"Scoop" Chapter 3 First Love | Rira the Girl

▶Read from the beginning

A story about Rira's bookmaking for practical lifestyle books.

Reunion

My husband was my first love.

The air in Tokyo was thin, almost to the point of feeling distant.
It was in March, when I came to Tokyo for school.

When I exited the ground-level exit, there was a large intersection in front of me. I gulped. Even looking at the map in front of the station, I couldn't immediately tell which way to go.

My mother was looking at the map I had printed out, turning it upside down.

Along the road were convenience stores, an old Chinese restaurant, and cheap set-meal shops for students. The smell of wet asphalt was mixed with a bit of grease. Bicycles were parked haphazardly along the sidewalk, and I walked, weaving between them.

I felt intimidated by scenery that was so different from what I was used to.

Unfortunately, it was a cloudy sky.
Traces of the rain that had fallen the day before still remained at the edge of the road, and even in the short distance from the station, the soles of my shoes got a little wet.

The wind was a little milder than back home. There was no mud-stained snow to be seen either.

The place I finally arrived at was a real estate agency.

Through the glass, I saw a female staff member guiding another customer to the entrance. She looked to be in her late twenties. She was a mature woman who looked good in a pantsuit. She was a beautiful woman with striking features, and I found myself staring at her, but when our eyes met, I hurriedly looked away.

The person who came out to assist us was a young man wearing glasses. I had a sense of déjà vu, but—I couldn't remember.

When asked about the kind of home she was looking for, my mother leaned forward and emphasized safety above all else.

"It's fine if the rent is a little high. I want somewhere with good security and a safe neighborhood. She's a girl, after all. Right, Rira?"

"...Yeah."

I wanted to say I'd like somewhere near a supermarket because I want to try cooking, but I understood how my mother felt, so I didn't say anything.

Once the properties had been narrowed down to a certain extent, the three of us climbed into the back seat of the car and set off to view them.

This wasn't our first time viewing properties.

The first place we visited seemed to be using listings for properties that were already taken just to lure customers in. My mother dismissed them, saying she felt a sense of distrust. At the next place, my mother showed disgust toward a man who kept prying into our personal lives, asking about our university and hometown, so she called that off too.

My mother is a very anxious person. However, I was starting to get tired of the unexpectedly long viewings and the impatience of not being able to decide.

My mother had been looking out the window with a grumpy expression for a while. In her hand, she held a folding mobile phone, which had the mascot we received at the real estate agency yesterday attached to it.

"Oh, Moririn."

"Huh?"

"That character. Do you like it?"

The man asked.

"I don't dislike it... but we just received it."

My mother hates throwing things away.

"Apparently, that character wasn't chosen by a popularity poll."

He lowered his voice.

Our eyes met in the rearview mirror, and I saw a face with a calm, intelligent air and slightly drooping eyes.

"They say they just eliminated things that felt unpleasant, and that character was what remained by process of elimination."

"Oh..."

My mother said, sounding impressed.

"Come to think of it, your daughter is going to university, isn't she? Are you looking forward to living alone? Or are you feeling lonely?"

"...I am a bit lonely, but I'd like to try cooking. I've never done it before."

My mother nudged me with her elbow, looking embarrassed. She hadn't let me stand in the kitchen because she thought knives and fire were dangerous.

The place we were shown that day was a bit old, but it was a south-facing apartment with plenty of sunlight.

While my mother opened doors here and there, saying this and that, I sat aimlessly next to the umbrella stand leaning against the entrance.

In the unfamiliar room, the sounds and smells made me feel uneasy, and I stared at my fingertips in tension.

That was when it happened.
I noticed the man who had shown us the property was staring intently at me.

"Um..."

He spoke up as if he were hesitant.

"By any chance, are you Rira?"

"Huh?"

My mother and I both let out a sound at the same time. My mother frowned, stepped in front of me to protect me, and glared at the man.

"I-I'm sorry. That's not it. It's just... I felt like I had met you when you were a child."

Even as he spoke vaguely, he did not look away.
Thin-rimmed glasses, soft-looking hair. With his drooping eyes and an air of intelligence, I felt—I truly felt—that I knew that face.

"I'm Shusuke Kudo. I was in the same hospital room as... Rira-chan's grandfather."

"…Shu-chan?"

