The Reason Why 'I Don't Want to Be a Burden' Never Stops

Not wanting to be a burden is not a virtue

I can't take a break even when I'm feeling unwell.

I feel guilty just for being slow to reply.

If a requested task is even slightly delayed, I feel like my value has dropped.

When corrections are made, I think, "It's my fault after all."

If someone is in a bad mood, I wonder if it's my fault.

When someone is kind to me, I feel like I've "been a burden."

Perhaps I have always been trying to be...
"a version of myself that is not a burden."

I thought that was the right thing to do.

But one day, I realized.

It wasn't kindness, it was fear

It is not kindness.

It is fear.

I have always thought that...
"a person who is not a burden" is a good person.

Not being a burden = having value.

Being useful = having the right to exist.

I had created such an equation for myself on my own.

But that standard has no end.

Even if I get 100 points, I feel like I'm expected to get 101.

Even though no one has said anything to me,
I keep raising the bar on my own.

And every time I do,
I chip away at myself, thinking, "It's still not enough."

When you make not being a burden your goal,
the choices to protect yourself are constantly pushed to the back burner.

That is the most dangerous thing.

The day I was indoctrinated that "not being able to do something" is a burden

At a previous workplace, my direct supervisor once said to me,

"Why can't you even do this much?"

That one remark stung deeper than I thought.

I became convinced that a version of me that couldn't do something was a burdensome existence.

From then on, I started pushing myself too hard.

I wouldn't refuse any requests.

I wouldn't show it on my face even if I felt unwell.

If I was even slightly likely to be late, I would cut into my sleep time.

I thought it would be better to disappear than to be thought of as a burden.

I genuinely thought it was better not to exist if I wasn't useful.

But that nearly broke me.

I felt like I was about to explode, and I wanted to quit everything.

My job, the people around me, and myself.

That was the first time I thought:

This is not kindness.

It is an extension of self-denial.

The reason I can't forgive only myself

I am most afraid of taking up someone's time.

Someone's time is finite.

So, I couldn't help but feel sorry for making someone stop what they were doing because of me.

But strangely,

when I have been burdened by someone else, I have almost never been angry.

Rather, I felt "relied upon."

I thought it was an opportunity to improve my skills.

I thought it was proof of being trusted.

Then why can't I forgive myself?

Why do I feel like my value as a person drops when I am the one being a burden?

I thought that premise itself might be wrong.

Changing priorities

When you make not being a burden your goal, the premise becomes chipping away at yourself.

The person who keeps chipping away is the one who breaks.

If you break, you become even more of a burden.

In that case, it is better to change your priorities from the start.

Drawing the line on being a burden

I have decided on a few "lines for being a burden."

For example,

For example,
• Decide to "finish at 70%" on days when I'm not feeling well

• Even if corrections are made, separate them from my own value

• Even if I have used someone's time, if they say "it's okay," believe them at least once

• Don't try to handle everything perfectly

• Admit that it is impossible to reduce being a burden to zero

• Instead, protect only the line where I don't break

Since I became able to do this, the explosions have definitely decreased.

Where does responsibility end, and where does pushing too hard begin?


Relying on others is not laziness.

Stopping is not defeat.

Just being understood by the person closest to you makes your heart much lighter.

When I stopped trying to be perfect, the explosions decreased a little.

It's okay to choose not to break

People who aren't a burden aren't necessarily kind.

People who don't break can be kind for longer.

If right now,

you are suffering because you can't stop thinking "I don't want to be a burden,"

it's not because you are kind.

It's because you are afraid.

And there is a real reason for that fear.

But it has nothing to do with your value as a person.

It is okay to choose not to break.

That is not running away.

It is a strategy.

Thank you for reading this far.
Next time, I will write about "why I continue to work."
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