Why I Didn't Give Up, Even While 'Unable to Do It'

* English summary is available at the end of this article.

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‥Well, that's enough of an introduction (lol)

Please proceed to the main story⇩(人>ω•*)💗

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Even while 'unable to do it',
why didn't I give up?

――I still cannot forget that day.

I couldn't say anything.

I couldn't convey anything.

In my head,
though I was overflowing with 'I want to say this',

what came out of my mouth

was only 'YES' or 'NO'.

That simple fact,
could it be this terrifying?

I learned that for the first time back then.

The other person was speaking to me kindly.

But I,
could not even respond to that kindness.

Even when asked something,
even when I had something I wanted to say,

I can't put it into words.

And before I knew it,

“Is this what you're trying to say?”

they would ask, and
my words would be replaced in the conversation
with something that wasn't mine.

But I couldn't correct them.

Frustration, shame, and

a sense of helplessness I couldn't do anything about.

That night,
I cried alone.

I hated English.

But at the same time,

“I want to be able to speak it.”

It was also a language I kept wishing I could speak.

That is precisely why that incident

wasn't just a failure,

but for me, it was “reality.”

But, strangely enough.

Even after experiencing that kind of “hell,”

I couldn't bring myself to fully hate English.

Why was that?

Looking back now,
there were a few 'small realizations' there.

👆 The first one

Until then, I thought,

I'm fine because I can get good scores on tests.
I'm fine because I understand it to some extent.

That's what I thought.

But in reality,

'Understanding'and'Being able to use'were
in completely different worlds.

Taking what is in your head
and putting it out.

Between those two,
there was a distance greater than I had imagined.

✌ The second one

What if I make a mistake?
It would be embarrassing if I couldn't get my point across.

By doing that,
I realized later that

I was stopping myself.

But actual conversation,

continues even if it's not perfect, and

in fact,

there are moments when you can communicate properly,
even while remaining imperfect.

Back then,
even with gestures or just single words,

the version of me that was desperately trying to communicate,

was truly part of the 'conversation',

I can think that now.

👌And, the third point

English in the classroom and
English in reality

were completely different things.

The speed, the phrasing,
the atmosphere, and the temperature.

But by placing myself in that environment,

little by little,
my ears got used to it,

little by little,
my senses began to change.

Staying there,
while still being the 'unable' version of myself.

That in itself
might have been the catalyst for change.

Perhaps.

Not being able to do something
is not about talent.

It might just be

that the 'method' or 'environment' didn't fit,
that's all.

And that

is not limited to just English.

I feel now that many of the things I thought I 'couldn't change'

might be the same.

But—

This alone

was not enough for me to change.

In the true sense,

the reason I changed to the 'side that can speak'

is another story entirely...

That story will come a little later—🌙

🐰Afterword

If there is someone right now

who feels the same way,

that they 'can't do it'.

That is not the end,

it might just be the 'middle'.

It's okay not to rush.

At your own pace,

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━━━ ✦Thank you for reading to the end.🙇✨✦ ━━━

For English Readers

(This is not a direct translation.
It is a condensed version that preserves the core philosophy.)

Why I didn’t give up on English,
even when I couldn’t speak at all

I once faced the “language barrier” for the first time.

I couldn’t speak.
I couldn’t express anything.

Even though I understood,
I couldn’t use it.

But I didn’t give up.

Because I realized:

Maybe,

it’s not about talent.

Maybe,

it’s just about how and where you learn.

And this applies not only to language,
but to life itself.

The real turning point…

That’s another story 🌙

━━━ ✦Thank you for reading to the end.🙇✨✦ ━━━