The Night My Wife's Words Pierced Me | Still, I Understand | Cluster Headache Diary #6

The words my wife said to me last night are still lingering in my heart.
I know she isn't blaming me.
I know those words came from worry and anxiety.

Even so—they pierced me.
The truer the words, the more gently and deeply they pierce.

Since my cluster headaches returned,
I feel like the atmosphere in our family has gradually changed.

Today, I want to write about that reality.

My physical condition since entering February

From the beginning of February, I was down for a week with gastroenteritis. Immediately after that, the cluster headaches returned.

By that time, my wife's solo parenting time had increased significantly. Night crying, housework, and childcare during the day.

She was handling almost everything by herself.
Yesterday, my wife suddenly burst into tears.

“I'm exhausted”

When I saw her like that,
only then,
did I realize she had reached her limit.

The distance between me and my daughter

Lately, my daughter doesn't smile at me much.
Before, she would smile when I talked to her,
or make sounds.

Now, her reactions are weak.
Sometimes she even starts crying suddenly when I read her a picture book.

Yesterday, my wife said this to me.

“You don't seem to be enjoying childcare, do you?”

It wasn't a blaming tone.
But it pierced my heart deeply.
Because it was true.

I know

That I relied on YouTube.
That I left her to toys.
That I didn't have the capacity to face her properly.
I know it all.

But,
living in fear that a cluster headache attack might come,
honestly, there were days when just surviving was all I could do.

“You have the energy to write on note, don't you?”

That, too, was a fair point.
That is exactly why it was so painful.

True feelings

Am I a failure as a father?
I seriously thought that yesterday.

Even so, I love my daughter very much.
In truth, I want to face her properly.

Moreover, my paternity leave will end in about a month.
I feel anxious, too.

Finally

Logical arguments are not wrong.
But for someone with no room left to spare, they sometimes become a blade.

My wife was at her limit, too.
She told me that clearly.

I'm sorry for making you push yourself.
Even so, I want to face my daughter properly once more.

Even if she can't smile at me right now,
I want to believe that I can win her back.

For those experiencing the same cluster headaches,
I would be happy if you could tell me how you spend your time. Likes and comments are also very welcome.

*For those reading this diary for the first time

Thank you for reading this far.

👉 This diary is a record starting from the day my cluster headaches recurred.

You can read the continuation here
▶ Cluster Headache Diary #7 (Next Article)

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