The 'Visualization' I First Tried When I Felt 'I Want to Change But Can't'

The laughable, honest truth that I just want to sleep and get 100 million yen.

But don't you ever think that in a fleeting moment? I do.

I am 52 years old and have depression. While working at a Type A continuous employment support office, I make it a daily routine to post on social media and update my note.

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■ Writing down invisible reality on paper

It happened yesterday. I received a newsletter.

The title was 'Transforming Your Lifestyle Through Visualization and Redistribution'.

In it, the author, who had received 3 million yen level consulting from a venture company president, spoke about making the use of time, money, and energy visible = visualization.

Just that. But the moment I read it, my body reacted with a jolt.

Until now, while I said I wanted to change, I had no idea what I was specifically spending my time on, what I was paying money for, and what I was pouring my heart into.

I spent my days aimlessly, and before I knew it, a week had passed. Before I knew it, a year had passed. I wanted to tell my past self, 'First, try putting it into a visible form.'

The author wrote the following.

• 'Please write down on paper how you spend your 24 hours.'

• 'Please turn how you spend your monthly income into numbers.'

• 'Please try organizing where you are pouring your energy.'

I tried it too. It was a task like facing my fears. However, when I did it, I could clearly see how vaguely I had been living my days.

• 6 hours of sleep. 3 hours for meals and bathing.

• 6 hours for work at the Type A continuous employment support office and commuting.

• 3 hours for writing notes and posting on social media.

• 2 hours for reading and studying.

The remaining time was spent looking at my smartphone, doing point-earning activities, or lying down watching TV.

I was surprised by how much time I was letting slip by without even realizing it.

Before I knew it, I was just spending my days trying to 'distract' myself from my fatigue and anxiety.

Looking back, my spending habits were much the same.

Even if it was just a small amount, I would spend it on little things at the convenience store. That might seem trivial.

But the reality was that, as a result of those things piling up, I hadn't invested in anything at all.

Energy is the same. There were days when I would push myself too hard on the Note and social media posts I wanted to be passionate about, only to end up ruining my health.

On the other hand, I was overly sensitive to the evaluations and reactions of those around me, wasting my energy unnecessarily.

By visualizing things, my current situation finally began to 'take shape.' It is painful to put into words, but this was my 'current location.'

■ The 'Now' card that connects the past and the future

The author of the newsletter continued by writing this:

'Visualize the past, present, and future, all through the axes of time, money, and energy.' he said.

Honestly, looking back at the past was painful. The time when I dropped out of university, ruined my health, couldn't work, and wished to be needed by someone, yet couldn't become anyone. They were days I didn't want to remember.

However, as I wrote it all down on paper, I also realized something.

Back then, I just didn't know how to change, even though I wanted to. I tried too hard to force myself, and in doing so, I broke myself instead. I just wanted someone to acknowledge me. That was all it was.

Facing the past is scary. But perhaps it was because I was looking away from it that I have this 'feeling of being stuck' right now.

Among those who have read this Note this far, there might be some who are thinking 'I want to change' but are unable to take action.

To those people, there is something I would like to tell them now.

'First, get a pen and paper. Then, try writing down your 24 hours, your monthly spending, and your daily energy allocation.' I would say.

Just doing that will surely change something.

I haven't accomplished anything yet. But as I write this now, I feel a sense of 'rebooting' within myself, little by little.

This note is not a list of my hardships. It is for the small realizations of someone who wishes to change their tomorrow.

■ Redistribution begins with the courage to re-examine

Yesterday's newsletter said this:

'After visualization, you must redistribute.' it said.

Redistribution means reallocating the time, money, and energy you possess in a different way than before. In other words, it means 'changing how you use them now in order to change the future.'

When I read that, I instinctively stopped what I was doing.

'What kind of distribution am I living with right now?'
'Will this change the future?'

Just by re-asking myself those questions, my heart felt restless.

The author expressed it as:

• 'Time is 48 cards of 30 minutes each'

• 'Money is 20 cards of 10,000 yen each'

• 'Energy is 20 cards of 5% each'

That expression was very impressive.

How am I actually using my 48 time cards? How many cards am I using just to scroll through social media on my phone? Even when I was lying down because I felt unwell, I was just closing my eyes and not really thinking about anything... Just imagining how I use them made my chest tighten.

Of course, since I only read it yesterday, I haven't progressed to actually reallocating them yet. But I feel that 'having the time to think about how to redistribute' is itself the entrance to change.

Redistribution is not just about actually reallocating.

The act of asking yourself, 'Is this current distribution okay?' before that point—I think there is great meaning in that.

