[Free] For those of you who find visiting your in-laws during Obon exhausting—A Shinjuku snack bar mama honestly confronts the true nature of in-law stress and how to protect yourself

That season has come around again.

Every time I look at the calendar, I feel depressed.

My stomach sinks every time I get a message from my mother-in-law asking, "You're coming to our place for Obon this year, right?"

My husband says to me, "Why do you hate it? My parents aren't bad people, you know."

"Yeah, they aren't bad people, but..."—unable to put it into words, the day of the visit arrives again this year.

I'm Mama Kyoko, and I run a snack bar in Shinjuku. I started working at a high-end club in Kitashinchi, Osaka, when I was 20, and I've been in this business for 28 years. I opened my own place in Shinjuku at 35, and I run it every night with my head hostess and five staff members.

When the Obon season arrives, I hear many stories at the bar counter every year about how "visiting the in-laws is exhausting."

"I know they aren't bad people. But it's exhausting."—I want to honestly confront this feeling.

Why is it "exhausting even though they aren't bad people"?

One of the characteristics of in-law stress is that, in many cases, the other party is "not someone with clear malicious intent."

It's not that you're being verbally abused or bullied. But it's still exhausting.

"Am I the strange one for feeling exhausted even though they aren't bad people?"—it's easy to doubt your own feelings, and this is one of the reasons why it's easy to end up shouldering in-law stress all by yourself.

"Even if they aren't bad people, it's possible to feel exhausted."—Please let me say this first.

Whether you "get along or not" has nothing to do with good or evil. Different upbringings, values, and communication styles—if these differ, a situation where "they aren't bad people, but I'm drained when I'm with them" can easily occur.

Patterns that make visiting in-laws during Obon exhausting

There are several patterns to the exhaustion felt when visiting in-laws. Please check which ones apply to you.

1. The pressure of the "daughter-in-law role"

Preparing meals, cleaning up, serving tea—there's an atmosphere that these are "things you should naturally do."

It's expected that you offer to help, and if you decline or forget, the atmosphere changes.

Even though you and your husband share duties equally at home, when you go to your in-laws, you find yourself playing the role of the "daughter-in-law" before you know it.

(2) The feeling of being appraised

"Are you having kids yet?" "What are you doing about your career?" "Are you good at cooking?"—These might be questions asked with good intentions. But every time they are asked, it feels like I am being judged on whether I am doing things 'properly'.

(3) My husband turns into a different person

The husband who is my equal partner at home turns into 'son mode' when we return to his parents' house.

Prioritizing his parents' words, leaving me behind, and brushing things off by saying 'that's just how my parents are'—a sense of loneliness emerges, making me wonder, 'Where did my husband go?'

(4) The gradual accumulation of 'clashing values'

The seasoning of food, child-rearing policies, ways of doing housework—the accumulation of small 'this is how we do it at our house' comments gradually becomes exhausting.

Even if each one is a small thing, it wears you down when it continues for several days.

(5) The feeling that 'this is not my home'

Even if I want to relax, I can't. Several days of constantly being on edge. I can't move at my own pace.

The feeling of 'I want to go home' gradually grows stronger.

The reality of visiting in-laws that I, as a mama, have witnessed

At my bar, I have heard these kinds of words almost every year.

"My mother-in-law isn't a bad person. But after staying for three days, I'm a wreck by the time I leave. I can't tell my husband."

"I always get sick after Obon ends. Every year. I think my immune system drops because of the stress."

"The night I get back from my in-laws, I cry by myself in secret. I don't even really know why I'm crying, but the tears just won't stop."

"When my husband asks me, 'What is it that you hate about my parents?', I can't answer well. It's not like they're doing anything bad. But it's definitely exhausting."

What these all have in common is that you are carrying this 'hard-to-articulate exhaustion' all by yourself.

The 'my husband doesn't understand' problem

Another major concern with in-law stress is that 'my husband doesn't understand'.

"My parents aren't that bad, are they?" "Aren't you overthinking it?" "Try to be a little more mature."

