Why I got absorbed in a video on social media. The true feelings hidden behind envy

"I'm so jealous."

Feeling envious of others.

Feeling down after looking at social media,

or hating myself for not being able to
genuinely be happy for someone else's success.

Have you ever felt that way?

For a long time, I thought,
"It's wrong of me to feel envious."



Today,I'd like to write about the true feelings
hidden behind "envy" that I realized

from a video I saw on social media.
This isn't a story about being jealous of someone.

It's a story about how I came to realize

a small wish I had been putting off for a long time.

Thank you for finding my article. Hello, I'm Yuka.

"I'm so jealous."
The words spilled out along with a sigh.

It was that brief moment after finishing dinner
and before my family came home.

I leaned back slowly on the sofa
and casually opened social media.

What appeared on my feed

was a video of a couple in their 20s
with their small baby.

It seemed to be her birthday,
with the room filled with pink balloons, bouquets, and a cake,
and a letter from him.

Even through the screen,
I could feel the happy atmosphere.

"How wonderful."

"How cute."

"I'm so jealous."

After that, deep in my chest, it sounded small
but clearly.

"I'M ENVIOUS"

I hated myself for feeling envious

In the past, I felt this way
toward the people close to me.

・I want you to do more for me.
・I want you to say things like this to me.

Even though I had those feelings,

"I want you to understand without me saying it."

"I want you to sense it."

That's what I thought.

But I couldn't say it. I wouldn't say it.

Am I being selfish
for thinking things like that?

Won't I get hurt if I say it?

So I always folded my feelings up small
and put a lid on them.

Pretending I don't want something even though I actually do.
Pretending I'm fine even though I felt lonely.

That is how I kept pushing my true feelings
further and further away,

"It's not like I'm worth anything anyway."

Before I knew it, that had become my default.

The true feelings hidden behind the envy

Why was I so captivated by this video?

Just because it was cute?
I felt it was more than that.

So I stopped what I was doing and paused,
and spoke to my heart.

"What is it that bothers you so much?"
"What did you really feel?"

When I listened closely,
a small voice replied.

"I want to be surprised too."

I wanted to be cherished too.

The moment I heard those words,
I smiled a little.

Because my husband is someone who never forgets to celebrate my birthday or our anniversary. He does more than enough.

And yet, even so.

I realized that my heart was feeling that way.

・I want to be made happy
・I want to be surprised

Those feelings were truly there, deep in my heart.

The reason I thought "I'm envious" when watching that video
was surely not about the surprise itself.

"I want to make you happy."

The fact that this feeling is conveyed not through words, but through actions.

I think I was envious of that warmth.

I tried putting it into words

I said to my husband,

"I want you to surprise me, too."

My husband froze for a moment and,
while looking away slightly,

he smiled and said, "Okay."

The moment I asked for a surprise,
it was no longer a surprise, of course.

But even though I just put it into words,

I felt like the knot that had been tightly tied in my heart
had loosened a little.

When I was suppressing my true feelings

I used to think it was wrong of me to feel envious for so many years.

I wondered if I wasn't grateful enough.
I wondered if I was being selfish.

But that wasn't the case.

Deep down behind the envy,
it wasn't a feeling of jealousy toward someone else,

but a small wish I had been putting off for a long time.

"I want to feel cherished."

That was all it was.

There are days when my heart feels restless.

Even now, there are days when I look at someone and feel envious.
There are days when I look at social media and search for things I don't have.

But at times like that,

I no longer immediately suppress my feelings like I used to.

Instead, I ask myself:

What do I really wish for?
What do I really want to do?

I wait without rushing until I can hear the answer.

And then,

unexpected feelings begin to emerge.

These are simple, unvarnished answers.

If there are days when you feel restless looking at someone else,

I feel that you don't have to rush to make those feelings go away.

I shouldn't think things like this.

The feelings you are most likely to quickly brush aside
often carry wishes that actually want to be noticed.

I don't think about
rushing to correct those feelings.

Because
I myself have left many feelings behind for a long time.

So if
you have vague feelings you don't quite understand,
or feelings that cannot be put into words,

why don't we slowly look for those voices together?

Not to find an answer or a correct solution,
but so that you yourself can learn to accept your own feelings.

I would be happy if this article
could become a trigger for you to encounter those small voices of your own.

With heartfelt gratitude for our meeting here today.

Yuka

For those meeting me for the first time
This is a self-introduction written with the hope of delivering a letter to you.

To those who have taken this article to heart❁⃘*.ﾟ
These are articles where I have put my deepest feelings into words.
I would be happy if you could read them.

I said I was fine when I really wasn't
A story about me back then.