Neon Prayer, in the Murky Sea | NEON PRAYER - Dirty ocean ver.

If the sea were clean, perhaps my prayers would have reached clearly.

But that night, what spread across the bottom of the city was a murky sea that had absorbed the colors of the neon lights.

Righteousness, lies, kindness, and anger—everything was mixed together, and I could no longer tell which was which.

She was there, smiling.

With a face that looked like it was drowning.
Without being able to distinguish between tears and saltwater.
While making her fragile heart beat like a drum.

I haven't sunk yet.
She held onto that alone, like a prayer.

▶ The song that became the origin of this story

Neon Prayer, in the Murky Sea

The sea wells up from beneath the city.

Even when it's not raining, black water overflows from the drains, fills the subway stairs, and submerges the neon signs in the back alleys halfway.

No one is surprised.

In this city, when emotions exceed their limits, they turn into water.
Words swallowed.
Anger that couldn't be spoken.
Pain that was pretended not to be seen.
Small lies told to protect someone.

Things like that seep out from under our feet when night falls.

The murky sea belonged to everyone.
And so, it belonged to no one.

She was smiling while standing in the water up to her knees.

"I'm okay."

The voice that said that trembled just a little.

The people who are least okay are the ones who say they are okay.
She knew that better than anyone else.

Deep in her chest, her heart was beating violently.

Thump.
Thump.
Thump.

It was as if someone were knocking on a door from the inside.

Let me out.
I'm still here.
Don't let me sink.

She pressed her hand against her chest.

On the water's surface, many lights were swaying.
Pink. Blue. Purple. White.
The letters on the signs were shattered by the waves, losing all meaning.

LOVE, HATE, SALE, HELP—they had all turned the same color.

In the distance, only the bass of a sunken club was ringing out.
The music could no longer be heard.
Only the vibrations, like the wreckage of a kick drum, were traveling up from the bottom of the water.

Thump.
Thump.
Thump.

The sound of her heartbeat and the sound of the city were blending together.

"You can't survive on pretty words alone."

Someone had told her that once, a long time ago.

It was true, indeed.

Kindness alone cannot defeat someone holding a blade.
Righteousness alone cannot reach someone who is good at lying.
Prayer alone cannot make what has sunk float back up.

She, too, had once hurt someone with her kindness.

She said, "It's okay," and underestimated the other person's pain.
She said, "I understand," when in reality, she didn't understand at all.
She wanted to help.
She wanted to save them.
But those words weren't a life preserver; they were like a wet cloth, stifling the other person's mouth.

That person smiled at the very end.

With the same face she had.

It was the face of someone who was not okay, pretending to be okay.

Since then, she could no longer fully believe in her own kindness.

She had thought kindness was light. But sometimes, it becomes a blade.
Hands meant to embrace can sometimes block someone's path to escape.

Even so, she couldn't throw it all away.

Perhaps it would be easier if she did.
If she didn't try to save anyone, perhaps she wouldn't have to hurt anyone.
If she didn't believe in anything, perhaps she wouldn't be betrayed.

But the moment I threw it away, I felt like I was sinking into the sea right to my core.

She walked.

The water was up to her waist.
Even though it was cold, her senses were becoming strangely sharp.

Plastic bags tangled around her ankles.
The screen of a submerged smartphone.
Someone's shoe.
A broken umbrella.
A student ID with the name faded away.

All sorts of things are sunk in this sea.

Justice was sunk here too.
Lies were sunk here too.
Kindness was sunk here too.
Words that hurt someone and words that saved someone were swaying in the same murkiness.

The things that have lost their names sink the easiest in this sea.

She stopped just once.

Her own face was reflected on the water's surface.

She was smiling.

It was a terrible face.
She was crying, yet smiling.
She was in pain, yet pretending to be fine.
She had a face that wanted to be found by someone, yet would be troubled if she were.

"What am I doing?"

Saying it out loud made her feel a little better.

At that moment, water splashed up to her throat.

She coughed.
Salty water entered her mouth.
It tasted like something she couldn't tell apart from tears or the sea.

As she tried to inhale, she suddenly forgot her own name.

Who am I again?

It definitely existed.
There was a sound that used to call it.
Someone called it while laughing.
There were days it was called in an angry voice.
There were nights it was called while crying.

And yet, in the water, it was all coming undone.

I can't remember my name.

Without a name, only the pain remains.
I lose track of whose pain it is.
I lose track of who is doing the praying.

The water rose to my chest.

She gasped for air desperately.

Thump.
Thump.
Thump.

Only her heart was still calling out to her.

Instead of a name.
Instead of words.
Instead of an answer from God.

I am still here.

That is what it was beating.

She gritted her teeth and moved forward.

A light flickered in the distance.

An old neon sign remained on the roof of a half-sunken building.
The name of the shop was no longer legible.
But a fragment of the broken letters was still blinking.

PRAYER

A prayer.

She laughed.

"God has probably logged out by now, right?"

There was no reply.

That was to be expected.

Even so, she began to swim toward that light.

The water was heavy.
Her clothes clung to her, and her breathing grew shallow.
Every time the murky waves splashed over her face, words from the past popped in her ears.

It's okay.
I understand.
I want to help.
I'm sorry.
It wasn't a lie.
But it wasn't enough.

I didn't have the luxury of thinking about what was right.
Who was to blame, what to forgive, what to hate—all of that could wait until later.

For now, it was just about not sinking.

Moving forward.

Wanting to stay here, even in this mess.

That alone was all I could manage.

When she reached the bottom of the neon sign, she placed her hands on the edge of the rooftop.

Her fingertips slipped.
Her nails cracked.
The taste of blood spread in her mouth.

It tastes like being alive, she thought.

It isn't pretty.
It isn't kind, either.
But it was, without a doubt, her own taste.

She pulled her wet body up and collapsed onto the rooftop.

The sky was pitch black.
No stars were visible.
There was no God.
There was no answer from anyone.

Only the heartbeat still echoing deep within her chest.

Thump.
Thump.
Thump.

It sounded like a prayer.

With her wet hand, she touched the broken neon sign.

The letters of PRAYER flared brightly for just a moment.

That light did not reach the sky.
The sea did not become clean.
The world's murkiness did not vanish.

Even so, she thought.

Prayers that don't reach still remain if you don't delete them.

Words that couldn't be sent.
Apologies that couldn't be spoken.
A light, too late, for someone who couldn't be saved.
A voice saying "I am here" that didn't even reach herself.

They all remained deep in her chest, like an unsent folder.

Heavy.
In the way.
Painful.
Maybe if she deleted them, she would feel a little better.

But she didn't delete them.

The pain.
The anger.
The kindness. The contradictions.
The weakness of not being able to fully hate someone.
And that troublesome core that still wants to save someone.

Holding onto it all, she breathed.

Above the murky sea.
Under the broken neon.
Still letting a prayer that might never reach anyone ring out within her chest.

Before long, the breath she exhaled fell onto the water's surface.

A small ripple spread out.

The murky sea remained as murky as ever.
But only the edges of that ripple caught the neon light and shone, just a little.

It was too small to be called salvation, but it was proof that she hadn't sunk.

She smiled once more.

This time, with a face that was just a little more real.

These fragments are
collected in "Fragments of Raika & Rei."

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