It was my mother who raised her voice.

The guarded look in her eyes from just a moment ago melted away instantly. She stood up, patted him firmly on the back, and laughed.

"Oh my, you've grown so big!"

"It's been a long time... really."

The face he made as he smiled in embarrassment suddenly overlapped with "that boy." The boy who used to play shogi with my grandfather in the corner of the hospital room.

He, Shusuke, was my first love.

Blizzard of Early Summer

It was when I was in the lower grades of elementary school. My grandfather was hospitalized due to illness.

Every night at 7:00 PM, we would go to visit him in my father's car.
Back then, although I knew of the existence of death, I didn't have any real sense of it.

My grandfather looked so energetic that I even had the heartless thought of wondering why we had to visit him every single day.

Even when we came to the hospital, only my parents and grandfather would talk.
I can't remember their expressions anymore. I just had to sit there and wait. I couldn't help but think, as a young child—am I even here?

At the time, my grandfather's hospital room was a four-bed ward, and in the bed next to his was a boy a few years older than me.

The opening theme of an anime I loved was playing from the TV in his space. My eyes were glued to it. It was my favorite anime, one I never missed watching every week.

Perhaps he noticed that. The boy's mother beckoned me over.

Then she asked my mother, "If you don't mind, would you like to come over here and watch it together?"

"Wouldn't that be a bother..."

My mother hesitated.

"Oh, not at all. My son has been having your father teach him shogi during the day. He's always so kind to him, so please, if you'd like."

From then on, whenever I went to visit my grandfather, I ended up spending my time with them.

The boy's name was Shusuke. When I asked, I learned he was a boy five grades ahead of me at the same elementary school. It seemed we lived near each other, too.

On days when the anime wasn't on, we would do origami or draw pictures, and I think he and his mother were incredibly patient with me, even though I was still so young.

The frequency of my visits increased day by day.
Led by my parents, who wore troubled expressions, I eventually started heading to the hospital on the hill after lunch on Saturdays and Sundays as well.

When I entered the room in the afternoon, the sound that echoed through the quiet ward was the dry click of shogi pieces being placed. By the bed near the window, my grandfather and Shusuke were always playing shogi. Click, click... Each time, it felt as if time were advancing one step at a time.

I remember the sparkle of the early summer afternoon shining through the window glass, illuminating his hair as if it were a painting. Shusuke's profile had a straight nose, long eyelashes, and an intellectual air about him.

More than the shogi board, I found myself watching the movements of Shusuke's fingers. They were slender and pale, and I thought they looked just like someone playing the piano.

He—Shusuke—was different from other boys. ...Though, I suppose I only knew the boys my own age around me. He didn't act roughly, and he didn't use vulgar language. He had a quiet, thoughtful aura.

Shusuke was my first love.

That day, too, I was drawing with Shusuke.

He watched how I held my colored pencil intently, and without saying a word, he gently held out another pencil for me. Shusuke is always watching me closely. He always anticipates what I need and offers it before I even ask.

"Shu-chan, thank you!"

It was just as I smiled at him—that my grandfather gave a small, hacking cough. It was a sound like something tangled deep in his throat. He was digging his fingers into his chest, as if trying to claw at it.

"Grand... father...?"

My father's work hadn't finished yet that day, so I had come with my mother, but she had stepped out after changing the water in the vase. Faced with my grandfather suddenly suffering, I was confused.

"...Mom! Mom!"

My voice rang out, vibrating as if it were piercing through the walls of the hospital room.

My grandfather's breathing grew thin, a faint wheeze. I staggered toward him.

Tears welled up in the corners of his eyes. My grandfather's gaze was vacant; I wasn't reflected in them.

I was frozen, not knowing what to do, when Shusuke pressed the nurse call button. I don't remember what happened after that. As if pushed aside by the nurses, I plopped down onto the floor right there.

Shusuke got off the bed and held my shoulders as if to support me.

When I looked up, his eyes were red. They were eyes that seemed to be holding back something from breaking. He sat me down on the round stool where his mother always sat, and covered my ears. As he pressed down firmly, the sounds of the world grew faint, as if blocked by thick glass.

Only a sound like a winter night with a raging blizzard echoed in my ears.
His hands were much larger than mine. Yet, his hands were trembling, too. A single drop fell onto the tip of my nose.

