[Novel] The God of the Little Finger - ⑩ Pedicure, again

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When I came to my senses, I was standing still in the entrance of my apartment.

I blinked a few times to clear the afterimages, took off my shoes, headed to the living room, and placed my phone on the dining table.

The room looked emptier than usual. It reflected my inner self, where neither Kozue-san, the little finger, nor the god existed.

To warm up the desolate space, I made some black tea with the pot. While I flipped the hourglass and let the tea leaves unfurl, I began preparing for a pedicure. To calm myself down.

After removing all the color with nail polish remover, I shaped each nail one by one with a file. Then, as I applied the base coat, I gazed at my silent little finger.

The physical little finger was still here, unchanged. But it no longer held the shadow of being something 'sacred'.

Yes, a little finger without a god is like a funeral without a body. It might even be like me without a 'me'.

It functions even if it's not there, but the substance as a realization or reality is lost. Like a marionette that has lost its soul, surviving while no longer functioning.

Such melancholy thoughts were interrupted by the chime of my phone on the table.

A message from Kakeru. Before I could open it, a notification appeared on the screen: 'I'm sorry, I said too much.'

— Words as blunt as him.

I set down the base coat, wrapped my hands around the cup, and took a sip of the warm tea. And then I remembered. That summer day. After we spoke for the first time at the bookstore, I drank iced tea and talked with him.

Even if the temperature on my tongue was different, the aroma made the time I spent with Kakeru stir from deep within my skin. Even though we are so far apart, when I close my eyes, his scent rises up vividly.

— That person perceives things differently than I do.

But now that Kozue-san is gone, I can understand a little of what Kakeru meant by 'right,' and how much I had been captured by her.

Besides, I don't think he would hurt me out of malice like Kozue-san's husband did, but...

Whether that is a conviction or a blind belief, I lack a bit of certainty because when we are together, I am overwhelmed by something Kakeru possesses.

I returned the cup to the table and dropped LES MAINS HERMÈS 85 (Carmine) onto the base coat on my thumb. I felt relieved as the redness lit up the blank space.

- Blank

I was looking at Kozue-san, who was gone, through the blank space of my little fingernail. Perhaps I am clinging to Kakeru and his strength, trying to fill that emptiness.

It is my own empty self that I should be staring at and facing. I was trying to fill my own void with someone else.

Tears graze my eyelashes and flow down. At a time like this, the little finger that jokes around, nor the god that comforts me, will appear anymore.

No matter how far I go, I am alone, and I was hopelessly lonely. But with nowhere else to go, I descend into that loneliness.

The place I arrived at, beyond help, was a dimly lit funeral hall. Standing at the entrance, I passed through the empty aisle and walked toward the altar.

The surface of the memorial photograph was a mirror, reflecting my pale face. When she rolled up the sleeve of her blouse, the marks of the fingers Kakeru had gripped had turned into several blue bruises.

What the "me" in the mirror said to me.

What kind of wound
are you
looking away from?

At my feet, as I tried to wake from the midday dream, lay the remains of a burst and shattered balloon. When I stepped on the fragments, I heard "my" scream for the first time.

Startled, the moment I stopped the brush sliding over my ring fingernail, that scream was drowned out by the shrill ringing of my mobile phone.

The sound arriving from Kakeru
rings right in front of me
and echoes within me at the same time.

In those waves
I was swaying.

I could pick up the tone
and drown
in those nostalgic arms,

or I could follow the pain
and withdraw
from the dangerous flooding.

Without being able to
decide on either,

for a while,
I drifted vaguely.

After fleetingly savoring
some sweet memories,
days like chocolate,

leaving the falling tears
and the phone that kept ringing as they were,

I gently applied polish to my little finger.

Thank you for reading until the end.
😌Thank you from the bottom of my heart😌