Introducing the surprising and dramatic actions of Dostoevsky, a husband deeply moved by witnessing the birth of his first child!

“What I remember with gratitude is how my husband took such heartfelt care of my pregnant body, and since I was inexperienced and unaware, he constantly paid attention to ensure I refrained from sudden movements that would be harmful. No matter how kind a mother might be, she could not have been as attentive to me as he was at that time.”

“After arriving in Geneva, as soon as we received our first remittance, my husband suggested I see a top-tier obstetrician and asked that doctor to introduce a midwife who would take care of me and visit once a week.”

“A month before the birth, I had an opportunity to learn just how carefully my husband was looking after me, and I was deeply moved.”

“One day, Mrs. Barrow (the midwife) came and asked if I had any acquaintances living in the same city, saying she saw my husband in that area. I thought it was strange, but I assumed it must be a case of mistaken identity. When I asked my husband, he pretended not to know at first, but this is what I found out.”

“Mrs. Barrow lived on one of the many streets leading uphill from Rue de la Corraterie, the commercial center of Geneva. All the streets were steep slopes where carriages did not pass, and furthermore, they were so similar that they were confusing. So, my husband decided to take a walk there, thinking that if he had to call her in a hurry, he wouldn't know the way at night. After reading the newspaper, he made it a daily routine to walk past Mrs. Barrow’s house and go five or six houses further before returning.”

“He had been doing this for three months, and during that time, it could not have been easy for him to climb the steep slopes with his body, which was beginning to suffer from asthma. But no matter how much I begged him, he would not stop those walks. When the time finally came for the birth, it proved useful, and he was so proud when he arrived home straight away while it was still dark in the morning and brought her back.”
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“In addition to the novel work that continued without rest, various worries piled up, and winter passed in the blink of an eye, and the time for the birth, which I had been waiting for—or rather, was worried to death about—arrived in February 1868.”

“At the beginning of the year, wonderful weather continued in Geneva, but in mid-February, it changed suddenly, and fierce winds began to blow every day.”

“The sudden change in weather had a bad effect on my husband’s nerves as usual, and he had epileptic seizures twice in a short period. (*Blog author’s note: Dostoevsky had a chronic illness of epilepsy. Regarding this, see the article ‘(6) Anna Dostoevskaya witnesses the epileptic seizures that Dostoevsky suffered from throughout his life’’)

“The second one on the night of February 20th was very severe, and he was so drained that he couldn't even stand when he woke up in the morning. That day, my husband was dazed and very weak, so I suggested he sleep as soon as possible, and he fell asleep at seven.”

“Less than an hour later, labor pains began. At first, they weren't that bad, but they grew stronger every hour. It was a unique pain, so I knew the birth was near. I endured it for about three hours, but I finally became anxious about being all alone, and although it was truly pitiful to worry my sick husband, I had no choice but to wake him up. My husband immediately lifted his head from the pillow.”

“‘What’s wrong, Anechka?’”

“‘It seems it has started, it is very painful.’”

“‘Poor Anya,’ my husband said very gently, but he suddenly put his head back on the pillow and fell asleep immediately.”

“I was moved by that truly gentle tone, but at the same time, I felt that I was all alone.”

“In this state, I knew it was impossible to go to the midwife. On the contrary, I had to let him sleep to recover his exhausted nerves, or another seizure might occur.”

“The people in the house were out as usual (everyone went out from the morning and spent every night at some gathering), and the maid could not be relied upon.”

“Fortunately, the pain subsided a little, so I decided to endure it as much as possible. But what a terrifying night I spent. The trees around the church rustled violently, the wind and rain beat against the windows, and the outside was wrapped in black darkness.”

“To be honest, at that time, I felt completely isolated and helpless. How painful it was to have to spend such a difficult time without any close relatives by my side, and even though I had my husband, my only protector, I couldn't get any help from him. I began to pray earnestly to God, and only prayer supported the strength that was about to be lost.”

“As dawn approached, the pain increased, and around seven o'clock, I finally decided to have my husband wake up.”

