I Was Fine in a Dilapidated Apartment My Whole Life 28
Synopsis
The new white house I was so proud of is transforming into a trash heap. My father became an alcoholic, my mother vanished, and I became lonely.
---A woman looks back on her past.
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The infirmary door, slammed shut with such force by Aoi-chan, rebounded and opened about a third of the way again, as if the door itself were surprised. I watched Aoi-chan, who had left like a storm, creating waves of trouble, in a daze. I'm sure Ms. Honoka was also taken aback.
“Kanai-san, for now, just sit there.”
Ms. Honoka, who had likely regained her composure, closed the infirmary door again and guided me. I sat on a black, cushioned round stool. It had more capacity to hold me than the wooden chairs in the classroom. For my bottom, the infirmary's round stool was definitely more comfortable.
“Have you been feeling unwell since this morning?”
“Yes.”
“I see. You did your best to come to school, didn't you?”
“Yes.”
“Are you not feeling well now? Would you like to lie down?”
“No, I'm fine.”
I wasn't actually fine, but the word “fine” just slipped out of my mouth. Things like this still happen often, but even when I'm not really fine, I accidentally say “I'm fine” as a reflex.
“Then, do you think you can attend the opening ceremony?”
“……….”
I couldn't answer Ms. Honoka's question. I didn't think I could attend the opening ceremony. But since I had gone to the trouble of coming to school, I felt I had to attend. Otherwise, I thought there was no point in coming to school. Those thoughts went around in circles in my head. I stared at my fists resting on my knees and froze. I actually wanted to get into a surrender position again, but I couldn't because there was no desk in front of me.
“You don't have to push yourself. Well then, when you're ready, shall we go to the gymnasium together?”
Ms. Honoka said that to me. Ms. Honoka is kind. I was guided again and lay down on the bed at the very back, against the wall, out of the two beds in the corner of the infirmary. Ms. Honoka is good at guiding me to an escape route.
Even when the start time for the opening ceremony arrived, Ms. Honoka didn't rush me to the gymnasium. Instead, when the school anthem being sung at the ceremony could be heard in the infirmary, Ms. Honoka opened the curtain of my bed and invited me, saying, “Kanai-san, would you like to sing along?” I was embarrassed, so I declined, saying, “I'm fine.” Ms. Honoka said, “I see,” closed the curtain again, and started humming the school anthem. With the school anthem faintly audible from the gymnasium and Ms. Honoka's humming in the background, I sang the anthem under the thin blanket on the bed so that no one could hear me. The hustle and bustle and the silence gave me a sense of loneliness here as well.
When I finished singing the school anthem in bed, I felt the several weights that had been inside me this morning crumbling away with a gritty sound. The lump that had been so solid and heavy had already turned completely into sand.
Then, Aoi-chan's words flashed back. I felt the sand inside me being blown away with force by that storm stirred up by Aoi-chan. I felt a pain like when sand dust was blown against my body in the schoolyard in winter.
Ironically, the school lunch that day was kinako-coated fried bread. It had been a favorite of mine for a long time, but I had no appetite for it on this day. Because it was like watching myself being pelted with sand by a storm. That figure seemed pitiful somehow, and combined with the disappointment of not being able to attend the opening ceremony after all, it robbed me of my appetite even more. When I took a bite of the kinako-coated fried bread, the gritty texture of the kinako on my tongue was too much. It felt like I was eating sand. I took one bite of the kinako-coated fried bread and stopped. Or rather, I came to school today thinking I could eat something other than bread, so I was fed up that bread was served after all. Ah, but the stew was delicious.
Of course, I didn't attend the entrance ceremony in the afternoon. To leave school early, I would have had to have my parents come to pick me up, so I gave up on leaving early too. I was allowed to stay in the corner of the gentle space of the infirmary with Ms. Honoka until it was time to go home. In the blanket on the bed in that corner, I only noticed that the uniform I had ironed without wrinkles this morning was now crumpled and full of wrinkles. It seemed like Saka-tee came to the infirmary to check on me at one point, but I pretended to be asleep and ignored him.
To be continued
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