Why We Sensitive People Are Afraid of 'Feeling Safe' [HSP x Love]

Hello, I'm Min Tsukino!
Thank you for coming to my note page 🤗

Many of you read my previous article, 'The Closer We Got, the More Painful It Became: The Avoidant Love of Sensitive People.'

The response was greater than I expected, and it gave me courage to know that there are so many others who share the same struggles. Thank you so much 🙏

This article is one of the 'Sensitive Person's Love Essay' series.
Each story is self-contained, so you can start reading from anywhere.
Please feel free to read at your own pace.

Why do I want to 'run away' even though they are kind?

I fell in love with someone.
They were kind, sincere, and someone who truly saw me for who I am.

And yet,

Their kindness gradually started to feel heavy.

It's not that I'm attracted to cold people.
But when someone is kind to me, I feel guilty and want to disappear.

'Why am I like this?'

Have you ever thought that?

The day they talked about the future

There is a moment I can't forget.

One day, that person said this to me:

'You were in my dream yesterday.
We had two kids, and we were out shopping like this...
It was so happy.'

They said it with a smile, looking a bit shy.
They really seemed happy talking about it.

Normally, I think that would be a happy moment.

But I,

felt suffocated.

'They are imagining a future like this with me.'
'They are thinking about me so seriously.'

While I was happy about it,
it was also very, very heavy.

Why 'kindness' becomes a burden

I realized something later on.

To me, kindness looked like
the pressure of 'expectations'.

When I receive 10 units of kindness, I feel like I have to give back more than 10.

Every time the other person was kind to me,
I felt like I had to 'properly return the favor'.

But I didn't have the capacity for that.

The more kindness I was shown,
the more painful it became to be the 'me who couldn't return it'.

That is why I think I wanted to run away before receiving it.

The gap with the 'real me'

There is one more thing I realized.

'This person who is so kind
would surely be disappointed if they knew my flawed parts.'

That is what I thought.

I felt a huge gap between the 'me' they imagined
and the real 'me'.

I was anticipating the future and fearing it.

So, before they could know me deeply,
I tried to distance myself.

I think that was my own way of 'protecting myself'.

Have you ever had an experience where kindness hurt?

Having read this far,
is there anyone who thought, 'I understand'?

I was afraid of being treated kindly.
Being loved felt heavy.

Have you ever had an experience like that?

If you have,
it doesn't mean you are cold-hearted.

It's just that
you haven't practiced receiving kindness.

That is all it is.

Connecting security and love, little by little

For a long time, I thought
love = excitement, stimulation, and giving it your all.
But I was wrong.

But it was different.

Love can also be
"security."

You don't have to be a "100% good girl"

Until now, I
tried too hard to be a "good girl" in front of my partner.

I pretended to be energetic even when I was tired,
kept smiling without saying what I really felt,
and kept saying "I'm fine."

But you know,

try being yourself at 30%.

I once tried an experiment like that.

"I'm a bit tired today, so I can't talk."
"I want to be alone right now."

I tried saying these little selfish things.

The result was... honestly, subtle. Haha.

I didn't care about the other person's reaction at the time,
but after that, we stopped seeing each other.

I thought, 'Ah, we weren't a good match,' and
I'm sure the other person felt the same way.

But that was okay.

Rather than a relationship where I forced myself to be at 100%,
a relationship where I showed 30% of myself and walked away
was much healthier.

A relationship where 'silence' is allowed

I haven't had a relationship like that yet.

But I hope to find one someday.

Even if we don't force ourselves to keep the conversation lively,
they stay by my side.

Even if we don't say anything,
I can feel at ease just by them being there.

I think that is the first step toward 'peace of mind'.

Right now, that still scares me.
I can't stand the quiet moments,
and I get anxious, thinking, 'I have to say something.'

But someday.
I hope I can build a relationship like that.

It's not that you are 'not suited for romance'

The fact that you are feeling timid right now
is proof of how much you want to treat others, and yourself, with care.

It's okay if you can't have a 'normal romance'.
Actually, what even is normal?

There is definitely a slow, quiet form of love that is unique to HSPs.

I was confessed to a few years ago, too.

But my head was spinning,
'Do I really like them?'
'Won't it end up the same way again?'
'Wouldn't this person be better off with someone more proper?'

I thought too much and ended up laughing.
I really am a bad woman.

Even though I had tried so hard to look good,
I ended up turning them down.

I haven't been able to have a proper relationship since then.

Even now, there are times when I get scared.

But it's easier than it used to be.

Little by little, I've started to be able to think,
'It's okay to be this way.'

Conclusion

If you are currently finding
kindness to be a burden,
security to be scary,
and love to be painful,

it is still okay ☺️

At your own pace, just as you are,
a day will come when you can find a comfortable distance with someone.

This is a place for you🌷

👆 In this article, I write about how to be loved while remaining sensitive, including how to communicate and how to maintain your mindset.

Along with my own experiences, you can also learn about setting boundaries with others, which I've learned through counseling, books, and seminars.

※ This article is part of the 'Sensitive Person's Love Essay' series.

From next time,
I plan to talk more deeply about how to specifically let go of this pain,
what I have tried, and what helped me feel a little more at ease,
and so on.

About boundaries,
connecting with people while protecting yourself,
and how to nurture love in your own sensitive way.

I would be happy if we could think about these things together 🙌

📚 'Sensitive Person's Love Essay' Series

Thank you for reading today as well.

Please come back again 😉