[21] [License renewal. Even though it's just writing my name] Even on the day my life ended, I still drank my morning coffee. -Newspaper Delivery Edition-

■ This story is based on the author's real-life experiences.
・Honestly, I am exposing my shame to the extreme.
・This is a record of the life I have lived (non-fiction).
・I aim to update almost every day.

[License renewal. Even though it's just writing my name]

1:00 AM.

I make coffee.

I pour the hot water.
I watch the steam rise.
I hold the cup.
I take a sip.

It's bitter.

I thought it wasn't bad.

Unlike before,
it didn't feel like everything I drank tasted the same
anymore.

I can taste it.
The caffeine is soaking into my body, too.

I was
a little saved by that.

Little by little,
I am returning to normal.

I know that.

Even though I know it, the place I had to go today
remained in my mind
the whole time.


License renewal.


Just a procedure.

If I put it that way,
that was all it was.

The deadline comes.
I go.
I write.
I get my photo taken.
I attend the lecture.
I receive it.

That's all.

It should have been just that, but
I felt heavy-hearted from the morning.

I open the map.

New contracts.
Expired contracts.
Intricate alleys.
Corners to turn.
Types of flyers.

I check them one by one.

My hands move.

I didn't have moments anymore where I would
check the same place over and over,
and my mind would go blank like before.

Turn here.
I can't deliver to this house.
I'll leave this row for last.

My body is remembering.

Delivery
was gradually becoming a job.

Even so, today,
what lay beyond that
would not leave my mind.

Even after finishing the delivery,
today wouldn't be over.

The real event of the day
was actually after that.

I head to the distribution center.

Cold air.
Dark roads.
Sleepiness.

It's the usual morning.

Everyone is there as usual.

Stacks of newspapers.
The sound of rubbing.
The sound of rubber bands.
Clearing of throats.
Short small talk.

I am there among them again today.

That, which felt strange until a little while ago,
was now becoming a matter of course.

Miyamoto-san,
while aligning the newspapers, said,

"You're going for your renewal today, right?"

"Yes..."

"I'd like to tell you to get some sleep early, but
that's impossible, isn't it."

He said that and laughed a little,
and immediately moved his hands again.

"Well, it'll be over in a jiffy."

He says something similar to yesterday.

Over in a jiffy.

Probably,
that's how it is for normal people.

But,
I couldn't think so.

I start delivering.

I put them in one by one.

Mail slot.
Step.
Gravel.
Signs of a dog.
Still dark entrance.

My body moves.

But somewhere in my head,
I was thinking about something else the whole time.

Reception.
Photo.
Lecture.
Counter.

Even though there shouldn't be anything difficult about it,
just thinking about each one made me feel heavy.

Name.
Address.
Date of birth.

All of them,
felt strangely heavy today.

I finish delivering safely,
and return to my room.

I take off my clothes.
I sit down.
I make coffee.

While pouring the hot water,
I open my wallet.

Driver's license.
Money.
I look at the necessary items one by one.

I checked last night too.
I checked just a moment ago too.

Even so,
I checked one more time.

It's not that I'm afraid of forgetting something.

The act of going itself,
I hated it.

I drink the coffee.

It's bitter.

It's properly bitter.

The caffeine is soaking into my body, too.

That,
calmed my feelings a little.

I change my clothes.

I thought I couldn't go
in my loungewear.

That said,
it's not like I have
proper clothes.

No matter what I wear,
in the end, I was still just myself.

I look in the mirror.

I thought I looked tired.

Sleepy,
worn out,
and somehow lacking vitality.

Thinking that I would have my photo taken
with a face like this,
that alone was enough to make me hate it.

But,
I had no choice but to go.

I head to the place for license renewal.

The sky was already bright.

The daytime city I see
after finishing my morning work was always a little dazzling.

There are people.
Cars are driving.
Shops are open.

Even though I
had already finished one job,
the world
looked like it was just about to start.

In front of the building,
my feet stopped.

I just need to go in.

Even thinking that,
my body wouldn't move right away.

I take a deep breath.

It was such a shallow breath,
I didn't even know if it had any meaning.

Once more,
I inhale through my nose and exhale through my mouth.

I went inside.

It was bright.

The whiteness of the fluorescent lights.
The way the floor shines.
The signs on the walls.
The people waiting for their turn.

It wasn't exactly quiet.
It wasn't noisy either.

Just,
only bureaucratic sounds were heard.

Voices calling names.
The sound of flipping paper.
The sound of chairs scraping.
Short explanations.

