Noticing the Past Anger That Remains Within Me

I have been striving to be close to my past emotions.

The sad past, the wounded past,
the painful, lonely past,
a past that the me of that time could do nothing about.

I finally realized recently that there were other emotions
I had forgotten within all of that.

Being able to express 'anger' = having trust

For me, I don't feel anger toward total strangers
unless it is a situation that is significantly disadvantageous to me.

I just find it 'troublesome'.

Conversely, I express anger with all my might toward my children,
and especially toward my current partner, like never before.

I wondered, why is that?

Someone I can express 'anger' to = someone I can 'rely on'
Someone I can rely on = someone I have built trust with

I had that set of values within me.

Unable to trust my parents

While tracing back past events,
I realized that I had not been able to express 'anger' toward my parents either.

I had recognized the sadness and loneliness, but
I had been completely indifferent to the 'anger'
that must have been there before those feelings.

I have finally realized the fact that if my current partner did the same thing, I would explode with anger, yet I was unable to feel that anger back then.

And I was made to realize once again that
not being able to express 'anger' toward my parents meant I could not trust them.

Including that, I am now feeling every bit of that anger as much as I can remember.

It is not over yet.

I wonder how much 'anger' I have replaced with 'resignation'.

Even if it takes time, I will feel it all completely
and let go of the anger from the past.

It is a bit of a painful and brooding time right now, but
I know that when all the anger from the past is digested,
I will feel much lighter.

Therefore, I will not give up.

As the person I am now, I will listen to all of my past self's anger,
accept it, feel it through together, and digest it.

As I write this article,
various thoughts are overflowing and tears are coming out.

Now, just a little more to go.

Every emotion has meaning.

Being angry at someone consumes a lot of energy. That is why I think I feel it is 'a hassle'.

Through this process of facing myself, I learned for the first time that my brain is just trying to save energy by replacing it with the feeling of 'a hassle', but in reality, I am also feeling 'anger'.

It was never the case that there was no 'anger'.

Feeling 'anger' is never a bad thing.

Rather, for us who are immature, it is an emotion we should naturally feel, and there is no way I was not feeling it.


I think I must have felt that by expressing that 'anger', I would only incur more of my parents' anger or that it would be disadvantageous to me.

It is a self-defense instinct for people to protect themselves.

Thank you for protecting me until now.
You don't have to protect me anymore.

Thank you for reading.
I hope this helps you realize something.

elma

After all, everything was love.