Episode 108: On days when I have no motivation, what was I trying to protect?

I experienced depression while working as a teacher, and I am currently on the road to recovery after taking a leave of absence, being hospitalized, and going through a return-to-work program.
In this note, I write about my journey with illness, including the days that don't go well, and about self-esteem.
↓ Click here for my self-introduction ♪

I know what I have to do.
But my body won't move.

It's not so much that I lack motivation,
but rather that the feeling of wanting to "do something" doesn't even arise.

Days like that kept continuing.

"Why am I being so lazy?"
I blamed myself over and over again like that.

But is this inability to move
really just laziness?

-----

The cruelty of the phrase "get motivated"

When I was working as a teacher,
I used to tell my students,
"Let's get motivated and do our best."
But when I finally sank to the depths of lethargy myself,

I realized painfully how superficial those words were.
"Motivation" is not like a faucet
that you can just turn on whenever you want.

When you turn a faucet and not a single drop of water comes out,
there must be a reason why the water is being held back.

-----

Continuing from what I realized in Episode 102

In Episode 102, I started to think this way:

"Anxiety is trying to protect me."

As an extension of that,
I thought about this lethargy as well.

If there is meaning in this "state of having no motivation"—
I asked myself.



"What is this state trying to protect?"To keep from getting hurt any further.

To keep from getting exhausted any further.
To keep from pushing myself any further.
Perhaps I was sending a signal to myself,

"I've reached my limit, so please don't move anymore."
-----

Lethargy is the heart's "emergency brake"

If anxiety is
"vigilance against things other than oneself,"
then lethargy is
"a forced shutdown to prevent the heart from collapsing."I think that back then,

what I was trying to protect when I had no motivation
was the last bit of energy inside me that I couldn't afford to lose another drop of.
Inside my heart,
there was no energy left to do something and fail,
or to be criticized.

So, by "doing nothing,"
I was trying to place myself in a safe spot.
Even thinking consumes energy, so I was trying to rest thoroughly.

When I understood this,
I stopped trying to whip myself into "getting motivated."

If you step on the accelerator of a car with the emergency brake fully engaged,
the engine will burn out.

It wasn't that I couldn't move, but rather

that I shouldn't move right now


as my defensive instincts were telling me.

The moment I changed my interpretation like that,
the voice blaming myself became a little quieter.-----

Summary

Days when I have no motivation
were not just laziness.

They might have been an important reaction
to protect myself.

There is a proper reason for not being able to move.

When I was able to think that way,
my perspective on myself became a little kinder.

-----

Closing

If you are blaming yourself for "having no motivation" right now,

it is not because you are weak.

You are desperately keeping your foot on the heart's brake
to keep yourself from breaking down any further,
protecting yourself to the end.

I think that is a noble survival instinct.
There is no need to force the brake off.

Once you have rested enough and stored up nourishment,
the brake will loosen naturally,
and you will be able to start moving again little by little.

Today, tell yourself that you protected yourself well,
say "good job," and just lie down.
-----

If I could tell my past self,



"There is a proper meaning to that inability to move."That is what I would like to say quietly.