The people there,
all came normally,
sat normally,
and waited normally.

Only I
felt a bit out of place.

I proceed according to the signs.

I move as I am told.

Stop.
Look.
Hand over.
Receive.

Each one was simple.

Even so,
only the depths of my chest remained stiff the whole time.

I stand in front of the writing desk.

I look at the paper.

Name.
Address.
Date of birth.

That was just it.

Just that, but
my hand stopped.

I hold the pen.

I write my name.

Even though it's my own name,


it felt like I was writing it for the first time in a while.


It was a strange sensation.

My name
should have been my own.

Even so,
the moment I wrote those characters,
I felt like the current me was being pulled back there.

Next,
I write my address.

There again,
my hand stopped.

It's not that I made a mistake.
It's not that I couldn't write it.

But, I couldn't write it right away.

The place where I am now.

The place where I return to now.

Just putting that into text,
the depths of my chest felt restless.

Probably, no one cares.

The person next to me,
the person behind me,
the person at the counter,
there's no way they would care about such a thing.

Even so,
only I was concerned about it.

I write my date of birth.

Today is my birthday.

Seeing those numbers,
I felt a strange feeling.

I've aged another year.

I don't think it's something to celebrate.

Just,
only the dates
go on as if nothing happened.

They don't listen to my circumstances
even a little.

I hand over the paper.

The person at the counter was bureaucratic.

It's not that they were unfriendly.
It's not that they were kind either.

With a practiced voice,
they told me where to go next.

That was actually helpful.

Rather than being treated with strange consideration,
being treated like a routine task
was much easier.

I wait at the place to take the photo.

The person before me is called.
They sit in the chair.
It ends immediately.

The next person is called.
They sit.
It ends.

For everyone,
that was all it was.

My turn comes.

I sit in the chair.

I look straight ahead.

My posture is corrected slightly.

Please tuck your chin in a little.

I feel like I was told something like that.

Even though it was only a few seconds,
it was long.

I didn't feel like smiling.

Having said that,
I also felt that an expressionless face was unnatural.

In the end,
I think I was photographed with a tired face.

It ends.

Even though that's all it was,
I felt strangely exhausted.

I attend the lecture.

The chair is hard.
I'm sleepy.
But I can't sleep.

Someone is talking in front.

It seemed like I was listening,
but it didn't sink into my head.

Just sitting there
surrounded by people, I was tired.

No one is looking at me.

I know that.

Even though I know it,
just being among people
made me feel uneasy.

The morning delivery
should have been much harder on my body.

Even so,
this was much more draining.

Everything is finished,
and I receive my new driver's license.

I look at it in my hand.

New photo.
New expiration date.

In appearance,
that was just it.

I don't feel like anything has changed.

I don't feel like my life has started moving either.

I certainly don't feel like
I've recovered.

Just,
I came without running away,
and finished it.

That was all.

I go outside the building.

The daylight enters my eyes.

It's bright.

Just that,
made me tired again.

The procedure is over.

Just when I thought that,

I was called out to.

"I have something important to talk to you about."

It was a polite way of speaking.

That's why, all the more,
it gave me a bad feeling.

I feel my blood
circulating through my body at an incredible speed.

"This way..."

I follow as I am told.

It was a private room about the size of six tatami mats.

There is a desk.
There is a chair.

There are three police officers.

"Please sit there."

The moment I sat down,
I felt like the sound of my heartbeat
was so loud
it could be heard outside the door.

Did I do something?

No,
I haven't done anything.

Even trying to think that,
my body reacted first.

One of the police officers
looked down at the documents.

And,
said quietly,

"A missing person report has been filed..."

[Next story] [22] To [License renewal, even though it's just answering]

Posted 4/26

■ Creative Award 2026 Entry
(Horror Novel Category / Psycho-Horror)
・Since this is a Creative Award 2026 entry, reading this as well would give me huge energy.

■ Thank you for reading this far.
If even one thing stayed with you,
please let me know with a [Like].
If you [Follow] me,
it will be the energy to write the continuation.

■ For first-time readers
・This is an introduction to my chaotic life.
→Profile

■ Serialized below (Non-fiction)
・I am exposing my shame and writing about my chaotic life.
"Even on the day my life ended, I still drank my morning coffee."

[Chapter 1: Disappearance Edition]
→Read from the table of contents
→Read from1st story

[Chapter 2: Newspaper Delivery Edition]
→Read from the table of contents
→Read from1st story