“My husband, who had woken up, had regained quite a bit of energy. He was very surprised to learn that I had suffered all night, blamed me for not waking him up sooner, and immediately changed his clothes and ran out to call Mrs. Barrow.”

“The maid there, who finally appeared at the doorbell, said that her mistress had just returned from a guest and would not wake her up.”

“Fyodor Mikhailovich threatened that he would keep ringing the bell, and if that didn't work, he would break the glass. He finally managed to wake her up and returned with her more than an hour later.”

“I was scolded by her for various things I had done without knowing, and she said that the birth would be at least seven or eight hours away, and she would surely come by then, and she went home. My husband went out to call for an attendant. Thus, my husband and I waited for what would happen in great fear and sorrow.”

“But Mrs. Barrow did not come at the promised time, so he had to go pick her up again. However, she was out, having been invited to dinner at a friend’s house near the station. My husband went as far as there, asked her to come and see me, and brought her back.”

“According to her, the birth was at a slow pace, so it would take until the middle of the night. And after giving me a few instructions, she went back to eat. Seeing me continue to suffer, my husband was very worried, and after nine o'clock, he could not bear it and rushed to Mrs. Barrow’s friend’s house.”

“She was playing Loto around the table, but my husband said that the pain was very severe, and if she wouldn't stay by my side, he would ask a doctor for another midwife who would fulfill her duties more properly. This word had an effect, and Mrs. Barrow reluctantly left the table she was absorbed in.”

“She said to me, exaggeratingly and repeatedly, ‘Oh my, these Russians, these Russians!’”

“My husband had to prepare a lively dinner, buying various delicacies, sweets, and wine to please her.”

“I was very happy to see my husband go to call the midwife, run around the shops, and prepare dinner, forgetting about me even a little.”

“The labor pains were painful, but it was even more unbearable to see my husband, who had just collapsed from a seizure, being affected by watching me suffer. Noticing the expression of agony and despair on his face that looked like he was about to cry, I was horrified that I might be on the verge of death.”

“Recalling my thoughts and feelings at that time, I don't think I pitied myself as much as I pitied my poor husband. Because I thought that if I died like this, my husband would surely be ruined.”

“At that time, I clearly understood how much boundless hope and expectation my husband had placed in me and the child to be born. If this hope were suddenly cut off, ruin was fully expected from his intense, unrestrained nature.”

“Finally, Mrs. Barrow, thinking that I might be too worried and excited about my husband, which might be delaying the birth, told my husband that he should no longer enter the room, as his flustered appearance would upset the mother’s condition.”

“He followed those words, but I was even more worried than before, and in the intervals when the pain receded, I asked the midwife and the attendant how my husband was doing. Each time, I was told that he was kneeling and praying, or that he was covering his face with both hands and lost in deep thought.”

“The pain increased with time. Sometimes I lost consciousness and then suddenly came to, surprised to see the black eyes of the midwife I didn't recognize staring at me, and I couldn't understand where I was or what was happening.”

“Finally, around 5:00 AM on February 22nd (Russian calendar), the pain stopped, and Sonya was born.”

“My husband told me later.”

“‘While I was constantly praying for you, I suddenly heard a strange cry in the intervals of your groans. It was definitely a child’s voice. I couldn't believe my ears, but the baby’s crying was heard repeatedly, and I knew that the child had finally been born. I was so happy that I stood up, forgetting myself, ran to the locked door, and pushed the door open with all my might.’ My husband began to kneel by the bed and kiss my hand. How happy I was that the pain was gone.”

“Both of us were completely moved, and for five to ten minutes, we didn't even know if the baby born was a boy or a girl. Then I heard one of the women who had come there ask, ‘It’s a boy, isn't it?’ Another woman replied, ‘It’s a girl, a lovely little girl!’”

“But both of us were happy whether it was a boy or a girl. We were so happy thinking that our dreams had come true and a new life, our first child, had been born.”

