Easy Parenting (8) The Backbone House: The Third Option in Parenting

Introduction

I would like to write about a concept that has stayed with me for a long time and serves as my goal. It is the "Backbone House."

This is a concept found in the book "Kids Are Worth It!" by Barbara Coloroso, translated by Minako Taguri.According to this book, there are three types of households regarding parenting: the Brick Wall type, the Jellyfish type, and the Backbone type. Many households likely oscillate between the Brick Wall and the Jellyfish. However, there is actually a third option.

Two Opposing Types

The Brick Wall Household

In a Brick Wall household, parents give children detailed instructions, force them, and make them obey. They control the children with strong force from above, creating a rigid connection. However, the inner feelings are a different matter.

The Jellyfish Household

On the other hand, the Jellyfish household is the opposite; it is permissive. If a child is troubled, they are left to solve it on their own, and conversely, if the child rebels, the parents easily change their policy. On the surface, it looks like they are respecting the child's autonomy.

The Tug-of-War in the World

I feel that the world is quite a tug-of-war between these two types. For example, conversations like this unfold within a family.

Me: "Hey, you don't have to nag them so much."
Wife: "What? You say that, but you're always leaving things alone and doing nothing."

It is the same at work. There are bosses who demand that you work under strict discipline and detailed instructions, and bosses who tell you to just do it yourself. Many people are likely stuck between these two types.

So, what should we do? If this were all there was to it, the solution would seem to be a compromise where the husband is dissatisfied because he has to take care of the children more than before, and the wife is dissatisfied because she can't get angry even when she wants to. However, there is actually a third option.

The Third Option: The Backbone Household

Characteristics of the Backbone House

In a Backbone household, there is a solid framework that provides policy for life, while other parts are flexible. Instructions have clear reasons, intentions, and goals, which are communicated to the child. Therefore, with proper guidance, the child can act with autonomy.

For example, the question "Is there anything you've forgotten?" introduced in Easy Parenting (2) embodies the philosophy of the Backbone House. Instead of giving detailed instructions, you make the child think for themselves. This is the approach of the Backbone House.

Also, the method of "setting goals and managing progress" introduced in Easy Parenting (3) is consistent with the philosophy of the Backbone House. Setting goals is the "framework," and the method of achieving them is the "flexible part" left to the child.

I will give a concrete example. It goes like this.

Brick Wall: "Did you finish your homework? It's 8 o'clock, go take a bath!"
Jellyfish: (Says nothing, and they panic when morning comes)
Backbone: "Our rule is to go to bed by 9 o'clock (framework). I'll leave it up to you how to finish your homework and take a bath by then (flexibility)."

This "backbone" is likely connected to the "principles" found in "The 7 Habits." Presenting policies based on principles and responding flexibly within those bounds—this is the essence of the backbone home.

In the field of psychology, "Self-Determination Theory," proposed by Edward Deci and Richard Ryan, supports the concept of the backbone home. It has been shown that having the right to make one's own decisions (autonomy) enhances intrinsic motivation. In a backbone home, by explaining the reasons behind instructions, children can understand and act independently.

Furthermore, in the classification of parenting styles proposed by Diana Baumrind, there is a concept called "Authoritative Parenting." This is an approach that sets clear rules and expectations while respecting the child's autonomy and explaining reasons to ensure the child understands. The philosophy of the backbone home shares many commonalities with this authoritative parenting.

The Significance of Aiming for a Backbone Home

Of course, aiming for a backbone home is not easy. However, if you grasp the key points of the backbone to some extent, you won't have to worry about the minor details, which makes things "easier."

If parents can make things easier for themselves, they can use that extra space for other things. If there is more breathing room, better parenting should be possible. This may seem contradictory at first glance, but in reality, the parent's peace of mind is one of the most important factors for a child's growth.

Also, when you feel stuck between being a brick and a jellyfish, I think it is good to remember that there is a third option: the backbone. It is important not to aim for perfect parenting, but to find ways that make things easier for both parent and child.

Application to Corporate Organizations

A similar structure can be seen in companies as well. There is the "top" that pushes discipline no matter what, and the "bottom" that rebels against it to win freedom. Perhaps neither is the correct answer.

The philosophy of the backbone home can be applied not only to parenting but also to organizational management. A management style that is neither strict control nor laissez-faire, but one that clearly presents policies while respecting autonomy within those bounds, is effective in modern organizational management as well.

Conclusion

The concept of the backbone home offers a third option in parenting. It is neither a brick wall nor a jellyfish. It has a solid framework while remaining flexible. This is the appeal of the backbone home.

It is important not to aim for perfect parenting, but to find ways that make things easier for both parent and child. By aiming for a backbone home, parental stress is reduced, and the child's autonomy is nurtured. This is also the fundamental philosophy of the Easy Parenting series.

When you feel stuck between being a brick and a jellyfish, I think it is good to remember that there is a third option: the backbone. I hope you find ways to make your parenting a little easier.

(To be continued)