It was a moment that felt as long as eternity.

Inside the hospital room, mixed in with the sound of the blizzard covering my ears, an unpleasant sound kept ringing.

That night, my grandfather passed away. My exhausted parents took me home. I didn't even have time to say goodbye to Shusuke.

A few months had passed.

I was walking alone on the path to school, which had become a little chilly.
I looked back. They weren't there.

I left the school gate and chose the long way around, as if to take a detour.

A cold wind brushed against my cheeks. I was sure it would be fine if I went this way.

I stared blankly at the fallen leaves flowing through the gutter at my feet, drifting away with the sound of the water. Yellow and brown leaves flowed along, sometimes side by side, sometimes drifting apart. The season was certainly moving forward.

"Rira-chan."

Startled by the familiar voice, I looked up and turned around to see Shusuke standing there. He was wearing a light blue windbreaker over a navy blue polo shirt.

"Shusuke-kun."

"It's been a while."

"...Yeah."

"Is your house this way?"

He asked with an awkward smile, and I nodded before pointing diagonally to the right.

"Then this is a bit of a detour for you, isn't it? ...I'm going straight here."

Saying just that, he started walking. For some reason, I naturally fell into step beside him.

A silence continued for a while. Neither of us said a word, but strangely, it wasn't uncomfortable.

White and pink cosmos flowers sway in the wind at the edge of the paved road. The uneven flowers tilt their heads here and there, chasing our shadows.

That day, there was no real conversation. Even so, I was happy. Just the time spent walking side by side with Shusuke made me feel a faint warmth deep in my chest.

After that, our times leaving school happened to coincide several more times.

It was only for a short period of about half a year, until Shusuke graduated.

The junior high school is further beyond Shusuke's house. From the time the snow began to melt, we could no longer walk home in the same direction.

And the following autumn.

When the wind began to turn cold again. One evening, when I was late getting home after playing with friends.

I noticed Shusuke walking toward me. I started to run over, but my feet stopped.

He looked like a complete stranger. With his uniform sleeves rolled up, he was holding hands with a girl wearing a sailor-style uniform.

The girl's hair caught the sunlight. She was much taller than me and very pretty. She had large, bright eyes and long eyelashes, with a doll-like beauty. And every time she smiled, dimples appeared, softening her rigid beauty.

The expression on Shusuke's face as he looked at her. That was what shocked me more than anything. It was completely different from how he looked at me. That was when I realized it for the first time.

To Shusuke, I am just like a little sister.

The two of them drew closer. My heart gave a loud thud.

As if fleeing, I hid in the bushes of a nearby shrine. I held my breath, nearly losing my footing on the fallen leaves.

I couldn't call out to him, he didn't call my name, and after we passed each other, I couldn't move for a while.

From that day on, I changed my route to school. I was afraid of another coincidence happening.

That was the last time I saw Shusuke.

The Vanished Key

"If you ever have any trouble, feel free to contact me."

Shusuke said this as we parted ways after successfully finalizing the contract.
He took a business card from his breast pocket and quickly scribbled his mobile number on the back.

"If Shu-chan is there, I feel at ease."

My mother beamed.

"Shu-chan used to walk home with you, didn't he?"

My mother said this on the Shinkansen on our way home.

"Yeah."

"You know, he was protecting you."

"...From what?"

"The boys in your class. You used to come home crying a lot before, didn't you? Like when they put bugs in your clothes. He saw that, apparently."

"How do you know that?"

"He told me before he graduated. He said he wouldn't be able to walk home with you anymore, so he asked me to keep an eye on you, even though he had already warned them."

Those words made my chest feel warm and tight.

"But you really must be careful."

My mother's eyes narrowed. I felt my heart sink, thinking, 'Oh, here we go again.'

Just because you're a college student now, don't go being friendly to just anyone. You had a scary experience before, remember? Your father and I can't just rush over to help you in Tokyo.

The Shinkansen was already quite far from Tokyo. Snow hit the windowpane here and there, turning into water droplets and blowing away.

As a college student, I couldn't keep up with the dizzying speed of the days passing by. The environment, the people, the studies, the housework—everything was new to me. There was so much information that I felt like I was drowning every single day.

It happened one night.
Returning from a club welcome party, I suddenly realized my keys were missing. I turned pale. I immediately called the shop, but they said there were no lost or forgotten items.

