[Parenting Essay] #32 To Us, Back Then, When We Were Desperate

I often find myself looking back at photos and

videos of my children when I least expect it.

Sometimes it's on the train to or from work.

Or during those fleeting moments of solitude at night,

after everyone in the family has fallen asleep.

I open my smartphone album,

intending to look for just a moment,

but it's not rare for more time to pass than I realized.

It's strange,

but even though it hasn't been half a year since some events,

there are moments when they feel like they happened a long time ago.

On the other hand,

even though some events happened years ago,

there are scenes I can recall as if they were yesterday.

The day my eldest daughter was finally able to ride a bike without training wheels.

When my second daughter was still using words

that weren't quite words yet, trying so hard to tell us something.

The casual interactions at the park or on trips we took as a family.

What remains in photos and videos

are usually happy times or funny moments.

Someone is laughing.

Someone is goofing around.

You can see the children growing up.

Just looking back at that "past"

makes my heart feel a little warm.

"We had moments like that, didn't we?"

I mean,

While interjecting such small moments of wonder again and again,

before I knew it, my heart had softened.

But,

as I watch for a while, I remember other things too.

Things about the time that didn't remain in photos or videos.

Between the fun events and the funny events,

the time that surely must have existed.

For example,

a period when a cold gradually spread to everyone,

triggered by someone in the family falling ill.

Even though it should have been just one person at first,

before I knew it, everyone was coughing.

Waking up many times in the middle of the night.

But work, housework, and childcare wouldn't wait for us.

None of us had any breathing room.

There were days when that state continued for a long time.

And, just at those times,

triggered by something trivial,

I would end up clashing with my wife.

We just didn't have any room to spare.

I was at my limit, and she was at her limit too.

I know that in my head.

Even so,

I would say things I shouldn't have said,

or fail to be kind.

It is the same with our children.

Things I would normally be able to laugh off,

because I had no room to spare,

I would end up interacting with them in a rough way.

Just remembering it,

makes my chest ache a little.

Events I would rather forget if I could.

Even things like that,

there were many in our family's past.

However, they are not in the photos.

They are not in the videos either.

But still,

including those times as well,

We are a “family,” aren't we.

Not just the days we were laughing,

but also the days when we had no room to spare and couldn't get things right.

Not just the days we were able to be kind,

but also the days when we were so exhausted we didn't know what to do.

Having gone through all of that,

we are the “family” we are today.

That is why, as I look back at the photos, what I feel

is not just, “That was fun.”

It's also things like, “That was really tough back then,”

or, “Even so, we’ve come a long way, haven't we.”

The “until now” of our marriage.

The “until now” of our children.

The “until now” of our family.

Looking back, all of it

is connected to who we are now.

It wasn't all successes.

There are many things I wish I could do over.

Even so,

when I look back like this,

the feeling of “affection” is ultimately greater.

I love you, I think.

To my children, too.

To my wife, too.

And,

to our desperate selves back then.

From here on out,

I'm sure it won't always be fun.

There will be days when we lose our composure again,

and days when we clash.

Even so,

while each of us cherishes ourselves,

and,

while we cherish each other,

I hope that we can,

spend our time 'from here on' together.

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