Between "Exclusion" and "Tears"... What I Can Do as a Mother Who Has Studied Adlerian Psychology

One day, my youngest daughter in the third grade, Kun-chan,
came home with a slightly sad look on her face.

"Welcome home. What's wrong?"

"Well, today, A-chan, B-chan, and C-chan said
they are only going to play with kids from Class 3-1.
Since I'm in Class 3-2, they said I can't play."

This school year, out of three close neighborhood girl friends,
two are in Class 1 and Kun-chan is in Class 2, so they were separated.
Even though they are in different classes, there are days when they make plans to play after school,
and there are days when they can't go home together because the end-of-day meetings finish at different times,
and she comes home without having made any plans to play.
(On those days, she comes home happily with kids from her own class, though.)

In the midst of that,
came the story, "They said I can't play with them because I'm in a different class."
It seems a girl from Class 1 who lives a bit further away
is joining the two neighborhood girls to play.

This is a "common occurrence" in the world of girls.

Watching Kun-chan with her sad face,
as a mother, I was extremely conflicted
about how I should speak to her.

Would a school teacher say, "Exclusion is wrong. Everyone should play together"?

But,
"I want to play only with members of my own class"
It is also a fact that there are days when one feels that way.
There have been times when Kun-chan was on that side of the situation.
I even have memories of that from when I was a child.
I feel like it's a bit different from "exclusion" born of mean-spiritedness.
Perhaps it's more like "pre-exclusion."

While "everyone getting along together" is ideal,
who one wants to play with and what one wants to do,
those feelings belong only to that person,
and I also think they should be respected.

The parents of the neighborhood friends know each other well,
and we have a relationship where we can talk about our children's troubles
without too much hesitation.
Therefore,
if I wanted to, I could say, "Actually, the other day, my daughter wasn't allowed to play with them..."
and talk about it.

Thinking of Kun-chan's sad feelings,
would it be good for me as a mother
to say something to them so that she can play with them in the future...?

No, would that be intervening in "the child's task"?

**

At times like this,
I recall the principles of Adlerian psychology I learned before.

In Adlerian psychology, there are goals for behavior and psychology. (I have written about the details in the article ↑ above.)

Behavioral goals for raising children

1. To be self-reliant.

2. To be able to live in harmony with society.

Psychological goals for raising children

1. I have the ability.

2. People are my peers.

Living in "harmony" with those around me.
Thinking for myself, communicating for myself, and "becoming independent" in building human relationships.
Kun-chan is right in the middle of learning that now.

In the near future, the day will come when she associates with friends I don't know.
Friendships involve many things.
There are good times, and there are troubles.
It is no exaggeration to say that "relationships with friends" is surely the most difficult, most delicate, and
most common source of worry.

Right now, I can watch over her, and if necessary, speak to her or talk to the other child's parents.
In this precious period, I think about how to act as a parent,
in light of my "child-rearing goals."...


Also, the reason Kun-chan told me about this is
because she thought, "Mom is my ally." (or so I believe...!).
I want to cherish this relationship where she can consult me, more than anything. I must.

**

There is one more concept in
Adlerian psychology called
"separation of tasks."

Separation of tasks is the process of
thinking about a problem (task) in a certain event,
how to approach it and how to solve it,
and who will bear the consequences,
in order to divide (separate) the tasks. (I have written in detail about the separation of tasks and the harm of interfering in a child's tasks in the article below ↓)

The relationship between Kun-chan and her friends is
definitely
"Kun-chan's task."

Therefore, regarding Kun-chan's relationship with her friends,
as her parent, I try to keep from interfering unnecessarily.

By the way, "not interfering" is
different from ignoring or not caring.
If she confides in me that there was trouble,
I listen carefully.
If she is sad, I empathize by saying, "I see, I see."
I ask her how she feels by saying, "What do you want to do?"

And I tell her, "Let me know if there is anything I can do for you, Mom."

If the child says, "I want you to talk to them, Mom,"
(according to the Adlerian parenting program "Passage"),
the "child's task" becomes a "joint task" between the child and the parent, and the parent can get involved.

Conversely, if the child says, "Mom, don't say anything,"
the parent takes no action and just watches quietly.
(Actually, this takes much more patience...)

Since learning about the "separation of tasks" in Adlerian psychology,
I have become conscious of not over-intervening or interfering too much when there is trouble between children or at school.
For someone like me who tends to be a bit of a meddler,
who might impulsively say something to the other party or call the school,
this concept acts as a good brake to make me stop and think.

So as not to deprive the child of "opportunities to learn."

**

That is what the text says, but
I am still a worried mother.

When I secretly observe her usual behavior, such as on her way to and from school,
she seems to be chatting happily with Friend A and Friend B individually,
and it does not seem like she is being intentionally "excluded" or bullied.
(Just being able to confirm that is a little relief...)

For now, I listen to her stories with "I see, I see,"
and I observe Kun-chan's state when she comes home from school every day
with a little more awareness.
She doesn't seem to be under that much stress. She is the usual cheerful Kun-chan.
However, the days she goes to play with Friend A and Friend B have decreased significantly.
I wonder if she's okay...

One such day,
Kun-chan started crying in the bath.

Although he understood that there are days when he cannot play with everyone and tried to accept it,
there were small incidents that stung his heart, like finding out they had secretly made plans to play when he wasn't around, and he seemed to have become unbearably sad.

I tried telling him what I thought.

The most I can do for him right now.

Kun-chan cried for a while, and then

at one point,
he said, "Maybe I'll have you talk to A-chan and B-chan's mothers."

After that,
"Actually, you don't need to say anything for now."

he said.


As a parent, I felt, "Huh? Are you sure you don't want me to say anything?" but
I decided to respect the answer Kun-chan reached after thinking about it
at this moment.

We talked about many things while in the bath.

When I was in elementary school, I was also suddenly left out by my friends.
"What did you do then?" Kun-chan asked.
"I had other friends in the class, so I played happily with them. For some reason, I didn't really let it bother me."

Not letting things bother you might be an important skill for getting through life.
Because there are all kinds of people.
Because you can't get along with everyone.
(In Kun-chan's case, it's not that they stopped getting along, though.)

"Maybe I'll play with a friend from my class after school too..."
Kun-chan suddenly said.
"Maybe I'll ask Y-chan from my class if she can play after school..."
"Why not? It's fine for you to play with friends from your class too."
"I'll ask Y-chan tomorrow when she can play!"

Kun-chan's face lit up.

And so, Kun-chan
made plans to play with Y-chan from his class,
and for the first time, they went to play at the park together.

He came home from school earlier than I'd ever seen, packed his sticker book and favorite stuffed animal into his backpack, and headed out in high spirits.
As he was leaving,
"Let's play again! See you at school tomorrow!"
he said, waving energetically as they parted.
I'm sure he'll come home with the next play date already arranged.

**

Writing this on Note, it has become a neatly summarized story, but
in reality, Kun-chan spent his days feeling many different things, sometimes sad, sometimes putting on a brave face.
I, too, have said too much at times (which is far from the goal of "independence"...), and
I have reflected on how my way of speaking was poor,
and I am struggling with how to be involved in "the child's tasks."
There is always the anxiety of what might happen if I don't intervene and things go in an irreversible direction...

I don't even know if my response is the best, better, or neither.
Even now, I spend my days worrying and reflecting.

Even so,
thinking about what is best for my child to live "independently" and in "harmony" with those around him,
while discerning what I should and should not do,
I want to do what I can.

I believe in the "power to grow" that children possess.