[Raising a Child with Developmental Challenges] #2 The More I Thought I Had to Do It Right, the More Painful It Became

As the due date approached,
my anxiety gradually grew.

Click here for the previous story⤵︎

Even so, just as I was telling myself "it will surely be okay,"
around 8:00 PM, one day past my due date,

my water broke.

Since labor didn't start easily after that,
the next day, around 1:00 PM, I was given labor-inducing drugs.

Perhaps because the maternity aerobics and yoga paid off, I gave birth safely in about 7 hours.

The moment they were born,

the sense of relief at being freed from labor,
thinking "it's finally over," and the

joy, sense of accomplishment, peace of mind, and happiness of thinking "they're crying healthily!"

With a mix of various emotions,
I met my child, who had stopped crying and was wrapped in a swaddle—

Oh, they're too cute...!!

I remember a feeling of love and exhilaration I had never felt before,
and a happiness that made me want to cry
welling up inside me.

That day, I parted with my child for a while and went to my hospital room.

From the next day, I shared a room with the baby,
heading toward a happy parenting life—

Or so I thought, but
it was a tumultuous parenting boot camp!!

Without any time to heal from the fatigue and physical damage of childbirth,
I spent my hospital stay dealing with unfamiliar childcare while sleep-deprived.

During that time,

I couldn't breastfeed well,

and I fell into self-loathing, thinking, "I can't even breastfeed properly; maybe I'm not cut out to be a mother..."

I also practiced bathing the baby, but


I felt anxious, thinking, "Can I really do this alone...?"

When my husband, parents, or grandparents came to visit,
I felt like I was released, if only a little,
from the sense of duty that I had to do it all by myself.

But when night came, I was lonely again.

"What if the baby cries..."
"What if I can't get the hang of breastfeeding..."

Thinking about all these things led to insomnia...

Just five days after giving birth, during my hospital stay alone,

I felt crushed by the weight of responsibility, self-loathing for not being able to parent well, and anxiety about the life of raising a child ahead.

And so, five days later,
I was discharged from the maternity clinic and headed to my parents' home to stay for a while.

Honestly, at that time, I had
“A new life with a baby♪”
—there was absolutely no room for that kind of mindset,

“Can I really do this?”
“I have to do it, but can I?”
“Am I not cut out to be a mother...?”
I was in a state of

self-loathing and plummeting self-esteem.

For about a month and a half after that,
I spent my days being cared for at my parents' home.

However, even during that time,

I couldn't breastfeed well,
and eventually, the stress caused my milk to stop,

I was plagued by afterpains,
and I felt disgusted with myself for not being able to manage childcare,

I couldn't keep up physically,
and I felt sorry and pathetic during the times when my mother, who was over 50, took over childcare for me...

In any case, at an unbelievable speed,
my sense of self-loathing and low self-esteem grew.

That is how my life at my parents' home came to an end,

but I want to tell mothers who are currently holding a newborn in their arms and feeling crushed by self-loathing and anxiety—

Childcare is not something you have to carry alone.

“I have to do it all by myself”
“I have to do proper childcare
exactly as I was told”
“If I'm like this, I'm a failure as a mother...”

You don't have to think things like that.

A mother is a human being, too.

Looking back now, at that time,
I displayed a strange sense of seriousness and perfectionism,
and I cornered myself to that extent,
there was no need to envision an ideal image of a mother.

Every child has their own characteristics,
and accordingly, the way a mother is, how she interacts,
and the methods of childcare will change.

There is no right answer to childcare.
Childcare that is comfortable for one child
might feel restrictive to another.

It is important to take in childcare information and knowledge,

but if you become bound by the knowledge and information you have taken in,
and you can no longer do “childcare in your own way,”
that will become painful for both you (the mother) and your child.

However, I didn't realize that back then,
and I was convinced that “I have to be a perfect mother.”

This way of thinking would later corner me,
and lead to a “small regret”—

From here, we return to our home away from my parents' house, and
our family's new daily life begins.

If there is anyone else out there who is raising children and
thinking, "I have to do this perfectly" or "I'm just not good enough..."

I hope the story that follows will serve as a small hint or a source of comfort for you.


Next time,
I will look back on the time I reached my breaking point
during my first experience with solo parenting.

Click here for the next part⤵︎