“Meanwhile, Mrs. Barrow wrapped the baby in swaddling clothes, carried her like a large white bundle, and offered us congratulations. My husband respectfully made the sign of the cross over Sonya, kissed her wrinkled little face, and said, ‘Anya, look, what a cute child.’ I also made the sign of the cross and kissed the baby. My husband’s face, filled with heartfelt joy and emotion, looked so happy that I had never seen it before, and I was so happy.”

“My husband was so happy that he hugged Mrs. Barrow and squeezed the attendant’s hand many times. The midwife told me that she had been doing this job for a long time, but she had never seen a father so excited and flustered, and she repeated again, ‘Oh my, these Russians, these Russians!’ She made the attendant go to the pharmacy to buy something and told my husband to stay by my side so I wouldn't sleep.*”

“*Fyodor Mikhailovich wrote various things about the feeling when his daughter was born in the scene of Shatov’s wife’s birth in ‘Demons.’”

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When our home life became somewhat more orderly, a life began that remains with me forever as my most pleasant memory. Above all, what was most happy was that my husband showed himself to be a gentle father. When it was time to bathe our daughter, he would always be by my side and help out with this and that. He would wrap her in a blanket himself, fasten it with safety pins, and hold her to put her to sleep. Even when he was at his desk, if he heard her crying, he would abandon his work and rush to her. When he woke up in the morning, or first thing when he returned from outside, he would ask, 'How is Sonya? Is she well? Did she sleep well? Did she drink her milk well?' He would spend hours by her bedside, singing songs and talking to her. By the time she was three months old, he wrote in a letter to Maikov dated May 18, 1868, that Sonechka could already understand us. 'This tiny, poor, innocent creature, only three months old, was already a human being with a personality to me. She had already begun to distinguish me, she liked me, and she would smile when I approached. She liked listening to me sing in a strange voice. When I kissed her, she would neither cry nor dislike it. She would stop crying when I approached.' *Line breaks added in some places for easier reading on smartphones, etc.

However, it was not for very long that we were able to enjoy a happiness without any discord. The two or three days from the beginning of May had wonderful weather. As the doctor strongly advised, we took the baby for a walk in the English Garden every day, and she would sleep in her carriage for two or three hours. One day, unfortunately, the weather changed suddenly during our walk, and a breeze began to blow. The baby seemed to have caught a cold, and that evening she developed a high fever and began to cough. We immediately had her seen by the best pediatrician, and the doctor visited every day and assured us there was nothing to worry about. Even just three hours before she breathed her last, he said she had improved significantly. Even though he was told that, my husband could not get any work done and stayed by the baby's side. Both of us were plunged into terrible anxiety, but our dark premonitions came true. On the afternoon of May 12 (Russian calendar), our precious Sonya breathed her last. I cannot describe the despair that struck us when we saw our lovely daughter stop moving. I was deeply shocked by her death, and while I was overcome with grief, I was even more worried about my unfortunate husband. My husband's sense of despair was particularly intense; he stood frozen before our lovely daughter who had turned cold, showered her pale little face and hands with hot kisses, and cried and sobbed like a woman. I had never seen such desperate grief before or since. We felt as if we could not possibly endure this sorrow. For two days, we did not leave each other's side for a moment. We went to various government offices to get a burial permit, prepared the things necessary for the burial, and dressed her in white satin attire and placed her in a small coffin lined with the same white cloth, all while shedding tears, and we carried it together, unable to hold back our tears. My husband's face was terrifying to look at; during the week Sonya was ill, his cheeks had completely sunken in and he had become emaciated. On the third day, we finished the funeral for this treasure of a child at the Russian church and buried her in an assigned plot at the Plainpalais Cemetery. A few days later, cypress trees were planted around the grave, and a white marble cross was erected in the center. And every day, we visited the grave, offered flowers, and shed tears. Parting with our precious, precious baby, whom we loved so passionately and on whom we had pinned our boundless dreams and hopes, was too painful for us! *Line breaks added in some places for easier reading on smartphones, etc.