For those aiming to be a modern dad: How to take the first step, based on real experience

“I want to be a modern dad. But I don’t know where to start.”

If that’s what you’re thinking, that’s wonderful.

“I have the desire, but I can’t move. Or when I try to move, it doesn’t go well.”

It’s okay. I was the same way at first.

In this article, I will talk openly about the “practical advice for becoming a modern dad” that I arrived at through trial and error.

Can you really become a modern dad?

I’ll start with the conclusion.

Of course you can. However, it doesn’t happen overnight.

“Change your mindset,” “Update your values”—you hear that kind of talk often, but changing your mindset alone won’t change anything. What’s important is to stack up small actions. That’s all there is to it.

I wasn’t perfect from the start myself. I started with taking out the trash, then moved on to cleaning, laundry, and taking charge of dinner—I gradually increased the things I did.

Before I knew it, a sense of “we are building a home together as a couple” had emerged. That is the result of small, consistent efforts.

Advice 1: First, accept that “what my wife can do, I can do too”

I believe this is the starting point for everything.

Cooking, laundry, cleaning, picking up and dropping off the kids—these are not “the wife’s job alone.” Saying “I can’t do it because I’ve never done it” is just an excuse.

If you’ve never done it, just try it. It takes time at first, and sometimes you won’t do it well. But your wife wasn’t able to do it from the start either.

First, stand on the premise that “I should be able to do it too.” If you don’t change this, nothing will begin.

Take out the trash, run the washing machine, wash the dishes—let’s start with simple things like that. Each one is small, but as you continue, they naturally become “your role.” I think the realistic way to do it is to increase the things you take ownership of little by little.

What’s important here is not to do things “because you were asked,” but to act proactively. And instead of “helping with your wife’s work” around the house, you should treat it as your own responsibility.

This difference in mindset is surprisingly apparent to your wife. As you start acting with a sense of ownership, the trust from your wife will gradually increase. When I realized that, I felt that our relationship as a couple had deepened by one level.

Advice 2: “Do what you can, when you can”

If you fix roles too rigidly, you will eventually hit a wall.

Even if you decide that 'the wife does dinner and I do the laundry,' there will be weeks with constant overtime or times when your wife falls ill. If you make things too rigid, it becomes a source of stress when the burden shifts to one side.

What my wife and I are conscious of is a simple rule: 'Do what you can, when you can.'

Of course, discussing and deciding on roles is also effective. But as a prerequisite, it is important to create a state where 'both of you can do everything.' I am convinced that this is the secret to a happy household.

However, it is impossible to do everything your wife does from the start. As I mentioned in Advice 1, start with small things one by one. You can gradually increase what you are capable of.

And as you become able to do more, strangely enough, you will also gain confidence. The feeling that 'I can actually do this' accumulates, and you gradually become more reliable as a father. That, in turn, leads to motivation.

Advice 3: Stop 'walking on eggshells' around your wife

This is something I learned from my own failures.

Reading your wife's facial expressions, watching her mood, apologizing if she seems angry—responding like that is nothing but stressful for both of you.

Walking on eggshells is just leaving the state of 'not knowing what the other person is thinking' unaddressed. Nothing gets solved.

What is important is putting it into words. Speak frankly about what you are thinking and what you want to convey to the other person. Have your wife express things clearly in words, too.

Rather than 'reading the air,' 'convey it in words.' If you are conscious of this, your relationship as a couple will clearly become easier.

And the more you exchange words, the deeper the trust between you as a couple will grow. When there is trust, it becomes easier to put things into words—that virtuous cycle is born. You will be able to express your feelings and requests to your partner more honestly than before.

Before you know it, exchanges like 'Can you do this?' or 'Could you do this for me?' will become natural and stress-free for both of you. As that accumulates, the entire household will run more smoothly. I believe that putting things into words is the best trick for making communication between a couple go smoothly.

You don't have to aim for perfection

If you have read this far, you already have the desire to 'change.' That is enough.

The first step can be small. Taking out the trash, doing the dishes, or going to the park with your child for 10 minutes. That alone will significantly lighten your wife's burden and stress, and deepen your trust and relationship.

There is no finish line on the road to becoming a modern dad. Continuing to update yourself little by little every day—I believe that is everything.

Let's do this together.

Modern Dad