A story about how facing my financial anxiety helped ease my self-loathing.

“I can’t do anything, I have no redeeming qualities.”
“I hate myself, and it’s so suffocating.”

In my twenties, I lived my whole life carrying the feeling of “hating myself.”
I denied who I was and couldn’t trust the people around me.
That was the “normal” world as I saw it.

Back then, I never imagined that money was lurking behind my emotional pain.
But now, I can say it clearly.

Emotional issues and financial issues are definitely, deeply connected.

When I was a student, I lived alone without any financial support from home.

“I have to keep food costs down no matter what.”
“I can’t use the air conditioner.”
“I want to go out and have fun, but I have to work a part-time job.”
Like that, “I can’t” was always following me around.

My classmates would go out drinking almost every day,
go on study abroad trips, and enjoy trendy makeup and clothes.
Lacking money, I couldn’t even afford to buy clothes,
and I couldn’t go out and have fun with them either.
The brighter and happier those around me seemed, the more I felt unable to join their circle.

That’s how I felt at the time.
It was so miserable and embarrassing,
that I started distancing myself from others.

Even after I started working, “not having money” still followed me.
The repayment of my 4.15 million yen student loan began.

“Student loan” might sound light, but debt is debt.
Fixed monthly repayments, the early repayments I worked hard to make every six months,
the saving and self-denial for that sake…
The life of “I can’t” didn’t change even after I got a job.

I will always remember the time I made the final early repayment.
It felt as if those painful days had finally been rewarded,
and as if the world had opened up for me.

July 27th, the day the final student loan payment was processed.
That day was my 30th birthday.

Throughout my twenties, from my student days until I finished paying off my loan,
I was filled with these feelings:

However, this painful feeling
began to ease little by little from the day I finished paying off my student loans.
The mental habit of "self-loathing" still remains, but
the sadness of feeling trapped within narrow walls, like I did back then,
has gently unraveled.

When you don't have money, you lose your peace of mind.
When you lose your peace of mind, you can't be kind to others.
You can't trust anyone.
You even start to hate yourself.

Financial poverty and the tightening of the heart.
It is said in psychology that there is a connection between them.

Your heart isn't weak.
It's not your fault.

Your heart simply
hasn't been safe for a long time.
That is all.

If you are feeling mentally exhausted and in pain right now,
I want you to try looking at your financial situation just once.

Of course, facing your emotional issues is also important.
I have also experienced the effect of my heart easing
by starting journaling.

But if the pain is such that you have been blaming yourself for years,
an approach from the financial side can sometimes be a salvation.

First, try to re-examine your current financial state.
Just by doing that, you might realize, "Oh, it's actually okay."

When your financial problems start to get in order,
your heart will also slowly and surely get in order.

In my previous notes, I have written about "easing the heart"
based on themes such as:
・Journaling
・The thought habits that invite "self-loathing"
・Deciding what not to do to become lighter

From now on, I want to approach this from the financial side as well,
and walk alongside you to help you break free from "self-loathing."

I myself was very, very miserable.
I wish I had known sooner that "if financial anxiety disappears, emotional pain will also disappear."

So, if you are suffering in the same way,
I hope I can provide even a small hint.

I hope your heart feels a little lighter.
And I would be happy to walk with you,
so that we can organize both our hearts and our finances together.🌱

To you, who wants to move forward, even if it's just half a step.💌

To you, who is facing the act of "writing."🍀

Life with a senior rescue cat.🐈