No Child is Disposable (4)

🎈 In the Case of Riki and Yukito

■ 5. Riki's Mother (2)

Before I knew it, the sky had brightened.
It's almost 5 o'clock.
I really couldn't sleep after all.
I suppose it couldn't be helped, given all the shocking things that happened.

I feel like it's easy for thoughts to turn dark in the kitchen late at night.
The folding chair I keep for long tasks is my own personal space.
The kitchen is my private room, a precious fortress where I can be all alone.
But it wasn't the right place for thinking things over.

A small flower in a bud vase on the dining table catches my eye.
A flower whose name I don't even know that Riki picked for me as a gift.
I feel like it's smiling gently at me this morning.
The vitamin-colored petals are cute.
I should change the water so it can bloom for a long time.

Oh, wait, no.
Riki said he wanted to do it himself, didn't he?
Since it was the first time he said he wanted to take care of something himself, I was so happy about both the flower gift and his growth.

I stretch as hard as I can and breathe in the morning air.
I exhale slowly, slowly, and then gently close my eyes.

Come on, pull yourself together.
I have to face Riki properly.

The gentle morning sun warms the room little by little, as if to tell me it's cheering me on.

As I start my morning routine,
I suddenly remembered seeing Yukito's mom at the supermarket.

She looked thinner than I remembered, her expression dark and tired.
Just looking at her made me feel heavy, and I didn't think to speak to her.
I took a slow, roundabout way to the register so I wouldn't have to get involved.

What a terrible person I am.
I only think about myself.
Even though I called her a 'mom friend,' we weren't friends at all.
If I had just worked up the courage to say 'hello,' she might have shown me a smile.

Oh, no, that's not right.
I was the one who told Riki, 'Don't play with Yukito.'
What was I thinking, saying such a thing just because I wanted to protect my own child?
My mean words must have hurt both Yukito and his mom.
Riki, who was made to say it, must have felt terrible too.

Ah, I feel so pathetic.
I did such a horrible thing.
I didn't even know what a developmental disability was, and I didn't even try to get to know Yukito or his mom.

When did I become such a cold person?
Back in my student days and when I was an office worker, I was at least able to listen to people who were in trouble,
but it feels like the moment I became a mom, I lost all that capacity.

Even though I think I have to do my best for Riki, I also feel anxious, wondering if I have to do it all by myself.
Did Yukito's mom feel this way too?

I want someone to help me, but I absolutely don't want to tell my own mother or my mother-in-law.
I know they'd just bombard me with annoying questions, and I don't want them making a scene.
If they said something like, 'Did you raise your child wrong?', I really wouldn't be able to recover.

Of course, I don't want to tell any of my mom friends either.
I know it would be spread around the group LINE, and both Riki and I would definitely be ostracized.

Ah, but still.
Even if people think I'm selfish and opportunistic, I want to talk to Yukito's mom.

There's so much I want to ask.
There's so much I want her to hear.
I have a feeling that I could confide in her about many things.
I can trust that she isn't the type to tell other moms just for the sake of gossip.

First, I'll properly apologize for what I did.
I have to do that, or I won't be able to forgive myself.
With the understanding that Yukito's mom might not forgive me,
I'll try to face her with my true feelings, without lying to myself.

With my husband in that state, I can't rely on him in the future either.
I have to support Riki all by myself.
Even if Riki isn't 'normal,' I am the only one who will always be on Riki's side.
I will continue to be on his side, forever and ever, absolutely.

Pull yourself together, me.
I can do it, I can do it, I just have to do it!

It ended up being a long message, but I sent a LINE to Yukito-kun's mom.
I poured my heart into apologizing and wrote down my honest feelings as they were.
Since I hurt her with my thoughtless actions, I am prepared for the possibility that she might ignore me.
I am also prepared for her to be annoyed by the idea that I only rely on her when it's convenient for me.

Because the only person I can rely on right now,
the only person I want to rely on,
is Yukito-kun's mom.

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