 'obvious' isn't 'obvious' to someone else.

If I hadn't spoken at that seminar I wasn't even keen on that day, I probably wouldn't be writing now, and I'd be doing a different side hustle (lol).

From that day on, my daily posts began. However, to be honest here, it's not like I made a firm resolution to 'Okay, I'll write every day.' The thoughts 'Maybe this time it will last' and 'No, it'll stop again anyway' were living together the whole time.

By the time the cherry blossoms began to bud, 'What if I can't write?' had turned into 'What should I write?'

Day 30. Even though 'it's tough' used to come first, 'I want to write' started coming first.

Day 50. While soaking in the bathtub, I realized I was trying to pull daily events into my own perspective. 'I have to write' had changed to 'How should I write this?'

Looking back, I think the content of my anxiety had swapped.

In February, it was 'Can I keep this up?' By the time the cherry blossoms were out, it had become 'What should I write today?' It's not that the anxiety disappeared. It's just that the direction of the anxiety changed. From the anxiety of 'whether I can start' to the anxiety of 'what will happen from here on.'

Honestly, I hadn't realized it myself. You usually only notice that the seasons have changed after the fact.

Realizing it was the season of fresh green leaves meant I didn't have any resolve

There was a change in my side hustle. As a result of continuing to write on note, I received requests for PR projects from companies. To me, someone who had spent 10 years buying know-how and failing at it... On a holiday in late April, I laid it all out, hiding nothing about my days as a know-how collector. And then, it got quite a response.

On X, I started being called a 'habit demon.' ...No, I'm the person who was a 'know-how collector' until half a year ago. I have to laugh at myself.

But looking back, what I think is that I didn't have any grand resolve to get this far.

It's not like I was psyching myself up every morning saying, 'Alright, I'm going to write today too.' The thought 'Maybe this time will be a failure too' was always there. But I didn't put a lid on the 'I want to try' feeling. I wasn't aiming for 100,000 yen a month with my note side hustle, nor did I want to earn 1 million yen a month and quit my job; I was just writing my note for the day. I kept repeating that, and before I knew it, the seasons had changed.

The note I started in February while wearing a coat is still continuing amidst the fresh green leaves. I want to tell my past self: 'You didn't need any resolve.'

Summary of 'I'm not young anymore, but it's still too early to give up'

96 days ago, I was struggling.

'I'm not young anymore. But it's still too early to give up.' With those two thoughts swirling around, I started writing on note in the freezing cold.

Now, 96 days later, honestly, the 'Maybe this time will be a failure too...' hasn't disappeared. I don't think it will disappear even when I reach day 100 or day 200.

But, maybe 'But hey, I made it this far' will be attached to it...

In 5 more days, it will be my 100th day of daily posting. If I were to say something slightly 'from above' to my past self...

'You didn't need any resolve. I just wrote for the day, and I made it this far.'

Well then, I'll be going ahead.

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