The story of how my son, whom I thought was a “troubled child,” turned into a “fun child”—how a father who feared his son’s tantrums learned to truly play with him

There was a period when I started going out with Ma-san more often.
It was just when I started doing the housework.

It was also around the time his tantrums
had started to settle down a little.

Since I had Wednesdays off,
I would pick him up and drop him off at school.

When we got home,
Ma-san and Iwould finish his homework right away.

And then,
we would go out to play together.

Universal Studios.
The pool.Bowling.Throwing stones in the river.Going to buy imagawayaki.Going to see the ferry.Walking around the neighborhood.Going to the shrine.

Season by season,
we really went to all sorts of places.

And.

Now,the feeling that comes to mind most when I look back.

“I was having a blast.”

That was it.

Of course,there were times he would suddenly shout.There were days he was in a bad mood.There were times he would get angry as usual.

But.

Including all of that,I was able to properly enjoymy time with Ma-san.

This,
for me, was a really big deal.

The old me.

When I went out with Ma-san,I was always tense somewhere inside.

There was a period when I started going out with Ma-san more often.

“What if he gets angry?”
“Don't shout...”
“I hope he doesn't have a meltdown...”

Things like that,
“parent mode”
was always on.

Of course,
it wasn't that I didn't have love for him.

But,
somewhere inside.

“To give Ma-san a change of pace”
“Because my wife is tired”
“To get him used to being outside”

Things like that.

Selfish motives,
convenient for me, were mixed in.

So,
rather than enjoying it purely.

“Dealing with him”

felt closer to the truth.
But.

Little by little,
Ma-san's “ability to bounce back” grew stronger.

But,
it wasn't like this from the beginning.

The old me.

Only thought about
“not letting him have a tantrum.”

If he fell apart once, it was over.
That was the feeling.

(→ “Don't get angry!!” was wrong —
The story of the “ability to bounce back” taught to me by my autistic son)

Even if he gets angry,
even if he falls apart.

“Ah well,
he can manage to bounce back, right?”

That's what
I've started to be able to think.

That,
was huge.

Of course,
he still throws tantrums like normal.

“No,
that's not okay...”

days like that,
still happen all the time.

But.
Unlike before,

the feeling that“once he breaks down, it’s all over”

has lessened a little.
And then.
Surprisingly,

I myself became able to play.
The pool,

was exactly like that.

We used to go as a family.

But,
when it came to just the two of us,

honestly,
I was a bit anxious.

But,
it was different back then.
Normally,
I was enjoying myself.

No,
maybe even more than normal.

Even though I look like a middle-aged man.
Inside,
I was completely a teenager.

Ignoring Ma-san,
I was diving.

Listen to the sound of bubbles underwater.
The 'glug-glug' sound.

Diving in without thinking about what comes next.

I was staring blankly at the shimmering light on the water's surface,
looking up from below.

While watching that view.

When I was a child,
I remembered the scenery I saw at the river in Shimane.

That sparkle.

“Ah...
I used to love this.”

I thought.

Ma-san was nearby too,
splashing around and diving.

Making rice balls to eat on the way.
Buying cup noodles and ginger ale
at the convenience store.
Putting on a swimsuit,
wearing a T-shirt over it.
Filling a thermos with ice-cold tea.

Even as I write this now, I think.

That’s a lot of preparation.

But.
Even that preparation
was fun.

In the past,
honestly, that was a part I would have found a bit troublesome.

But back then,
I was the one looking forward to it more.

“Where are we going today?”

That’s what I heard from me.
I heard it from myself.

Just,
Ma-san.

“Where do you want to go?”

Even when I asked that,
of course, he wouldn't answer.

So.
Rather than “places I want to go”
or anything like that.

“Where should I go with Ma-san?”

That’s what I was thinking.
Honestly,
I felt like a middle or high school student.

It was the same when we went to throw stones in the river.

Suddenly,
I remembered my childhood.

The two of us rode our bikes,
and went to the riverbed.

We just threw stones.
Throwing them far.
Throwing them in a row.

Throwing super heavy stones,
making a splash.
Skipping stones.

Honestly,
that was it.

But,
it was incredibly fun.

It felt like I was digging up memories of my childhood,
with my whole body.

The ferry was also completely,
my own hobby.

“Shall we go see the ferry today?”

“Let’s go!
Come on, it’ll be fun!”

Saying things like that.
Completely,
it was just me wanting to see it.

And.

He was getting excited all by himself.

“Wow!
That’s huge!”

“Let’s go on a ferry trip again!”

“Man,
that was so much fun back then!”

“Oh…
but Ma-san, you were super angry at YouTube back then!
Hahahaha!”

Like that,
he was getting all worked up on his own.

Also.

Around that time,
I was taking a ton of photos.

Using the 'slightly flattering selfie method'
that Ma-san’s older sister taught me.

Everywhere we went,
I was taking two-shots like crazy.

Looking at them now,
there are a lot of really silly photos.

But.

Somehow,
I wanted to keep them all.

Now,
Ma-san has become a middle schooler.

He doesn’t come home early,
like he used to.

So,
we can’t really go out and play,
like we did back then.

……Writing this,

I feel incredibly lonely.

Perhaps,
that time.

For me,
I think it was truly special.

And,

why,
was I able to enjoy it so much?
When I think about that.

After all,
I think it's because I became able to believe in
Ma-san's 'ability to bounce back.'

Even if he has a tantrum,
well, it will somehow work out.

More than before,
he can come back sooner.

Just by being able to think that way.

Inside me,
the proportion of 'guardian'
decreased.

No,
it's still there, of course!

I still get nervous, just like anyone else.

'Please, I beg you, don't go wild today...'

There are days when I think that.

The 'feeling of living together'having increased,

I feel that was also a big factor.

Since the 'thank yous'
increased.

Little by little,
the atmosphere began to change.

(→ The story of how my autistic son's tantrums decreased when the 'thank yous' increased)

But.
Thinking about it later.
More than in the past.

“A troubled child”

compared to the ratio of how I see him.

“A kind of funny kid”

the ratio of how I feel that way,
has increased a little.
The me from the past.

“I want you to be normal”

by that feeling,
I was quite swallowed up.

(→ “What’s wrong with aiming for normal!!” —— The true feelings of a father who wanted to “cure” his autistic son)

That,
was incredibly huge.

Of course.
It’s not all good memories.
There are troubles too.
There are days I get angry.
There are days when things are just the worst.

No,
if anything.

“I guess today is just no good...”

the days I think that,
might be more frequent.

But.
Somehow lately.

Including those kinds of days,
there are times I think it’s not bad.

Troubles,
there are even times they feel like spice.

…No,
maybe that's just sugarcoating it.

There are times when it's just plain tough.
But.

Including even that.

“Playing with Ma-san,
is fun.”

I like the version of myself that can think that.

I,
actually quite like it.

Only now.

“It's fun.”

The moments where I can think that have increased.
But.

To get to this point.

I spent a long time,
going back and forth over YouTube.

With Ma-san,
it felt like we were locked in a battle of wills.

(→ 'No more YouTube!' and everything broke. The story of how I ended up in a 'battle of wills' with my autistic son)