February Summary of Cluster Headaches | Paternity Leave Dad's Attack Frequency and Honest Feelings | Cluster Headache Diary #9
February began with a bout of gastroenteritis and the recurrence of my cluster headaches.
February 18th. For the first time in three years, that pain returned.
My daughter is three months old.
The recurrence during my paternity leave was scarier than I had imagined.
February Attack Pattern
Twice a day (three times on bad days).
・Midnight to 2:00 AM
・4:00 AM to 6:00 AM
・2:00 PM to 4:00 PM
The times have become fairly consistent.
Since I can only use the Imigran nasal spray twice a day, and it's a hassle to go back to the hospital if I run out, I have been using home oxygen therapy as much as possible while at home.
However, home oxygen has its drawbacks; it makes some noise when you turn it on. Since my daughter is three months old, there is a possibility that she will wake up when I start it.
If my attack happens to coincide with my daughter's nighttime feeding, I will use it, but I refrain from using it when she is sleeping. Sometimes, the fear of waking her up is greater than the pain itself.
The fear of being a burden to my family
My cluster headaches recurred on February 18th, but that day also happened to be the day of my daughter's 'okuizome' (first meal ceremony) and shrine visit.
I had attacks at 2:00 AM and 6:00 AM, but I was able to stay energetic as usual during the day. Because of that, I managed to get through it.
After that, friends of mine and my wife's came over to the house, and we had plans for them to meet our daughter. I managed to get through it without having to cancel.
However, we had plans on the 27th to go out and hang out with a friend's family, and that was quite a high hurdle, so I ended up canceling.
I felt incredibly sorry. Even though it's an illness, I can't help but think, 'it's my fault again.' I also felt pathetic as a father.
However, on the 27th, my wife went out with her grandmother to buy Hina dolls, so I had to handle childcare alone for a while, but I managed to put her to sleep, change diapers, and feed her milk.
My cluster headache attacks have returned for the first time in three years, and the situation is different from back then. I was quite panicked.
After going to the hospital, getting medication, and having home oxygen installed, I still have some anxiety, but I am starting to grasp the rhythm of this life little by little.
There are my wife's honest feelings (for details, see 'Cluster Headache Diary #6 | My Wife's Honest Feelings Really Stung'),
and a distance has formed between me and my daughter. If things continue like this, it will cause a rift in our family relationship.
While I have that fear, I want to make sure I don't leave my wife to handle childcare alone during the times I'm feeling well and not having attacks, and I want to actively communicate with my daughter.
In conclusion
To those who also suffer from cluster headaches, this illness is truly terrifying because once you have it, it will come back again someday.
Moreover, in the past, there was little information, so I felt incredibly lonely.
I felt incredibly lonely.
Moreover, there was little information in the past, so I felt incredibly lonely.
I felt incredibly lonely.
Nowadays, I often see people sharing their experiences on various social media platforms.
Cluster headaches go beyond the level of just being 'really painful,' so please do not endure it and first visit a specialized hospital. With proper treatment, a path forward will surely open up.
To those who read my February articles
Because this was a heavy topic like cluster headaches, and in the unique environment of raising a child, I wrote these articles as a daily record.
I will continue this record in March as well.
Even if I am in pain, I will not stop being a father.
I would be happy if this could be even a little bit of support for someone else fighting the same battle.
To everyone who read my February articles,
thank you so very much.
For those who are also experiencing cluster headaches,
I would be happy if you could tell me how you spend your time. Likes and comments are also very welcome.
※ For those reading this diary for the first time
Thank you for reading this far.
👉 This diary is a record starting from the day my cluster headaches recurred.
You can read the continuation here
▶ Cluster Headache Diary #10 (Next Article)
If you want to read them all from the beginning, click here
▶ Cluster Headache Diary Series (List)
If you want to know about coping methods and mechanisms, click here
▶ Cluster Headache Textbook Series
For the reality of daily life and family, click here
▶ Parenting Dad Diary Series