Survival Strategy for Sensitive People #3

Why simply 'noticing' the loop of self-denial makes your heart feel a little lighter

Hello, I'm Noah.
Through the perspective of Adlerian psychology, I will share what I learned through trial and error to help you learn how to handle your emotions and live life on your own terms.

If you,
at the end of the day,
'I blamed myself again,'
if you are left with that lingering feeling, please stay with this text for a little while.

I always feel like the problem is 'within myself'

After interacting with people, for some reason, my chest feels heavy.
Just because the other person's expression clouded over,
'Maybe I said something wrong,'
'Maybe I wasn't considerate enough.'

That is how I reflexively look for the cause within myself.

Even though I intend to be considerate of those around me,
before I know it, I am the only one who is exhausted.

If you have any idea what that feeling is like,
it is not because you are weak.

I, too, could not escape from that for a long time

I myself was in a loop of self-denial for a long time.

Within my family relationships,
I prioritized my parents' wishes and my younger brother's recovery,
and I kept a lid on my own emotions.

'It's my fault for not being able to meet people's expectations,'
'I have to become stronger.'

By convincing myself of that,
I think I was maintaining the balance of the situation and keeping myself together.

But before I knew it,
that way of thinking was no longer protecting me,
it had turned into something that tormented me.

What was necessary before 'stopping' self-denial

In the article for #2,
I talked about how excessive self-blame
might have been necessary to adapt to the environment and survive.

So, the next thing to do is
not to force yourself to stop self-denial,
nor to rethink things positively.

The next step is very simple.

To notice.

'Oh, I'm blaming myself right now,'
just notice that.

You don't need to label things as good or bad.
You don't need to try to fix them.

Step out, just for a moment,
from the state of being consumed by your thoughts.

To put it in self-help terms,
"returning to the present"
"returning to the self that is here, now"

It is about gradually getting used to that sensation.

Using technical terms,
this "ability to notice" is calledmetacognition.

Metacognition might sound a bit difficult,
but what I want to say here is very simple.

It is
a perspective that allows you to notice when you are "too deeply immersed in your own emotions and thoughts.".

For example,
the moment self-blaming thoughts begin,
instead of continuing to think,
"I'm no good," "I failed again,"

it is a state where you can take a step back and see,
"Oh, I'm currently entering a thought process of blaming myself."

What is important at this time
is not to stop or correct those thoughts.

Simply,
do not identify yourself with your thoughts.

Metacognition can also be called
a perspective for returning to "the self where thoughts are occurring"
rather than "the self equals thoughts."

※ I plan to write about my own understanding of "metacognition"
in another article.

"Fixed situations" where self-blaming thoughts easily occur

Self-blaming thoughts may seem to happen on a whim,
but they are often repeated in the same patterns.

For example, do you have any idea about situations like these?

・After talking to someone, you keep replaying the conversation on the way home
・You feel anxious just because the other person's expression or reply was a bit curt
・After you accepted something you couldn't refuse, even though you felt it was impossible
・At night, once you are alone, you suddenly start reflecting on the day's events

In those moments, these kinds of words easily come to mind in your head.

"Maybe I said it the wrong way"
"I think I wasn't being considerate enough"
"I should have been able to do it better"

In my case, these were the situations where self-blaming thoughts were particularly strong.

・When you are talking to family and the other person's expression clouds over slightly
・Right after you say "I'm fine" with a smile at work, even though you really want to refuse
・At the end of the day, when you are alone while taking a shower

At these times, it is not that any major failure has occurred.

It is just that
after interacting with people,
after being considerate,
or the moment you return to being alone,
you have started blaming yourself as if a switch were automatically flipped.

What is important here is
not to stop or correct those thoughts.

It is whether or not you can
realize,"Oh, I've entered this pattern again."

Just by knowing in advance that
"I am prone to self-blaming thoughts in this situation,"
the time you spend completely swallowed by those thoughts will definitely become shorter.

Noticing is not the first step toward changing.
It is a "signal" to step just one step outside the whirlpool of thoughts.

Change can be slow

To be honest,
even if you notice it once,
it might be difficult for long-standing habits
to change immediately.

But, as you repeat this,
the "time it takes to notice" will gradually become shorter.

(The "time it takes to recover" will also gradually become faster.)

Once you notice,
please try focusing on your breathing.

"I am breathing in now"
"I am breathing out now"

Just by doing that,
you can distance yourself a little more from the whirlpool of thoughts.

A very small practice you can do today

When you have time,
please try writing down the "situations where you are prone to self-blaming thoughts"
—a bulleted list is fine.

And when you encounter that situation,
remember, "Oh, this is it."

Even if you end up blaming yourself,
you don't have to blame yourself for that.

Just notice,
"I am having self-blaming thoughts right now."

That will become the signal
to step one step outside
the loop that was running automatically.

Summary: Try gently turning your attention toward your past self

Having read this far,
you might still feel a lingering sense of unease somewhere in your heart.

But today, there is one perspective
I want you to take away with you.

That is,
to notice that "I am currently blaming myself."

You don't have to try to stop self-criticism.
You don't have to force yourself to be positive.

Just,
"Oh, I'm blaming myself like this right now"
create a moment where you can pause and acknowledge that.

Taking that perspective with you
is a step that is a little different from before.

You don't have to change immediately.
It's okay to forget many times.

Every time you remember to "notice,"
you are moving forward, little by little.

Today,
just the fact that you could receive that perspective,
please gently keep it in your heart.

For those who have read this far,
I am sure you feel the importance of "noticing."

However, the wall that many people hit here is,

👉 "I've become able to notice, but I don't know how to act."

that wall.

Actually, I myself was stuck here for quite a long time.

To break out of that state, what I organized was,
not just "understanding and finishing" with emotions,
👉 concrete steps to connect them to action.

In the paid article,

・Why emotions stop action (structure)
・The "true purpose" that those emotions hold
・Steps to be able to move even while holding onto fear

are summarized in a workshop format.

If you want to change from "understanding" to "using,"
please read it when the timing is right for you.

👉Emotions are not the enemy | 5 steps to take a step forward even when afraid

👉 In this series, I will be writing little by little about "how to handle emotions to live by your own standards."

If this note can be a small tailwind that helps you reclaim your true self, I would be truly happy.
Let's grow slowly together🍀
If you'd like, please connect with me by liking or following☺️

#4 ――Until I, who couldn't let go of self-denial, regained the "power to choose again"

#2

Self-introduction article

Related article "Focus on breathing and return to the present"

If you feel like "I want to share my experience with someone"

Thank you for reading this far.

If through this article,
"If I could put my experience into words in a way that is useful to someone else"
If such a feeling has sprouted, even just a little.

For me personally,
writing has become a "means to reclaim my own life."

In the same way,
・How should I frame my own experiences?
・What should I write to make it reach someone?
There is a place where you can learn that way of thinking.

As a first step,
I'll leave this free report here.
(*Includes affiliate links)

Please take a look when you feel it is necessary.

Five-Star Writing Technique Introductory Report (Free Report) (↑Click)

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#Metacognition
#SelfAcceptance #Teleology #SeparationOfTasks #TrustInOthers #ContributionToOthers
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