"I tried to help properly": Things to look at when you feel like you're missing each other for some reason

"In that case, why don't you do this?"

When I hear someone talking about their troubles, I sometimes immediately start thinking of solutions.

What is the problem?
Where should they change things?
How can they move the situation forward even a little bit faster?

Ideas are already forming in my head.

It's not that I want to push the other person away.

On the contrary, if they are in trouble, I want to be of help.
I want to give them a way to make things even a little easier.

And yet, after I give them an answer, their expression sometimes clouds over.

"Yeah, that's true, but..."

When I get a response like that, I feel a bit bewildered.

I meant to be helpful, but for some reason, it didn't get through.

Perhaps it wasn't that the answer was wrong, but rather that
the timing of giving the answer was too early.

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Trying to solve things is also a form of consideration

I don't think people who immediately think of solutions aren't thinking about the other person at all.

They can't just leave it alone.
They don't want them to suffer for a long time.
If there is something they can do, they want to offer it quickly.

That feeling manifests as concrete suggestions or actions.

Especially for people who have built up a habit of "dealing with problems when they arise" in their work or daily life, they might naturally enter solution mode when they hear about someone's troubles.

If someone says, "This task is really tough," they think of ways to change the distribution of work.

If they are told, "Things haven't been going well lately," they look for areas that could be improved.

This is not coldness.

You are acting in your own way to try and help the other person.

Therefore, I don't think you need to go as far as to accept that 'because I provide answers immediately, I don't understand people's feelings'.

What gets left behind is not the other person, but the 'process'.

However, if the movement toward a solution is too fast, you may pass by what was in the middle.

'That must have been tough.'

'If something like that happened, you'd be angry, wouldn't you?'

'You might not even have the energy to think about what to do right now.'

These are the kinds of words that confirm where the other person is right now.

It's not that the other person doesn't want to be helped.

It's not necessarily that suggestions are unneeded.

It's just that if the conversation moves forward while their feelings are still stuck in that moment, they may feel like they were 'quickly brushed aside'.

You didn't intend to leave the other person behind.

However, you may have skipped the 'process' that was needed between the other person's feelings and the solution.

When you think about it that way, this is no longer a matter of 'whether or not there is consideration'.

What did you consider? And in what order did you offer it?

It becomes visible as that difference.

The more you rush to be useful, the more likely you are to miss checking in.

When we want to be useful to others, we try to reduce their troubles as quickly as possible.

If there are ten parts of suffering, we want to make it eight. If they are stuck, we want to move them even a little bit.

The stronger that feeling is, the more likely we are to start doing what we can before confirming 'what the other person is looking for right now'.

However, do they want you to listen?
Do they want you to think about it together?
Do they want specific advice?

What is needed varies from time to time.

Having good intentions and those intentions being right for the other person at that moment are not the same thing.

It is not that your good intentions are wrong, but perhaps
you are just missing one check before offering them to the other person.

Try pausing with a word before giving an answer

The next time you hear about someone's troubles, even if a solution comes to mind, you might not need to say it all right away.

For example, before giving an answer, you can
"That must have been tough"
and pause there for a moment.

After that, there is also the option of asking,
"Would you like me to think about it with you?"
"Would you prefer I just listen for now?"

You cannot always understand the other person's feelings completely.

And you don't have to keep up with their emotions for a long time, either.

Just check once whether the direction you are trying to move in
is the same as where the other person is right now.

I believe that by doing just that, the power to solve problems becomes a force for moving forward together, rather than a force that leaves the other person behind.

When you tried to help properly, but for some reason it didn't get through.

Before blaming yourself for not being kind enough, try looking at this.

Was there a word you skipped before offering what you did?

You don't have to let go of your ability to provide answers.

Just place a word that touches on the other person's current state before giving the answer.

That might not be a detour that delays the solution, but a small pause to shape it into something that can be received.

If this article has become a trigger for you to rethink a misunderstanding with someone, I would be happy if you could let me know you received it by clicking 'like' or following.

▼ Also recommended

Before trying to provide an immediate answer, I wrote about what happens when you stop to ask yourself, "What am I trying to do right now?" Even when we intend to act for the sake of others, we sometimes find ourselves steering the conversation toward a conclusion without realizing it.

Especially when trying to accept someone else's feelings, I want to make sure I don't lose sight of where I am myself. This article explores the distinction between choosing words while observing the other person and exhausting oneself in the process.

[Postscript | PR]

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