■ The future can be created by 'reorganizing the resources you have now'

Time, money, and energy do not suddenly increase. In fact, there are probably more people who feel that they are only decreasing.

That is precisely why redistribution is important.

Reorganizing limited resources in a direction that improves your future. That is a small challenge anyone can take on.

The author said, 'People who do not spend time, money, or energy on changing their lives will ultimately change nothing.'

I instinctively straightened my posture at those words.

Having just read it yesterday, I haven't reached the point of action yet, but I want to believe that being able to think 'I cannot go on like this' is the first step.

'How can I repurpose what I currently have?'

I believe that even just thinking about that seriously will cause the future to start moving, little by little.

■ If you really want to change, the time 'before you try' is what matters most

I keep remembering the newsletter I read yesterday. What left a particularly strong impression on me was the sentence, 'What you learn will not blossom unless you put it into action.'

I am currently in that very 'time before taking action.' However, I strongly feel that this 'preparatory stage' is actually extremely important.

The reason is that, until now, I was always impatient, thinking I had to 'get results immediately.' Even if I made a plan, I would blame myself if I couldn't execute it well. And in the end, I would just quit.

But after reading this newsletter, I thought:

'Perhaps I should first take the time to thoroughly savor the idea of trying to redistribute things.'

Just being able to think that way makes me feel like the center of gravity of my thinking has shifted, even if only slightly.

Before, I would act while thinking, 'It's probably impossible anyway.' But now, I am thinking, 'If I really want to change, what should I do?'

Don't rush, but don't stop. I want to cherish this 'preparatory stage' with that kind of stance.

■ 'Changing' means gradually reorganizing your daily life

When we talk about changing our lives, we tend to imagine some major turning point or dramatic event. But thanks to the newsletter I read yesterday, I realized that was an illusion.

The author said, 'Life is determined by the allocation of time, money, and energy.' In other words, it is not dramatic events, but the choices we make in how we use these things daily that shape our future.

Come to think of it, the time I am spending writing this note right now is also a part of redistribution. By using energy on this note, my thoughts are being organized, and something is beginning to change.

Instead of playing games on your phone before bed, take just five minutes to look back and ask, 'What did I spend my time on today?' Those five minutes will eventually become the foundation that changes your future.

Thinking that way gave me a sense of hope.

To change your life, you must first re-examine the moments of your daily routine. That is the first step toward redistribution.

'Is this ten minutes connected to my future?'

While asking myself that question, little by little, but surely, I want to rebuild who I am right now.

■ The weight of that one step: Deciding to 'truly change'

The morning after reading that newsletter, I sat at my desk in the morning light with a feeling completely different from my previous notes.

The me of today is a little different from the me of the past.

Until yesterday, I was just a person wishing to change. But now, even if only slightly, I am sitting here as a person who has decided to 'change'.

This change, even if invisible to others, is clearly apparent to me.

That is precisely because of the days I spent struggling for so long.

When I had depression and couldn't work, there was a time when I felt like a worthless existence and couldn't stop crying in bed. There were nights I spent staring at the ceiling, feeling like I had lost everything and wondering, 'Why me?'

But I have come to realize that even that time was not wasted.

Because of that pain, I was able to decide, 'I will rebuild how I use my time, money, and energy from now on for my own sake.'

And I am writing this note with the hope that this determination might, even in the smallest way, encourage someone else who is suffering in the same way.

■ Action begins with just a tiny step

The me of the past used to believe that action meant 'doing big things.' But that was wrong.

When you wake up in the morning, remember yesterday's newsletter and make time to think for just five minutes. Try writing down the time you felt was wasted during the day in a memo pad. Before going to bed, try adding just one thing you want to pour your energy into to tomorrow's schedule.

Such small actions are enough.

What is important is todecide to 'reconstruct your own life' and start walking.

I am still inexperienced and make mistakes all the time. Even updating my note is a constant series of anxieties every day. But here I am, writing this.

This fact is the greatest proof of all.

I am trying to visualize my time, money, and energy, and little by little, rearrange them with my own hands.

I still don't know the perfect allocation. But I am living a today that is different from yesterday. And you, too, can surely change something starting today.

There is no need to change everything right now.

First, please notice your own 'single card.' If it's time, just 30 minutes. If it's money, just 500 yen. If it's energy, just 5% of your day today.

Please try gently offering that to your future.

Thank you very much for reading until the end.

If you would like, could you share your thoughts with me?

Please let me hear your voice—which passage stayed with you, or what realizations you had.

Also, receiving a 'like' or a follow would be the greatest encouragement.

I hope to continue helping you all with your growth.

As companions who can grow together, I look forward to our continued journey.