The words I could say in my dreams were the words I couldn't say in reality

In my previous article, I wrote about how
dreams can sometimes reflect the 'thoughts we couldn't express.'

Today, I would like to write a little more carefully about the personal experience that lay behind that.

That article wasn't just something I thought up about dreams;
it was born from events that were actually happening to my own body and mind.

For the past few days, I have been suffering from a lack of sleep.

Work and community errands piled up,
and before I knew it, I had no room left to breathe.

My body was moving,
and I was exercising.

So, I thought I was fine.

But at the same time,
there was a period where I couldn't say what I wanted to say properly.

The closer the person, the harder it was to speak.

Even when I did speak, it didn't come across well.
If I softened my tone, it was brushed aside.

Each time that happened,
I was left with the feeling that I was the only one bearing the burden.

I knew myself
that I was feeling stressed.

The fact that I was drinking more.
The fact that I was eating more.

I acknowledged somewhere
that it was manifesting in those ways.

But I couldn't stop.

Even though I knew,
it was a state where my body and actions were reacting first.

One day, when I applied lip balm,
I felt something was off.

That sensation you know the moment you touch it.

It was a cold sore, something I hadn't had in years.

'Was I pushing myself that hard?'

That is what I thought.

But my body was honest.

It was a dream I had the morning after that day.

It was a scene where futons were laid out in a room with connecting tatami mats.

There were two young children, about one and two years old, and I was spending time watching them.

My ex-husband and his cousin were also there.

Furthermore, his mother was there too, making it a space where reality and the past seemed to be mixed together.

For some reason, the role of laying out the adult futons was directed at me.

But I was tired, so I ended up falling asleep with the children just like that.

When I suddenly woke up, it was pointed out that the cousin's futon had not been laid out.

The atmosphere felt like they were blaming me.

My ex-husband looked apologetic, but somewhere along the line, he was making it seem like it was my fault.

At that moment, the words came out.

If it bothers you that much, you should do it yourself. You're an adult, so you should be able to do at least that much. If you don't say it, I won't know.

I had conveyed it clearly.

These were words I could not say in reality.

In the dream, I had no hesitation.

It just felt like I was saying something obvious.

After I woke up, a feeling of relief remained.

First of all, even though it was a dream, I felt refreshed that I was able to say what I wanted to say.

However, after a little time had passed,

I wondered, "Why was it this dream?"

I thought about it.

What was there was not nostalgia.

A feeling that was still unpleasant. Anger. Unreasonableness.

And,

it was a reaction remaining deep in my body, asking, "Why was I the one who had to take it on?"

To put the background into words a little more, the mother of the cousin who appeared in the dream is the younger sister of my mother-in-law at the time.

When I gave birth to my eldest son, my mother-in-law was 42 years old. Her younger sister was about 38.

And that younger sister also had brothers who were boys, only half a year apart in age from my eldest and second sons.

In other words, even in my mother-in-law's generation, there were people who were still raising young children.

Furthermore, in that house, there was also the cousin of my ex-husband who appeared in the dream. That cousin was the same age as me.

I was still in my teens and had just become a mother.

Normally, I was at an age where it would not have been strange for me to be the one being supported.

But in reality, amidst the circumstances of the older adults and complex family relationships, I too was placed on the 'side that takes things on'.

The cousin's mother lived with her own mother, who was my mother-in-law's grandmother from my perspective.

That mother-in-law's grandmother was in a nearly bedridden state.

After that, due to various circumstances, it came about that the mother-in-law's grandmother would come to my mother-in-law's house.

When we first got married, my ex-husband did not yet have financial stability, and we were living with my mother-in-law.

Since my mother-in-law was out working, the daytime errands for my mother-in-law's grandmother fell to me, who was already busy raising young children.

Perhaps it was a wedding favor from back then,
there was a bell in the house.

My grandmother-in-law,
whenever she needed something, would shake that bell to ring it.

I was the one called by that sound.

Even now,
I wonder what on earth that was all about.

It was just like being a servant.

Of course, now,
I can see it from a different perspective, thinking that perhaps she had no choice because she couldn't call out in a loud voice.

But, for me as a teenager,
I couldn't tell anyone about that unreasonableness.

Is it okay to think it's unpleasant?
Is it okay to be angry?
Is it okay to say I want help?

I think I didn't even really understand
things like that.

“You should do this”
“You should do that”

Though it sounded like advice,
somewhere along the line, I had the feeling of being placed
on the side of the one who “accepts” and “accommodates.”

The feeling of settling the situation
without being able to speak up.

The anger that appeared in my dream
was not something that suddenly arose this morning,

but something that remained unspoken
within a relationship from many years ago.

Now,

I can think that there was something like a dysfunctional family dynamic
within that relationship.

I would like to try to put those things
into words little by little on another occasion.

And,
the feelings I couldn't express
also manifested in my body.

Even though I thought I wasn't pushing myself too hard,
my body was reacting properly.

If, right now,
there are times when you cannot say what you want to say,

That may not be a weakness, but rather
a way of reacting that you have acquired
through your relationships up until now.

A small step you can take today.

Before telling someone else,

"How do I really feel?"

Try putting that into words for yourself.

Even just doing that
will start to shift the flow of your heart a little.

By reading this far, you
have already taken the step of "noticing the sensations inside yourself."

🌿Related Articles

When you want to gently organize your inner movements and unspoken thoughts a little more,
these articles might also be helpful.

・When the body speaks first: How dreams depict the "unspoken voice"

・When the meaning changes, the heart feels a little lighter

・When the body speaks first: Viewing unspoken thoughts and inner conflict through psychoanalysis

And one more thing.

When you want to gently touch
the act of "feeling" itself,
this might also serve as an entry point.

・[Don't label your emotions] A picture book of bodily feelings

#Dreams
#Psychology
#DysfunctionalFamily
#RaisedByToxicParents
#InnerChild
#EmotionalRegulation
#SelfUnderstanding
#LivingDifficulties