[Part 1] Apology videos are evaluated not by 'true feelings' but by 'social signals': 'The decisive turning point where guilt and shame diverge'

Hello everyone!
I am a behavioral psychologist.

This may be sudden, but let's talk about the so-called 'apology videos' that YouTubers and celebrities release after a controversy.

When you watch them,

Have you ever felt that way?

Actually, there is a reason why I dared to take up this theme this time.

It is because, as I studied behavioral psychology and non-verbal communication and kept reviewing them,

I realized that point.

Even if you think you understand it as knowledge, if you haven't organized it in your own words and broken it down into a form that you can explain to someone else, it cannot be called 'usable knowledge' in the true sense.
usable knowledge'.

That is why this time, I decided to carefully verbalize this theme, both for my own relearning and organization.

There is one more major reason.

Situations where people explain or apologize in front of a camera, such as on YouTube, live streams, or social media,situations where people explain or apologize in front of a camerawill definitely continue to increase in the future.

And in such situations, the question will always arise:

That question will arise.

However,you cannot determine someone else's true feelings or the truth itself from the outside.

That is precisely why what becomes important is not 'deciding on the truth or falsehood,' but rather

how calmly you can gather the material to make a judgment

is the perspective.

However, there is a very important premise.

Society does not evaluate apologies based on "true feelings."

What society is looking at is,

and not,

is what matters.

What I am sharing this time is not "magic for seeing through lies."

However, at the very least, it will serve as a basis for judgment to verbalize "where this sense of discomfort is coming from." it will be.

Not as a way to doubt people, but as a perspective to understand them.

And, to reduce misunderstandings and lead to better dialogue, I will treat this theme as an educational purpose.

⚠️Caution⚠️

The gestures and ways of thinking introduced here are,

• "If this sign appears, it's a lie"

• "This apology is fake"

not intended to be used to make such definitive statements.

In the research of psychologist Paul Ekman, it is stated that basic emotions such as anger, joy, sadness, fear, surprise, and disgust are universally recognized across cultures.

In other words, while facial expressions and gestures are "clues" common to all humanity, making definitive statements while ignoring context, culture, and situation is extremely dangerous.

Symbolically speaking, it can also be expressed as, "The truth is etched on everyone's face."

However, the goal is not to doubt the other person.

It is an act of 'hospitality' that fosters understanding and leads to better relationships, and above all, please do not forget the perspective that sincerity is what matters.

1. 'Apology' as a social signal

Explanation

Many people perceive an apology as follows:

Did something wrong

• Felt remorse

• Apologized

At first glance, this is very natural.

However, from the perspective of behavioral psychology and social psychology, this understanding is insufficient.

An apology is an act to repair a broken 'social relationship'.

In other words, what is evaluated is

• whether you are truly remorseful

, but rather

• how you are responding to social rules

.

If you apologize without this premise, no matter how many words you use, you will be evaluated as "not being sincere."

2. The decisive difference between guilt and shame

Explanation

To understand apologies, one must clarify the difference between guilt and shame.

What is guilt?

Guilt is an emotion that is contained within oneself.

• Acting against one's own values

• Betraying oneself

• "I cannot forgive myself"

The reaction to such violations of internal norms is guilt.

Guilt is

• feeling down

• regretting

• self-reflection

and it tends to manifest in forms like these, and it does not necessarily need to be shown to others.

What is shame?

On the other hand, shame has a completely different nature.

Shame is

• breaking social rules

• breaking a contract with the group

• "I cannot face everyone"

which is an emotion that arises in relation to society.

This is extremely important.

👉 What is evaluated in a social apology is not guilt, but "shame."

No matter how much the person reflects, to society

"I am currently in a low position"

If you cannot show this signal, it is difficult for it to be established as an apology.

3. The "visible elements" that society demands in an apology

Explanation

When society looks at an apology, it unconsciously asks the following question:

Therefore, for an apology to be socially acceptable, it often naturally includes behaviors that show a

• lowering one's gaze

• not maintaining eye contact

• neck and shoulders hunching forward, body shrinking slightly

• reduced volume and slower speaking speed

such as "low position" behaviors that naturally accompany it.

This is not a matter of acting.

A response to social order is simply the body behaving that way.

Therefore, the reason why some are heavily criticized (so-called "flaming") is that such posture is not being received at an unconscious level.

4. Why apologies as crisis management often miss the mark

Explanation

In apology videos, we often see the following structure:

• "You may not believe me, but"

• "I do not expect to be forgiven"

• 'I will not make excuses'

• 'From now on, I will move forward'

This is a rational template from the perspective of crisis management and public relations.

However, it is prone to being misaligned as a social apology.

The reason is clear.

• Crisis management looks to the 'future'

• Social apologies indicate one's 'current standing'

Before 'moving forward,' if 'how much trust I have lost right now'
is not conveyed, the words will fall flat.

4. Application

Daily life

👉 When apologizing to friends or family, do you tend to give explanations or reasons first?

That can sometimes look like you are trying to return to an equal footing before lowering your position.

What is needed first is a declaration of your position that 'I was wrong right now.'

Company

👉 In work apologies, some people talk about improvement plans or preventing recurrence first.

That is a valid argument, but socially, it can be perceived as 'thinking you are still on equal footing.'

First, it is important to show your understanding of your position through your body language and words.

Partner

👉 In romantic relationships, a reassuring attitude is valued more than being right.

'I won't do it again'

rather than,

"coming down to their level properly"

whether or not you can make them feel that way is the turning point for repairing the relationship.

Source

• Ekman, P. (2003) "Emotions Revealed"

• Ekman, P., & Friesen, W. V. (1978) "Facial Action Coding System"

• Bowden, M. (2014) "Winning Body Language"

Finally

Thank you for reading this far!
Your "likes" and follows are a great source of encouragement.

If you found this even a little bit "helpful" or "interesting," please be sure to "like" and follow me 🙇‍♂️

Magazine

Here are the magazines I have participated in!
I am truly grateful, and I look forward to continuing this connection! 🙇

Also, this article was featured, so please take a look and read it 🙇

Here is another one!

The "I remember..." series is a five-part work, so if you'd like, I think it's easier to understand if you read it from the beginning.

This is also recommended!

Please check this out too!

For those who want to learn more, deepen their understanding of reading gestures, and learn through diagrams and case-specific responses, please see the paid articles 👇

*Recommended for those who want to correctly understand gestures, reduce misunderstandings, and engage in dialogue that utilizes "hospitality" and "sincerity."

Also, everyone, please take care of your health and bodies.

See you later!!!