The Power of Words: The Day I Stopped Trying Not to Be Disliked
I used to be someone who
was afraid of being disliked by others.
At work,
and in my friendships.
Be as pleasant as possible.
Be as kind as possible.
Prioritize others as much as possible.
That was something
I was always thinking about.
On a weekend night,
I sat on the sofa and opened my planner.
My schedule for next week
was packed full.
Lunch.
Favors asked of me.
Gatherings I should show my face at.
Even though my planner was full,
for some reason, my heart felt empty.
At that moment,
I suddenly thought,
"Out of all these plans,
how many do I
actually want to go to?"I wondered.
If someone asked me for a favor,
I would accept even if I was actually busy.
Even for gatherings I didn't want to attend,
I felt guilty about saying no,
so I would participate.
Even when I had my own opinion,
I would read the room and swallow it.
I thought that going along with others
was a sign of
adult kindness.
But looking back,
it wasn't so much that I valued others,
but rather,
I was just trying hard
not to be disliked.
Perhaps that is all it was.
If I refuse, they might dislike me.
If I state my opinion, they might dislike me.
If I don't meet their expectations, they might dislike me.
That is why I
kept going along with others.
But strangely enough,
the harder I tried,
the day when I could feel at ease
never came.
If I am careful about one thing,
I start worrying about the next person.
I didn't say no, yet I'm anxious.
I went along with it, yet I'm anxious.
Even though I am trying
not to be disliked,
my heart is never at peace.
It was as if
I was playing
an endless game of tag.
Thinking about it now,
it's like a TV remote.
If I listen to everyone's wishes in the family,
in the end, no channel
gets decided (lol).
It's quite impossible.
Then, one day,
I gathered my courage
and said no.
To a request that I
actually thought was difficult,
"I can't do it this time. I'm sorry."
I told them.
Honestly,
I couldn't settle down for a few days.
Maybe they hate me now.
Maybe they were disappointed.
I kept thinking about things like that.
But,
nothing happened.
The other person was normal.
In fact,
"Understood."
they accepted it easily.
I was let down.
And I thought,
many of the things
I had been fearing all along,
might have been
imagination rather than reality.
But,
deep in my heart
There was something that remained.
It wasn't that I was
afraid of being disliked,
but perhaps I was afraid of
accepting the version of myself that was disliked.
I felt that if someone disliked me,
my own value
would disappear.
That is why I was
desperately trying to be liked.
Looking back,
I had always been
watching the expressions of those around me.
But,
the expression of my own heart,
I may not have been watching
at all.
Even though I tried to
meet the expectations of others,
my own feelings were put on the back burner.
I tried to cherish others,
but I was harsh on myself.
It is only natural that
that would become painful.
Of course,
prioritizing yourself
does not mean
that you don't have to value others.
When I have to say no,
I try to convey it
as politely as possible.
I try to convey it
"It's difficult this time."
"I'm sorry."
"Thank you for asking me."
Just by adding a word like that,
the way it is received
changes significantly.
I used to think
that saying no
was rude.
But now,
I don't believe that pushing yourself to take on tasks
is the only form of kindness.
Be honest when you cannot do something.
That might be
more sincere to both
the other person and yourself.
Of course,
I still don't like being disliked.
If possible, I want to be liked.
That is what I think.
But recently,
I have come to
think about things like this.
Rather than being liked by everyone,
it is more important not to dislike yourself.
Because if you keep forcing yourself to conform,
before your relationship with others,
your relationship with yourself
will become painful.
So that I am not disliked
When I was living that way,
in exchange for not being disliked by anyone,
I couldn't even meet my own feelings.
But now I think,
it's okay not to be liked by everyone.
Instead,
I want to be my own ally, at the very least.
And,
without forgetting courtesy and
consideration for others,
I want to cherish my own feelings as well.
What made my relationships easier was
not the effort to be liked,
but thatsmall resolution.
♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡
Thank you for reading today as well.
I would be very happy if you could leave a comment with your thoughts 🌸
♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡
♡What kind of person is Nonoka? 🌸
♡Please check out this article too 🌸