I didn't have any close friends at university yet. I had exchanged contact information with several people, but I couldn't bring myself to ask if I could stay over, and I became anxious.

After hesitating, I pressed the phone number for Shusuke, which I had secretly saved to my phone after seeing his business card. But I couldn't say for sure that I didn't have ulterior motives.
Surely, there must have been other options.

After pressing the button on impulse, I thought my heart would jump out of my chest from the tension. While the inorganic ringing tone echoed for a while, I heard a voice say, "Yes."

Um, Shu-chan... It's me, Rira.

Oh, Rira-chan? What's wrong?

I'm so sorry for calling so late. Um, I lost my keys. I checked with the shop, but they don't have them.

By any chance, were you at a welcome party?

Yes.

There was a pause on the other end of the line, as if Shusuke were thinking.

You're in front of your place, right? I'll be right there, so don't move.

A while later, Shusuke arrived, out of breath.
Unlike how he looked when we met for the apartment viewing, he was wearing sweatpants and sandals, and seeing that he had rushed over made my eyes sting with tears.

Shu-chan... I'm sorry.

"It's fine. Let's just go for now."

He hailed a taxi and told the driver to head to a town two stations away. He lived on the third floor of a five-story apartment building.

"You can use this place today. I'm heading out... and, could I borrow your phone for a second? I want you to call your mother."

"Huh?"

As Rira was told, she dialed her mother's number and handed the phone to him. After a moment, her mother's voice could be heard: "Rira, what's wrong at this hour?"

"I'm sorry for calling so late. This is Shusuke Kudo."

"Huh? Shu-chan? What's going on?"

Her mother's tone became sharp.

"I'm sorry. It seems Rira lost her key, so I'm looking after her at my place. I'm leaving the apartment tonight, so please don't worry, but I just wanted to let you know."

"Oh... I see. I'm sorry, Rira is such a handful."

"No, it's fine. But, since she lives alone, I thought it might be best to change the locks just in case. There might be an additional cost for that."

"Of course, that's fine. I'm sorry for the trouble."

"No, I'm glad she felt she could rely on me. Anyway, sorry for calling so late."

Shusuke hung up the phone while bowing to her mother, who wasn't even there.

"Phew, that was nerve-wracking."

He stuck out his tongue and laughed.

"Thanks for the call. I'm going to stay at a friend's place tonight. Feel free to use the place however you like. There are drinks... and if you don't mind, there's food in the fridge too. Just help yourself to whatever."

Shusuke said this while checking the contents of the refrigerator.

"Shu-chan... thank you."

"It's okay. I told your mother too, but I'm really glad I gave you my business card. ...You were anxious, weren't you?"

Triggered by those words, tears began to fall, one by one. Shallow breaths escaped me in gasps. Shusuke hesitated for a moment, then gently stroked my hair.

Just one week ago.
I was running around in circles trying to take out the trash for the first time. I wasn't even sure what was combustible or non-combustible, and while checking the local government's website with my smartphone in one hand, I hurriedly picked up a tissue box I had accidentally tried to throw away with the burnable trash.

I stood frozen in front of the supermarket shelves for a long time. I didn't know what the "right" things to buy were. I'd buy too much and let it rot, or I wouldn't buy enough. I even teared up looking at wilted komatsuna greens in the refrigerator.

It wasn't going nearly as well as I had imagined, and there was no one to talk to every day. Eating meals alone in a quiet room. Maybe I was much more tired than I realized myself.
Maybe I was much more tired than I realized myself.

"--Oh, and about that. I hate to say something that might scare you, but regarding your key, I was thinking there's a possibility it might have been stolen."

"Huh?"

I looked up abruptly.

"There are tricks where people steal them to make duplicate keys, you know."

A chill crawled up my spine. A frightening incident from my high school days flashed through my mind.

"If that's the case, it's scary, so I thought it would be better to change the lock. For the next two weeks or so, it might be a bit of a hassle, but after university, if you don't have plans with friends, come over to my place. I'll drive you after work."

"I couldn't possibly, that's too much trouble."

"It's fine. Working in this job, I hear about those kinds of things, so I'm worried. Think of it as for my own peace of mind? Okay?"

