For those who know 'what they dislike' but don't know 'what they want'

I can come up with plenty of complaints about my current job. The pay is low, there's too much overtime, and I don't really get along with the boss in the department I was transferred to. But when I'm asked what kind of work I actually want to do, I can't answer at all... I've become lost.

A, in their early 30s, said this during counseling. When asked about their desired conditions, all they could come up with were conditions based on avoiding things they dislike, such as 'a place with little overtime' or 'a place with good interpersonal relationships.'

When asked, 'What kind of work do you want to do to grow?' or 'What do you want to achieve?', they get stuck for words.

Even though there is dissatisfaction, they cannot see what they are looking for.

If you start job hunting in this state, every company will eventually seem to lack a deciding factor. And before you know it, you end up making choices that are 'somehow better' and become what is often called a career drifter these days.

'Avoidance' and 'Pursuit' are completely different

In career counseling, a way of thinking biased toward this 'avoidance type' is often seen in clients in their late 20s to early 30s.

What they dislike is clear.
But they don't know what they want.

Although they seem similar, these two are essentially different. Choosing to avoid things you dislike is a process of elimination. Choosing what you want is an active intention.

To put it very bluntly, a job chosen by the former is just a better environment. A job chosen by the latter is a life you have chosen for yourself.

So, why is it that so many people can express their dissatisfaction but cannot express their needs?

3 reasons why you don't know 'what you want'

1. You have thought it was 'selfish'

In Japan, both at school and in the workplace, 'doing your best in the environment you are given' has been considered a virtue.

Rather than being asked 'what do you want to do?', you are asked 'how will you make an effort where you are now?'. As a result, the sense of noticing dissatisfaction grows, but you become an adult without developing the muscle to verbalize your own desires.

Because there is a sense of guilt somewhere in wanting something, that acts as a brake.

2. You end up looking for the 'correct answer'

At school, there was always a 'correct answer.' That's why people tend to think there is a correct answer for their career as well.

Instead of 'what do I want to do?', you end up looking for 'what should I do?' or 'what is correct?'. However, there is no correct answer to the question of 'what do you want to do?'. As long as you keep looking for a correct answer, you will never find it. As a result, the stagnation of 'not knowing' continues.

3. Simply put, you haven't tried it yet

And above all, not knowing what you want might simply be because you "haven't tried it yet".

Just as you cannot know if you like a dish you have never eaten, you cannot judge the pros and cons of a way of working you have never experienced based on imagination alone.

Not knowing is not because you lack ability, but perhaps just because you don't have enough ingredients yet.

4 steps to start from "I don't know"

1. Translate your dissatisfaction

"I have too much overtime"
→ What kind of time do you actually want to value?

"I don't get along with my boss"
→ What kind of relationship would feel comfortable?

There is always a need behind dissatisfaction. By not ending it as a complaint and re-asking, "What do I actually want?", the outline of your needs will begin to emerge.

2. Take stock of your values

Get a pen and paper, and try facing these questions.

• What were the moments in your life so far when you felt fulfilled?

• When were you happy to be praised?

• What have you done that made you lose track of time?

If you recall "what you have valued" before "what you want to do," the outline will begin to appear.

3. Repeat small experiments

You don't have to change jobs suddenly. Try side jobs, internal transfers, volunteering, or participating in study groups.

Small experiments allow you to increase your decision-making material while keeping risks low.

If you think, "Maybe I'm interested in marketing," first try helping with social media management. If you are "interested in human resource development," try taking on a mentor role for a junior colleague.

Only by actually doing it can you get the physical sense of "it's more fun than I thought" or "it's not for me after all."

4. Accept "I don't know"

And most importantly, you must allow yourself to be in a state of "not knowing right now." When you rush to find an answer, you tend to easily jump toward obvious metrics like "annual income" or "stability."

However, self-understanding is not something that is completed in one go. You experience, reflect, and try again. That very process of experiential learning is what shapes your career.

From avoidance to pursuit

There is no perfect workplace. An environment with zero dissatisfaction probably doesn't exist either. But if you can see "what you are pursuing," you can tolerate a certain amount of dissatisfaction. Because you have something you are aiming for, difficulties become just a passing point.

It is not shameful to "not know what you want." It is something you will discover from here on out. What kind of wish is actually hidden behind the things you want to avoid?

🌿 Thank you for reading until the end. If you found this post helpful, please support me by following or clicking 'like'; it encourages me for the next one! I also share daily insights and career tips on Instagram👇️

@emi_leadership_coach