Self-Introduction | A note where I gradually put my inner self into words

There are times when I don't know my own true feelings.

Even though I was able to talk normally at the time,
there are times when I feel completely exhausted after I get home.
When I try to put it into words,
for some reason, I feel a lump in my throat,
and sometimes I feel like I'm going to cry.

But now, more than before,
there are many days when I can observe those emotions and reactions from a little distance.

In this note,
I observe my heart, thoughts, and physical sensations,
and put them into my own words.
(Though I don't have much of a vocabulary... haha)

I don't know my true feelings.
I realize later that I'm exhausted.
I react too sensitively to the atmosphere and get tired.
I struggle with the sense of distance from others.

I hope that by gradually organizing
those inner sensations that are hard to explain,
I can learn to see things
in ways other than blaming myself.

I couldn't notice the delayed reactions for a long time

For a long time,
I didn't know what was bothering me,I often just
let things slide.

• Thinking I was 'fine' at the time, but feeling completely exhausted when I was alone

• Wanting to decline, but swallowing it because I thought too much about how to say it

• Remembering today's events and having a self-reflection meeting alone

For a long time,
I couldn't properly notice these
'delayed reactions' within myself.

But thinking about it now,
it might just be that the emotions I couldn't process within myself
were appearing in my body and feelings a little late.

I also write about what I perceive with my five senses in this note.

What I write in this note is not just about
times when I don't know my true feelings or
times when I feel drained later on.

The air of the seasons, the silence of the night,
how my heart moved when I saw a view,
what I received from people's expressions and the atmosphere,
I also write about these things received through my five senses
as clues to understanding my inner self.

I feel that in the past, I prioritized tidying things up too much.

When I started writing this note, I had a strong feeling of
wanting to bring out what is inside me
wanting to organize my heart and thoughts by expressing them
.

But as I continued, the desire to
make it readable,
tidy it up nicely,
and write something that conveys my message
also became stronger.

That in itself wasn't bad, but
before I knew it,
I feel there were times when I drifted
a little away from the content and warmth I really wanted to write about.

Now,
rather than writing polished sentences,
I want to preserve my actual feelings and words
at as close to their original temperature as possible.

Rather than a neat conclusion, I want to preserve the temperature of ongoing observation.

In this note,
I cannot always state a clear answer.

It might be something like this
I think it's probably something like this
because I often write while observing.

There are articles I want to organize like a floor plan,
and there are days when I write about feelings
that haven't quite turned into words yet.

Lately, more than writing well,
I want to value the results of my observations.

I gave my inner self a name

I call my feelings and inner reactions
little me.

I gave it a name
so that I wouldn't ignore it.

Even when my body reacted, I would often
brush it off by thinking, 'Maybe I'm overthinking it.' I would try to push forward on sheer willpower alone, even when my feelings hadn't caught up.

Because that happened so often,
to avoid treating myself poorly,
I started giving it a name and keeping an eye on it.

Perhaps because having a name creates attachment and makes it harder to treat it carelessly,
I've become able to stop and observe myself
a little better than before.

Finally

This note is a place for me to bring my inner world out, observe it,
and organize it as a record, but

for those who read it, I hope it serves as...

• a catalyst to delve deeper into your own senses

• a way to make it easier to explain your own senses

• Becoming able to notice the voice (true feelings) from within

• Becoming able to notice myself working hard
  

I would be happy if this could become such a place...
I secretly, and perhaps presumptuously, think so.🙇🏻‍♀️

If you have time, please take a look at these too.📖

👇🏻When you find it a bit difficult to put your true feelings into words

👇🏻When you are fine in the moment, but your feelings catch up with you later

👇🏻When you struggle with personal boundaries or find yourself constantly reflecting on things alone

👇🏻When you can be kind to others but tend to be hard on yourself

👇🏻When the words just won't come out