Saying that, Shusuke brought out the guest bedding, gave me a spare key, and left the house.

Then he came back and asked, "...Don't you have a boyfriend? Are you sure?"
I laughed.

"I just got to Tokyo, remember?"

"No, I mean, like, back in Aomori or somewhere. Even if it's an emergency, I thought you might feel uncomfortable about it."

"She's not here right now."

──A lie. She was never here to begin with. Yet, Shusuke smiled as if relieved.

"What about you, Shu-chan? Am I not a bother to your girlfriend?"

It took courage to ask.

"She's not here right now. It's fine."

The answer I received was the one I had hoped for.

Left alone, I looked around the room that smelled like him.
It was a clean and simple room. There was nothing unnecessary, a feeling as if everything had been stripped away.

Inside the refrigerator were many storage containers. The date they were made and their contents were written in his meticulous, angular handwriting.

When I turned off the lights, I felt restless, just like when staying at a hotel while traveling.

I have never had a boyfriend. I have had a few crushes, but it was always unrequited love. I was so far removed from romance that I wondered if it was a miracle for the vectors of two people's feelings to face each other.

The only sound in the room was the hum of the refrigerator, and it was very quiet. Although it took some time, I gradually drifted into a slumber.

The key had indeed been stolen. After I finished changing the locks, Shusuke walked me home after work, and we found someone trying to insert a key into my front door, which turned into a police matter.

That person was a senior student who had sat next to me at the welcome party.

Once a crush is rekindled, it is already difficult to extinguish.

Three months after we reunited, I told Shusuke that I liked him.
His face turned bright red. He turned me down while carefully choosing his words, claiming the age gap was the reason. I pressed him, saying it was only five years and that at nineteen it was legal, but he replied, "But I am an adult."

"Then, if I'm still in love with you, Shu-chan, when I turn twenty, will you go out with me then?"

"No, but..."

"If you dislike me, please just say so. That would make it easier for me to give up."

Shusuke started to say something, but eventually slumped his shoulders as if he had given up. Two months before I turned twenty, we became lovers.

The day I took off my pumps

I find myself crying while making egg soup in the middle of the night.

I turn off all the lights in the house, leaving only the orange glow above the stove. I quietly pour the beaten egg into the simmering soup. As I let it slide gently off the chopsticks, a flower blooms softly in the golden broth.

The color of the flower changes depending on how well the yolk is beaten.
On this day, I added one egg white left over from the egg-on-rice I had for lunch, so a pale yellow flower, nearly white, bloomed.

The tip of my nose stings. My vision begins to blur. Another rejection email arrived today. It was the 49th company—.

The colors of the world visible from the train window are beginning to change. Just until recently, under a soda-colored sky, the vivid pink of azaleas was shining.

But now, rain is falling from perpetually gloomy clouds. In this monochrome world, only the hydrangeas add a touch of color.

When I arrive at university, I feel like the number of people with black hair has decreased significantly.
It's just like the current season. There's me, living in the gloomy rainy season, and then there are the people who laugh cheerfully with their orange-tinted brown hair, as if they have already jumped ahead to summer.

"Rira!"

My body stiffened as I was hugged from behind. It was Kana.
Just last week, she had her black hair tied back in a single ponytail and had even stopped wearing false eyelashes, but now she was back to the flashy look she had until about half a year ago.

"Hey, where did you decide on, Rira? As for me..."

What spilled from her lips was the name of a major corporation. My heart grew cold and still.

"...I haven't decided yet."
"Huh? Seriously? Still...? Sorry, I guess."

Saying that, Kana walked away as if to erase her presence. She should have been able to tell if she had just looked properly. At my appearance, still in a recruitment suit, which had become increasingly rare.

As I watched Kana's back receding into the distance, I clenched my teeth.

I had always disliked Kana.

She would crash at my place the moment she missed the last train. She always had a boyfriend, and she was constantly skipping university for dates. When exam season came around, she would barge into my place, copy my notes without asking, and then end up getting much better grades than I did.

It makes me feel like an idiot for taking things seriously.

I finished my only first-period class and headed to the station.

I had another interview today. The joint of my little finger ached terribly. For the short time until the train arrived, I sat on a bench and eased the pain by only sliding my heels into my pumps.

