I want to be alone, I don't want to be alone. #128

If I were to write a user manual for myself,
the first thing I would write is this.

“I absolutely need time alone.”

That is how much
I struggle if I don't have time alone.

But, right below that, I would also write this.

“I don't want to be alone forever.”

Time spent with someone.

It should be fun, but
there is a part of me that wants to hide away somewhere.

Even though I am laughing with people I love dearly,
I am exhausted by the time I head home.

That is why I want to be alone.

But, after spending some time alone,
I then start wanting to see someone.

I have always
carried this contradiction.

But recently,
I thought that maybe this isn't a contradiction.

The feeling of wanting to be alone,
and the feeling of not wanting to be.

It is not that one is my true feeling
and the other is a lie.

They are two sides of the same coin.

I think both are me.

I like the time I spend with people.

But my heart is moved just as much.

The fun things,
the happy things,

“Was that way of saying it okay?”

“Did I get my point across properly?”

I carry all of that back home with me.

That is why
I need time alone.

To quiet my heart
and return myself to my original state.

Perhaps I,

want to be alone sometimes precisely because I don't want to be alone.
Because I want to keep laughing with the people I cherish

forever.
So that I can feel like I want to see someone again,

perhaps I am using my time alone
to settle my heart.
Maybe I am strange.

But both are me.

So today, too,

I will cherish my time alone,
and go to see someone again.

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