The Dream I Grasped / What I Saw Beyond It / Thoughts on My Infertility Treatment Experience #4

Continuation of this article

Second In Vitro Fertilization / Pregnancy Test

The embryo transfer was completed safely, and I returned home two days later. After coming home, while I went about my daily life, my heart was restless... I measured my basal body temperature every day. I felt relieved every time I confirmed it was high, but before my expected period, I had some bleeding, and I felt down, thinking it hadn't worked this time either. However, having two more frozen embryos gave me a positive outlook. The bleeding was slight and stopped immediately. Huh? My basal body temperature chart was still high... Could it be? No, that's impossible, right? My head was noisy and confused, but I made up my mind and took a pregnancy test. A positive result appeared immediately. Two weeks later, I visited the hospital. I was able to confirm the gestational sac. I was relieved it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy. Two weeks later

I visited the hospital again. Heartbeat confirmed. I couldn't rejoice completely because there was still a possibility of miscarriage, but I was happy. The first heartbeat confirmation. I gradually realized, 'I'm pregnant... I'm really pregnant.' After the next visit, I was told to go to the municipal office to get my Maternal and Child Health Handbook. The long-awaited handbook. I was so happy...

From Pregnancy to Childbirth

Even so, I couldn't feel at ease until the fifth month. The baby in my belly grew steadily, and I finally got to wear the maternity clothes I had longed for. I was even able to proudly buy the magazine I used to read, Hiyoko Club. The maternity clothes and Hiyoko Club that I had dreamed of. I was so happy that my mouth curled into a smile. In my heart,

I gave a fist pump! I used to look down because it was too painful to see pregnant women, but from this day on, I could look forward and walk with confidence.

The day I first felt the baby move. I could feel that the baby was truly alive, and tears of joy overflowed... I thought, 'I'm glad I worked this hard to get here.'

Every single part of preparing for childbirth was just pure joy. During my six-month checkup, I asked about the gender. While doing the ultrasound, Dr. Nosaka was talking about various things... I'll keep the gender a secret here 🤭. The ten months of pregnancy passed in the blink of an eye, and I returned to my parents' home for the birth. I gave birth safely five days before my due date. I arrived at the hospital at 11:00 PM. 'It will still take some time. Maybe around noon tomorrow?'

That's what they said, but at 1:58 AM, my first child was born. Thank you for being born 💕 Thank you for making me a mother 💕 No matter what happens, I will protect you 💕 Although tears wouldn't stop flowing, my heart was filled with happiness. While holding those tiny hands, I made a vow...

My husband met the baby the next day. He was nervous, holding the baby for the first time...

Seeing that, I felt happy... I was also thinking things like this...

Ah, I was finally able to have a child with him...

I was able to make him a father...

I was able to pass on his genes...

I felt relieved...

Things I Realized: To My Past Self. Three years after my ectopic pregnancy, I conceived through IVF and gave birth safely. During these three years, various things happened to me. Two surgeries in one year, emergency transport—I was so hurt in body and mind that I wondered if it was my unlucky year. Did I do something that bad? Is it because of bad deeds in a past life? Shouldn't my husband marry someone else? Is there any value in me living if I can't bear children? Can I never be happy? What is my existence? Why? Why am I the only one suffering? I couldn't even be happy for the pregnancies of friends and family. My heart was pitch black with jealousy... I hated myself for being such a terrible person. Even so, the reason I worked this hard was because of my strong desire to become a mother.

Because I had the desire. There were days when I felt like giving up, but I couldn't let go.

I wanted to see it through until I was satisfied...

but my heart was wearing thin. My mind and body were not in sync.

Back then, I didn't realize it, but now that I'm in my 50s, I've realized just how many people supported me,

cared for me, and loved me.

How precious a life I was blessed with...

I realized I hadn't noticed that I had already obtained what was truly important.

If I could speak to myself back then...

Calm down!! Look around you carefully. You are not alone.

It's okay to rely on others. You'll be fine. Everyone loves you.

Are you enjoying your infertility treatment? Try to enjoy it. Smile, I'd say...

I realized that infertility treatment was painful~

...

The infertility treatment that continues on.

Wanting a second child.

Transferring frozen embryos.

In a tunnel with no visible exit, I still did my best.

The infertility treatment continues even after that...

To those undergoing infertility treatment

You have done nothing wrong.

You are already doing your best.

There will be days when you feel sad because you don't get the results you want...

There will be nights when you can't sleep because of anxiety about how long this will last...

Every time you hear news of a friend or colleague's pregnancy, you may feel helpless or impatient...

Sometimes, you might take your frustration out on your husband...

There will be days when you feel self-destructive...

It's okay to feel that way sometimes...

You don't have to deny those feelings about yourself...

If your heart is a little tired, it's okay to take a break...

On nights when you want to cry, it's okay to cry until you're satisfied...

You are not alone...

Are you able to enjoy your infertility treatment?

It's an ordinary daily life, but are you able to find happiness in it?

If you change your perspective just a little, you can notice a world overflowing with love.

I have experienced infertility treatment. That's why I truly understand how you feel.

I am also still in the middle of facing myself.

But I believe this learning is something that lasts a lifetime.

Things that only I can convey...

I vaguely wanted to encourage someone as a counselor.

I was thinking about who I wanted to reach and what my strengths were.

I want to convey this to you who are working hard through infertility treatment, and to you who are raising children...

Because for the sake of the future of our precious, precious children,

why don't we adults change first?

May this reach someone's heart...

Thank you for reading until the end💕

I hope this serves as a hint or something you can take away.

I would be happy if you could like or follow me💕