—When these kinds of words come back at you, the feeling that "maybe I'm the one who's wrong" becomes even stronger.

One reason it's hard to get through to your husband is that for your husband, his parents' home is 'home,' while for you, it is 'someone else's house'—there is a fundamental difference in how you perceive it.

For your husband, it's a place where he can feel like he's 'back home.' For you, it's a place where you have to constantly be on your guard.

It is quite difficult to get him to understand this difference as a lived experience.

That is why you get stuck when asked, "Why do you hate it?"—it is difficult to put into words that "vague sense of exhaustion."

Try changing how you "communicate" with your husband

When you tell your husband that "visiting the in-laws is exhausting," trying to explain "what you dislike" often doesn't go well.

The reason is that if you phrase it as "I don't like it because my mother-in-law does X," it sounds like "criticism of his parents" to him.

Instead, there is a way of communicating I would like you to try.

Make "what I am feeling" the subject

Instead of saying, "I don't like it because my mother-in-law does X," say, "I feel like I'm on edge the whole time I'm at your parents' house, and I'm always incredibly exhausted when I get back."

Ask for specific support

Instead of saying, "I'm exhausted, so I don't want to go," make it a specific request, such as, "During our stay for Obon, I'd like you to help me with meal prep," or "If you see that I'm looking tired, please make some time for me to rest."

Be clear about wanting your husband to act as a buffer

"When they ask about the kids, I want you to answer," or "When it looks like we're going to stay too long, please adjust our departure time"—tell him specifically "what you want him to do."

Specific strategies to "get through" the Obon visit

1. Negotiate to keep the "length of stay" as short as possible

Before you visit, discuss with your husband in advance "how many days we will stay this year."

Expressing a desire to "make it shorter" is not selfish. It is a "realistic decision to maintain the relationship within a range where you don't become too depleted."

2. Consciously create "time to be alone"

Go for a walk, go shopping, or go to bed early—even while at your in-laws' house, try to create even a little bit of "time where you don't have to be considerate."

Try letting go, just a little, of the sense of obligation that you "must always be by their side."

3. Decide on a "reward for after the visit" in advance

Decide in advance on something fun you will do, like "I'll do this" or "I'll go there," once the visit is over.

The feeling of "it will be over in X days, and then I can do Y" can sometimes make your feelings during the visit a little easier.

4. Lower your expectations

If you go home with the expectation that "maybe this year I can do it well" or "maybe this year I can finally understand my mother-in-law," the damage when those expectations are betrayed will be greater.

Lowering your expectations in advance by thinking, "It'll probably be about the same this year, too," is surprisingly helpful.

5. Decide on your "self-care after the visit"

Decide that the day you return from visiting your in-laws will be a "day to prioritize your own recovery."

Eating your favorite food, taking a long bath, having time where you don't have to be considerate of anyone—planning your "recovery after the visit" in advance will turn the exhaustion into something you can "get through."

To the question, "Am I a bad daughter-in-law because I don't like my in-laws?"

"Am I a bad daughter-in-law because I don't like my in-laws?"—I think many people carry this self-criticism.

Let me be honest with you.

"Not liking your in-laws" is not a problem with your character.

Different upbringings, different values, different communication styles—these "differences" are simply what create the feeling that "being together is draining."

"Feeling that you don't like them" and "hating the other person" are completely different things.

"I don't like them, but I'm making an effort not to break the relationship"—that effort itself is proof enough that you are "taking it seriously."

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Finally—feeling "exhausted" is an honest sensation

To you, who feels depressed every time the Obon homecoming approaches.

That feeling is not wrong.

The feeling that "they aren't bad people, but it's exhausting" is also real.

It's not because you are a "bad daughter-in-law," but because you are constantly being careful around people from a different environment, which is why it's exhausting.

You don't have to try to do everything perfectly this Obon.

Instead of aiming to "get through it," try aiming to "not get too worn out."

And when you get back, please make sure to treat yourself well.

That alone is enough to show you've done your best.