The matte-textured black pumps were something I had bought at a shoe store.
They hurt so much the moment I put them on that when I told the clerk, "It seems like the size doesn't fit," she narrowed her eyes at me.

"They definitely fit. It's better if they're a bit tight. They'll break in."
"But they're a bit too painful, I might not be able to walk..."
"Look. Every woman puts up with the pain."

She said that, pointing to the stiletto heels she was wearing herself.

"The ones I'm recommending to you are completely different from these heels, aren't they?"

She pointed to the thick, low heels.

"Anyway, this is your size, ma'am."

Looking back now, I should have stopped right there.
I just let myself be swept along and bought them. I've been wearing them for over 10 months since then, but the pumps never broke in, and every day when I got home, my little toes were covered in blood.

The interview that day was near Shusuke's office. We were meeting at an Italian chain restaurant. While waiting for him, I looked over the notes I had prepared for my next interview once more.

"Sorry, did I keep you waiting?"

Shusuke walked in. Whether I was writing my entry sheet or preparing for an interview, he patiently helped me, even while saying, "It's been so long, I've forgotten all about it."

"Hey, why did you join your current company, Shu-chan?"

When I asked, he narrowed his eyes, looking a bit embarrassed.

"Hmm, I thought it was a job where I could be close to people."

"Because it's rooted in everyday life?"

"That's part of it. But, I guess you could call it the company culture. During the information session, there was a workshop where participants discussed properties with each other. That's when I heard about 'wants' and 'needs'."

Shusuke took a sip of water.

"A 'want' is a desire. For example, wanting a three-burner stove or wanting to live in a south-facing room with good sunlight. And a 'need' is the bare minimum. In other words, things that are taken for granted by the person themselves."

"Hmm. Like being built within the last 10 years?"

"Needs are different for everyone. For example, let's say someone who has a 'want' for a stylish, spacious kitchen and a large balcony for a home garden moves into a property. It's close to the station and has 24-hour trash disposal."

I nodded, saying "Yeah," and took a sip of the all-you-can-drink soup.

"But after living there, they realize, 'The supermarket was too far away.' That person's latent need is cooking. Because they love to cook, they go to the supermarket often. It's precisely because it's something they took for granted and never felt inconvenienced by before that they aren't even aware of it themselves."

"I see..."

I nodded.

"If you don't notice their needs, it leads to regret that the property wasn't what they thought it was. Drawing out what they aren't even aware of themselves—that's what I find rewarding, you know."

Shusuke's eyes sparkled as he answered, and in that moment, I realized what I was lacking.

I prefer studying or doing housework over working. What I lack is surely passion.

"Well, I'm off."

I started walking in the opposite direction of Shusuke, who was heading back to his office. To my 50th company. To take my final interview.

The following week, I received a phone call.

I had failed the final interview I had finally managed to reach. I had answered properly. I had dug deep and approached it with the determination to work there.

I should have been able to answer every question without hesitation.

"...I will provide feedback for your future reference."

The HR employee on the other end of the line didn't just end it with a rejection letter.
Without me even asking, they began to explain the reason I was rejected.

"Regarding you, Ms. Mikami, four out of our seven executives who interviewed you recommended you. However, one person expressed concern. It was that you are too thin... They wondered if there might be mental health issues, or if you would be able to perform properly. Because of that opinion, we could not offer you a position."

When told that, I wondered how I was supposed to use that for the future.
My long, long job hunt had been days of constant self-denial. Of course, I admit there were things I lacked. I have no passion. I can't even pretend to have passion.

Amidst all that, my weight had gradually dropped.
Recently, I had only been able to eat things like soup and salad.

Did they expect me to suddenly gain weight in the few remaining days of my job hunt to get hired? If it was something I couldn't do anything about myself, I didn't need the feedback. Do they think that telling me the reason for rejection is a sign of sincerity?

I couldn't see it that way. It felt like nothing more than an attack using their position as an HR representative.

The next morning.
Even after waking up, I couldn't move my body. Even the golden light filtering through the gap in the curtains, which I had kept closed, was blinding.

The laundry is draped over the back of a chair, though I can't remember when I hung it up.

On the desk sits a half-finished bottle of mineral water and a notepad where I had started to write my statement of purpose before stopping. The air felt somewhat dusty, and every time I inhaled, the back of my throat felt gritty.

And then, I became unable to leave my room.

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